


I Swear That I Will Be There Before Dawn

by ifwallscouldspeak



Series: I Swear, Her and I Are Soulmates [2]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Chosen Family Feels, Elias the Yousana Fanboy, F/M, Falling In Love, Family Feels, Female Friendship, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Islamophobia Mention, Long-Distance Relationship, Not Canon Compliant After Episode 7, Road Trips, Sana-centric, Talking about Sex and Consent, Yousef and Sana are Soulmates Y'all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-17 23:18:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 55,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11278830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifwallscouldspeak/pseuds/ifwallscouldspeak
Summary: Sana wasn’t surprised when Yousef finally told her, hesitantly, that he was going to Turkey for the rest of July and August. No, Sana wasn’t surprised. She was happy for him. Really. But she was also scared. Logically, she knew she shouldn’t be… But try telling her emotions that. (Or, Yousef goes to Turkey for the rest of the summer, and Sana tries to figure out this whole falling in love in long distance thing.) Sequel to “Oh, I Think that I Found Myself a Cheerleader.”





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> This is the sequel to “Oh, I Think that I Found Myself a Cheerleader”! It takes place a few weeks after the events of that story. 
> 
> So again, I started our writing something small and cute and it ended up being super long. And this is just part one! See, what had happened was… I really loved “Maghrib.” So much that I cried and haven’t stopped talking about it. I thought it was amazing and beautiful. 
> 
> But again, I noticed that so many of the issues that I wanted to be resolved didn’t happen. So, even though I addressed many of those things in “Oh, I Think I Found Myself a Cheerleader,” there were still so many dynamics that I wanted to write about more! Especially surrounding Sana’s emotions about Yousef leaving and her relationships to her friends and family. 
> 
> Before I start, a big, big shoutout to all of you beautiful souls who commented, bookmarked, and gave kudos on “Oh, I Think I Found Myself a Cheerleader.” I was (am) SO overwhelmed by the love and support, y’all. I can’t even put into words how much it meant, which is ironic, because I keep writing 20,000+ word fics. Anyway, I hope that you all enjoy this as much as the first part! 
> 
> I hope that I did these precious babies justice. Again, please let me know if anything is off culturally or religiously, and I will work on it. 
> 
> This is still mostly non-canon compliant past S04E07. Also, surprise! I went back and watched all of season 1 and the first third maybe of season 2. I hope this better informed my characterizations! But if anything doesn't seem right, then that would probably be why. A fair WARNING: this work is anti-William, so if Noora x William is one of your jams, you might not be happy with parts of this (that's also where the implied/referenced abuse tag comes from).
> 
> Title from Rise Against’s “The Dirt Whispered.” All grammar, spelling and syntax errors are my own. I do not own SKAM or any of the canonical characters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While this is ultimately a Yousana fic, this first part is mainly Sana-centric. All Yousana scenes in this chapter are over texts, emails, and phone calls, as they’re long-distance. All the other scenes are about her emotions and working through how she feels about Yousef, as well as all of the things I wished we had seen in season 4 with her loved ones. 
> 
> Story time: years ago, my partner and I met in August and then started a long-distance relationship in September. So even though we were in love, we both had a lot of emotions and logistic to work out. I also had a lot of insecurities about being in love with someone and then immediately not being in the same space. So in writing this, I tried to remember those feelings and accurately write about them in a way that was true to these characters canonically and true to how sweet but tough new relationships - especially long-distance ones - can be. 
> 
> IMPORTANT: There is a part of this text that is almost unreadable, which is done purposefully. Just in case it’s too difficult to decipher, I’ve added a “translation” in the endnotes, so no one strains their eyes trying to figure it out.

+++

 

Sana wasn’t surprised when Yousef finally told her, hesitantly, that he was going to Turkey for July and August.

As long as she had known him, he always spent some time in Turkey, visiting with his grandparents and the rest of his extended family. It was a summertime tradition; he talked about always going back, ever since he was a kid. When she first met him, when Elias started high school, he used to be so excited, running around with the balloon squad, screaming about what he was going to bring back for everyone. And as the years passed he just seemed so content, joyful, whenever he talked about going back home.

So.

No, Sana wasn’t surprised. She was happy for him. Really.

Because she loved seeing the way his face lit up when he talked about his grandparent’s place. When he outlined his whole family, a hint of a Turkish accent popping out as he spoke all of their names. The wide grin that brightened his face when he described his grandmother’s cooking and his grandfather’s jokes and how in love they were and all the wonderful stories they always told.

But she was also scared.

Logically, she knew she shouldn’t be. Because it was just a month and a half, and then he’d be back in Norway.

But try telling her emotions that.

They had only had a few weeks together. A few weeks of actually talking and going on dates. A few weeks of stolen kisses and tight hugs and lacing fingers together. It still felt too fragile, too new, to put so much distance between them.

She was worried that maybe, he would come back and realize he was wrong about his feelings for her. She saw the way he looked at her, and told herself she was being silly. But there were so many things that they hadn’t talked about yet, so many things that were swirling around her head. She didn’t know how to stop it, and she didn’t want to ruin a good thing just because she couldn’t take a little distance.

But she was also worried by how much she already felt for him. She had liked him for so long. But now that they were actually together, she was feeling a little overwhelmed by her emotions. She knew the honeymoon period was a thing, of course. But she didn’t think that’s what it was. It was like her body could already feel the missing weight of his presence.

She would miss sharing space with him. The quirks of his eyebrows and the way his lips looked when he laughed. The feeling of comfort and excitement whenever they were together. Actually being seen and being understood, just by meeting his gaze.

And all of that - all of that frightened her. Like maybe she was putting too much pressure on something so new. Maybe she was feeling too much. Because regardless of how long she liked him, they hadn’t been a them in a very long time.

It was just for a month and a half, she repeated to herself. It would be fine.

 

+++

 

**SAT JULY 15, 01:04**

Yousef: I had a great time tonight

Yousef: Thank you for making my last night in Oslo so amazing

Sana: :)

Sana: Will you message me when you get to the airport?

Yousef: Yes, of course

Sana: I can’t believe you won’t have any internet for a month

Yousef: It’s not that there won’t be any internet

Yousef: It’s just incredibly slow

Yousef: Dial-up

Yousef: I keep telling my grandparents to get with the times but they just don’t seem to understand

Yousef: I asked them how I was supposed to send you memes if I can’t access Facebook

Yousef: They just asked me what a meme was and what kind of girl would want one

Sana: Hahaha

Yousef: But it’s kind of nice, in a way

Yousef: To be mostly disconnected from everything

Sana: Yeah

Sana: I hope you have fun with your family

Sana: Too bad I won’t be able to keep you updated on my blooming relationship with Stephen

Yousef: Oh

Yousef: Wow

Yousef: So now you’re too cool to write me emails?

Sana: Emails?

Yousef: The internet is slow and ancient but it still exists

Yousef: I should still be able to write you

Yousef: If you want?

Sana: Yeah

Sana: That would be nice

Yousef: <3

 

+++

 

Sana turned onto her back, tilting her head up. She was in bed, trying not to cry, and cursing at herself for even wanting to. It had only been a few hours since her date with Yousef - her last date until September, practically - and she was feeling too overwhelmed.

She knew she was being ridiculous.

How many times had she repeated to herself that it was just a few months? That sooner than she knew, he’d be back in Oslo? That it had taken them so long to get together, it really shouldn’t matter that there were going to be apart for a little bit?

But it didn’t help, not any of it. She still felt his lost so intensely it hurt to breathe. And this, after just a few hours. She was sure that it would get better, that everything just felt too raw right now. Yet a small part of her was whispering that it would only get worse from here on out, especially since they would have very little communication.

She felt her phone vibrating from where she left it, under her pillow. She wiped at her face with the back of her hand and cleared her throat a few times. She didn’t want any traces of sadness in her voice. She grabbed at her phone, and smiled when she saw who it was.

“Hey, Noora.” She coughed; she knew her voice sounded congested. “Is everything okay? It’s really late.”

“I’m supposed to be asking you that,” Noora laughed. “I thought you might still be up, so I wanted to check in.”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

Sana paused. “I… I know it’s dumb.”

“Sana!” Noora sighed. “It’s okay to not be okay. I know you’re going to miss him.”

“It’s only been about three hours since I last saw him. I should be just fine.”

“Should doesn’t mean that you are.”

“It’s… I don’t know.”

“He’s going to be gone a while, it’s okay if you’re feeling messed up about it.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Sana...”

“It’s just… it’s just a lot, right now.” Sana sighed, and a tear leaked out. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize!”

“Yeah.” Her voice cracked.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, not really.”

Noora was quiet for a moment. “Do you want me to just stay on the line with you? Until you feel better.”

Sana laughed, but it sounded choked to her own ears. “We might be on the phone all night.”

“It’s okay. I won’t go anywhere,” Noora promised.

 

+++

 

**SUN JULY 16, 06:23**

Yousef: I’m at the airport now

Yousef: Just got through security and waiting at the gate

Yousef: I’m starving but damn, everything is so expensive

Yousef: Should’ve saved some of my amazing soup, but you ate all of it

Yousef: :(

Yousef: ;)

Sana: Whatever, Acar

Sana: Like I really didn’t see you licking the pot after dinner last night

Sana: And anyway you can’t get soup through security

Yousef: Wow

Yousef: WOW

Yousef: A simple apology would suffice

Yousef: But you’re too tough for that, huh?

Yousef: It’s fine

Yousef: You can eat all of my soup anytime you want

Sana: How sweet of you

Yousef: <3

Yousef: I think we’re going to start boarding soon

Sana: Have a safe flight

Yousef: I’ll message you when I can

Sana: No worries

Sana: I’m going to miss you

Yousef: <3

 

+++

 

Sana could hear the raucous laughter coming from the study as she wandered past the kitchen. She paused, just on her way to get a drink, and peeked into the room.

The balloon squad was sitting on the couch, in front of Elias’s camera, all talking over one another. Elias was in the middle, as usual; Adam and Mutta were on the right, arms around one another. Mikael was on the left, half sitting and half lying down; Even was behind Elias, sitting on the back of the couch. Sana wondered if his long body could even be seen on the camera. She stood in the doorway for a moment, a soft smile on her face.

Adam was speaking. “And you all remember Even, who went away for a long time-”

“But now he’s back!” Mutta yelled.

“Yes, yes, he’s back!” Mikael said.

Elias pointed at the camera. “Yes, and Yousef is on hiatus right now because he’s in Turkey.”

“We can’t Skype him in cause none of us have the skills to edit that into a video yet,” Mutta said.

“Also he has no internet,” Adam said.

“But we’re officially starting our Yousef Comes Back Countdown today,” Elias said. “He’ll be back August 29!”

Mutta glanced at Sana, and a huge smile spread across his face. “Sana! Come in!”

A chorus sounded as all of the boys greeted her, asking her how she was and to come into the room. Elias was telling them all to shut up, that they were still filming. Sana smiled, but shook her head no, gesturing at the camera.

“Come on, you can guest star in our video!” Mikael said.

Sana smirked. “Are you sure? I thought this was a no-girls-allowed kind of thing.”

“How could you even say that?” Mutta looked shocked. “That’s most of our viewership right there!”

“Ladies, if you’re watching, ignore the sister,” Elias winked at the camera. “You’re all lovely and beautiful and you look good today, and you’re welcome to come film with us anytime.”

Sana rolled her eyes. “Okay, Casanova.”

Elias grinned back, and then turned towards the guys. “Hey, why don’t we take fifteen?”

They all agreed, and Mutta got up to turn off the camera. Mikael and Adam disappeared into the kitchen to grab some snacks. Even took out his phone and began to play with it. Elias patted the couch next to him, gesturing for Sana to come sit down. She raised her eyebrows at him and stayed where she was standing. Even began to laugh.

“What, you don’t want to spend quality time with me?” Elias asked.

“Quality time?” Sana snorted. “That’s what you call it when we talk between filming?”

Elias rolled his eyes. “Okay, fine, if you don’t want to hear about how Yousef is doing...”

Sana’s heart twisted. “You heard from Yousef?”

Elias began to snicker. Even looked up from his phone and frowned, then leaned over and smacked Elias in the back of his head. Sana glared at her brother.

“Elias!”

“That’s not cool, Elias,” Even said.

Elias rubbed his head. “Chill, it was a joke.”

“It was so funny I forgot to laugh,” Sana said dryly.

“Hey Sana, don’t forget to give Pops that comment back when you’re done with it,” Elias said.

“Be nice to your sister!” Even said, leaning over to smack Elias again.

“Okay, okay, chill!” Elias said, swerving his body.

Sana crossed her arms over her chest. “Elias, seriously. Have you heard from Yousef or not?”

Elias shook his head, his eyes softening. “No, I haven’t. But I wanted to tell you, don’t worry. Okay? He’s always really overwhelmed after he travels, and it takes a bit for him to get settled in his grandparent’s.”

Even added, “They also have really bad service. I used to only hear from him like, twice a summer, through postcards.”

Sana pursed her lips. “I’m not worried.”

“I know you better than that. And when you worry, I worry.” Elias pointed at her. “It’s the summer. I’m not trying to worry.”

“You’re never trying to worry,” Sana said, smirking.

“Sana,” Elias sounded exasperated.

Sana tried to keep laughing, but something was tugging on her heartstrings. She knew Elias was trying to cheer her up, but she was also embarrassed. It had only been a couple of days. Did everyone know that she missed Yousef that badly? Was she being utterly pathetic?

Her voice softened. “I know, I know. Thank you.”

 

+++

 

 **Subject** : Hi  
**From** : Yousef Acar  
**Sent** : Jul 18, 14:20

Sana,

I’m in my grandparent’s house, safe and mostly sound. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to message you sooner, but it’s been a blur since I landed in Istanbul. All of my cousins were there to greet me, of course, and we went out for dinner before they drove me to our grandparent’s. It’s about a four-hour drive outside of the city. Then, as soon as I got here, I had to eat again, just so I wouldn’t offend my grandmother. You know how they can be.

The past few days I’ve been trying to settle back into country life. Mostly helping my grandfather around the farms. It’s hard on him, now; most of the family has moved to the city, and only a few cousins stayed back to help him. It’s been very hot here, even at night. I sleep with all the windows open, waiting for a breeze. It’s only been a short time, but I’m already exhausted. But in a good way. I missed being home.

It’s not very exciting, I know. I’m sure Stephen’s vacations are much more lavish. Can’t wait for you to tell me all about them.

\- Y

 

+++

 

Sana and Chris walked slowly through the park. Chris was eating her ice cream almost thoughtfully as they slipped underneath some trees to find shade. Sana closed her eyes for a moment, turning her face towards the bright sunshine. The cup in her hand was starting to get soggy, the ice cream slowly melting. It made her palm moist, and dripped cold water onto her pants as she walked.

“I missed this,” Sana said, gesturing to the space between them. “We used to be together all the time first year, and I feel like this is the only time I’ve seen you in so long.”

Chris smiled. “I know. I missed this too. No one else laughs at my mean jokes.”

“Hah!” Sana said. “No one else makes mean jokes to laugh at.”

“True.” Chris laughed. “So tell me. How’s loverboy? Heard from him yet?”

Sana nodded slowly. “Yah. Yousef sent me an email.”

Chris wiggled her eyebrows. “Did he send any nudes?”

Sana scrunched her face. “No! Chris!”

“I’m joking, of course.” Chris laughed. “But if he did send some, you’d share, right?”

Sana rolled her eyes and gently pushed Chris in the shoulder. Chris chuckled again, and then stuck her spoon in her mouth. She chewed on the plastic a little bit. She was looking in front of her, not really seeming to focus on anything.

“Do you ever think about sex?” she asked, suddenly.

Sana glanced at her. “Yeah, of course I do.”

Chris didn’t seem surprised. “Yeah, me too.”

They were silent for a minute. Sana waited for Chris to keep talking, but she didn’t seem inclined to say anything else. Chris meandered over to a bench, partially hidden in a bush, and sat down. Sana followed close by, sitting next to her. Their shoulders brushed, and they looked out onto the park. It was fairly quiet; just a man walking his dog, a couple of kids skateboarding nearby, a woman in neon shorts jogging.

Sana raised her eyebrows. “Is that it?”

“Not really.” Chris looked at her. “I want to talk to you about this more, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

Sana frowned. “What do you mean?”

Chris said, “I know you don’t really like talking about sex. And it’s not that I think you’re immune to it, or whatever the fuck Vilde goes on about, or that you’re repressed or something because of your religion-”

Sana bristled. “Who said I was repressed?”

“No, no,” Chris said. “No one did. But it’s… you know. Like, an assumption people make, a stereotype. But that’s not the point. I know you just don’t like talking about it because you’re more private. I like that, you know. I talk a big game, but I think it’s cool that that’s something you want to keep between you and your partner.”

Sana hummed.

“But, you know, I do want to talk about it with you,” Chris said. “Now that you’ve found someone to go to bonetown with.”

“Bonetown, Chris?” Sana almost choked on her ice cream. “Bonetown?”

Chris grinned, her smile sharp. “Bonetown.”

“We’re never going to talk about sex if you call it that again.”

“Okay, fine,” Chris said. “But in case you want to talk about it. I’d totally respect your boundaries, and you can just like, tell me all about your hot boyfriend. In very vague, non-invasive terms.”

Sana smiled. “Okay, deal.”

“Great,” Chris smiled back at her. “So seriously, though. Yousef ever send you nudes?”

“No!”

“Just making sure,” Chris grinned wickedly. “Would you ever ask for some?”

Sana shifted. She thought about Yousef naked, of course. He was gorgeous. And it was hard not to think about what it would be like to have sex with him. She practically drooled every time she saw him working out or playing basketball or even just looking at her with his dark, smoldering eyes.

She was constantly being distracted by his closeness; the looks he shot her, his cologne, the easy way his body moved. Of course she wanted to know what it would be like, with Yousef. She dreamed about him, sometimes. The feel of his back muscles beneath her hands, the slide of his body between her legs, looking down at him while she was in his lap, biting his neck while his arms held her, the feeling of his hands everywhere. She craved intimacy with him.

But she knew this was something she couldn’t act on, at least, not for a long time. Part of it was her beliefs. Just because she wanted something didn’t mean she could just act on it. But another part, a large, part, of her was just scared. She knew she wasn’t ready for sex yet. As much as she desired him, she actually wasn’t sure what she was ready for yet. Seeing her friends go through so many things with guys they’d had sex with, so many issues that happened because they’d been intimate… it just wasn’t something she wanted to deal with yet.

And she knew Yousef was so different than so many other guys. But she was nervous. And being physical... it wasn’t something they had talked about, at all. Now that she stopped to think about it, she had no idea what he was feeling or wanting when it came to being intimate with her.

“No,” Sana said slowly. “Not now.”

“Because you’re Muslim and you’re not married?” Chris asked.

“That’s part of it,” Sana admitted. “But there’s a lot more, too. I just… we just got together, and we haven’t really talked about it. I… yeah. We haven’t really talked about it.”

“Do you know how Yousef feels about it?” Chris asked. “He’s not Muslim but he does a bunch of Muslim stuff, right? Like not drinking.”

Sana shrugged, and then sighed. “I don’t know, Chris.”

“You could just ask him, in your email.”

“Yeah.”

Chris paused for a few moments, licking her spoon again. “If I had someone as beautiful as you and you liked me as much as you like Yousef, I’d definitely wait. I wouldn’t even hesitate.”

Sana grinned. “Thanks.”

Chris winked back at her. “Uhm… but you know… the rest of the balloon squad… they’re Muslim, right? Do they feel the same way you do about sex?”

Sana raised her eyebrows. “Why?”

Chris shrugged, a wicked grin on her face. “Asking for a friend.”

“And are you the friend?”

“Maybe.”

“Chris!” Sana grinned. “Are you interested in one of the guys? Who?”

“I don’t want to jinx it, yet, but, I think… yes.” Chris sighed. “I’ve been feeling some vibes off of him too. But we’ll see. I’m working something out.”

“Will you tell me, when anything happens?”

“Deal.”

 

+++

 

**THU JULY 20, 20:45**

Noora: Hi!

Noora: Sorry to bother you, but I wanted to ask you something.

Elias: You never bother me

Elias: What’s up?

Noora: Is Sana doing okay? I haven’t seen her since before Yousef left, and I just wanted to make sure.

Elias: I think she is

Elias: I actually haven’t seen her

Elias: I haven’t been home in a couple of days

Noora: Ahhh

Noora: Someone go on another drinking binge? You know, you’re always welcome on my couch.

Elias: Haha

Elias: No, I’ve just been hanging out at Adam’s

Elias: We’ve been marathoning Super Smash Bros.

Elias: I’m kicking ass in Melee, in case you were wondering

Noora: I wasn’t wondering, actually. But thanks for the update?

Noora: I’ll message the girls and see if they know anything.

Elias: Cool

Noora: You know, I’ve played Melee a couple of times. I’m not half bad.

Elias: Yeah?

Elias: Who’s your go-to?

Noora: I’m not bad with Ice Climbers.

Elias: ICE CLIMBERS

Elias: Noora

Noora: Yes?

Elias: You’re fucking with me

Elias: No one picks Ice Climbers

Elias: NO ONE

Noora: Okay big shot, then who do you play as?

Elias: Bowser or Zelda

Elias: Obviously

Noora: Oh, obviously

Elias: Oh okay okay

Elias: “Big shot”

Elias: Next time, I got you

Noora: Good. I hope you’re looking forward to losing.

Elias: Against your Ice Climbers?

Elias: HAH

Noora: Oh, just heard from Chris. The eagle has landed.

Elias: What?

Noora: Yousef emailed Sana!

Elias: My boy

Elias: :)

Elias: Thanks for updating me

Noora: Of course.

Noora: Wait, shit.

Elias: You okay?

Noora: Am I being a bad friend for asking you all of this? Like, basically going behind Sana’s back?

Noora: I’m just worried.

Elias: I created a whole committee to set up my best friend and my sister

Elias: So you’re asking the wrong person

Noora: omg.

Noora: Trueeeeeeeeeeeeee.

 

+++

 

Sana was in Even’s apartment, studying with Isak again. The table was covered in diagrams and they both had their laptops open, though Isak was watching YouTube clips instead of taking the online quizzes she had sent him. Even brought a couple of mugs to the table, setting them down gently. Sana looked up at him and smiled in thanks.

“When are you going to teach Isak how to properly make tea?” she asked him.

Even laughed. “I don’t trust him around the stove, so maybe never.”

“But when you’re not here, that means I have to drink tap water with a bag in it,” Sana smiled.

“Isn’t that all that tea is, anyway?” Isak asked. He sounded distracted, his eye dancing across the screen.

Sana rolled her eyes. “A travesty.”

“He’s still cute, though,” Even said, winking.

He folded himself into a seat, and leaned over the table. With one hand, he sipped at his tea; with the other, he began to rummage through their work. Isak absent-mindedly reached out to take Even’s hand, stroking the back of it with his thumb. Sana smiled at the image, even as her heart ached, thinking of Yousef.

She needed to pull herself together.

“Are you gonna walk me to the train in a bit, or stay in and continue studying?” Even asked Isak.

Isak finally tore his eyes away from the screen. “Hmm? Oh, I really don’t feel like walking. Is that okay?”

Even nodded. “So should I bring food home, then? My appointment is over by dinnertime. And you know I’m always too messed up to cook afterwards.”

Isak said, “Yeah, that would be great. Sana, you want to stay for dinner?”

“Mhhhm,” Sana tilted her head. “Depends, what did you want to get for take-out?”

“Indian?” Even suggested. “Lots of vegetarian options.”

Sana nodded, smiling.

“Sounds good,” Isak said. “And the best part is I don’t have to do any dishes.”

“You never do dishes anyway!” Even said, exasperated.

Isak leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. “Sorry. I meant the best part is I don’t have to stand around pretending to do any dishes.”

Even sighed, but there was a smile playing on his mouth. “Yeah, okay. I’m going to go get ready.”

He turned his head to kiss Isak on the mouth, before standing up. Sana watched as he disappeared into the bathroom. Isak went back to his screen, typed something in, and began to chuckle.

“Sana, you ever seen this video of these Pikachu dancing, and one of them, like, starts melting? And security comes in to get it?” Isak asked. “It’s hilarious. Come here, let’s watch it.”

Sana played with the handle of her mug for a moment, not moving. “Um, Isak?”

He dragged his eyes away from the screen again. “Yeah?”

She hesitated. “Is Even okay?”

He furrowed his brow. “Yeah, of course. Why?”

Sana poked her tongue out slightly. “His appointment, what he just said about being messed up… it sounded serious. He’s not… very sick, is he?”

Understanding dawned on Isak’s face. “No, no. He’s not. He’s... ”

Sana noticed his hesitation. “Sorry, it’s none of my business.”

“No, it’s okay. I don’t think he would mind me telling you,” Isak said. “Even is actually in therapy.”

“Therapy?”

“Yeah, to talk to someone, about his depression. I think… I think it’s been going well, for him,” Isak said. “And I’m happy. Being in love doesn’t cure mental illness, and stuff. Also, his therapist is a lesbian, I think he said, so that’s another thing that’s helpful.”

Sana smiled. “No, that’s great.”

“Yeah.” Isak smiled.

“I’ve… actually been… looking into finding a therapist for myself,” Sana said.

She hadn’t talked to anyone about this besides Jamilla and Noora so far. She knew it was silly, but it was something that felt kind of embarrassing to admit to. But she had realized that it might be worth a shot, to be able to talk to someone who wouldn’t judge her.

She knew she had her friends, family, and Yousef to talk to, of course. But she still worried about being too exposed. She still worried about being too much of a burden on them. This way, she could maybe try to work things out at her own pace. A therapist wouldn’t yell at you, she was sure, if she just sat quietly for an hour or if she just sat and screamed.

Even though she had bad experiences in the past, she knew not all therapists would’ve been like the one she had freshman year. Jamilla had been helping her email a few before deciding anything.

“That’s awesome, Sana.”

“Yeah.”

“You know, if you wanted to talk to Even about his experience....” Isak said slowly, “I don’t think he’d mind. I can ask him if he would, if you wanted.”

Sana nodded slowly. “I’ll think about it.”

 

+++

 

 **Subject** : Hello  
**From** : Sana Bakkoush  
**Sent** : Jul 22 19:43

Yousef,

I’m glad to hear that you’ve landed safely and enjoying your time with your family so far. I wish I could see you grandparent’s place and farm. I’m sure it’s beautiful.

Unfortunately, Stephen went off to the Caribbean without me, so I can’t tell you much about his vacation. Mine has been quiet so far, though. I’m still studying with Isak and Jamilla, and I’ve seen the girls a couple more times. I also walked in on a Hei Briskeby filming the other day. It was weird to see them all piled up, without you.

Do you remember when I told you I was bullied in middle school? It’s weird to think about that, now. When all of my days have been filled with people who have chosen me. But sometimes I wonder, is it really a choice? Or is it fate? I don’t really believe in coincidences, but does that mean I have to believe in fate? Noora said to me once that some people knowing each other is fate, and then it’s up to us to see how the connection grows. But maybe some people are meant to be in your life in a certain way.

Sana

+++

Sana stole the ball from Elias, smirking as she dribbled around him. She dodged his waving hands, pretending to go left, when she actually went right. He practically tripped over his own feet trying to catch her. As she wove, she laughed, exhilarated. Sana ran a few more feet before jumping up, shooting the basket right into the hoop. It slammed inside, and it was beautiful, the way it was almost effortless.

She grabbed the ball as it bounced back to her before turning to Elias. He was panting a little bit, bent over slightly. His hands were on his bare knees, his basketball shorts hiked up slightly. His head was up, and he stared at Sana like she was really giving him a run for his money.

Technically, she was.

He had bet her that she couldn’t beat him in a game of one-on-one. First one to ten points wins, he had said.

They had only been playing for fifteen minutes, and Sana was already up by eight points.

She cocked her hip, cradling the ball underneath her arm. “You okay, old man?”

“Sana, is that really necessary?” Elias asked, squinting up at her. “Seriously.”

“Forgot all your smack talk like you forgot how to play the game?” Sana taunted.

“You better watch it,” Elias said, standing up straight and putting his hands on his hips. “You’re gonna be eating your words when I whoop you.”

“When you whoop me?” Sana laughed. “Yeah, okay, grandpa.”

“Grandpa?” Elias snorted. “Let your game do the talking.”

Sana raised her eyebrows. “Oh, it already is. I’m beating you. In case you hadn’t noticed.”

She missed this, just playing around with her brother. Elias always looked out for her, and his friends had always made her feel included in things, for as long as she could remember. But the older they got, the less time that they spent together, just with one another, just for fun. They had so many serious conversations. Sometimes she yearned for all the times when they were younger, just shooting hoops or making up games or sitting and watching their favorite movies.

This, just the two of them, it was nice.

Sana tossed the ball over to Elias. Instead of beginning his next move, he rolled the ball between his hands. He had a serious look on his face, like he was contemplating asking her something.

Sana tilted her head. “You okay?”

Elias nodded. “What’s up with Noora?”

“Eh?” She felt a smile curl onto her face. “Why do you want to know?”

Elias glared at her. “You know why.”

“You like Noora?”

Elias rolled his eyes. “Just answer the question.”

Sana tried not to smirk. “She’s single.”

“She interested in anyone?” he asked.

“Anyone, meaning you?”

“Anyone meaning anyone else.”

Sana shook her head. “There… there was a boyfriend. They were pretty serious, but I don’t think they’ve talked in months.”

“That’s definitely over?”

“I’m pretty sure.”

Elias grinned, and Sana couldn’t help but smile back. Her brother’s joy was always infectious.

“Cool, cool,” he said, and then began to bounce the ball a few times. “You ready to go?”

 

+++

 

 **Subject** : Tough questions, tough girl  
**From** : Yousef Acar  
**Sent** : Jul 24 09:12

Sana,

I’ve never met anyone like you before, who loves to ask tough-ass questions randomly and in the middle of conversations and emails. I love it, don’t get me wrong. I wish I could see your face as you typed it out, though. Scrunched in concentration, like you’re worried that what you’re saying isn’t going to come out exactly like you’re thinking. Sometimes I feel like you’ve already come up with an answer before you’ve finished speaking, and I hope that what I can come up with is half as good as what you’ve decided.

I don’t have an answer for you, right now. But I’ll let you know as soon as I come up with one. I guess fate isn’t a central tenant of my party religion (yet). But trust, I’m writing up the canon, and I’ll show it to you in August.

I’m taking as many pictures as I can, and I’ll try to email them to you. My grandparent’s computer isn’t so old that I can’t charge my phone on it, but man does it take forever just to upload one image. And as this point, with no Wi-Fi or data, my phone is basically just a break weighing down my pockets. It’s hard getting used to, again, the feeling of not constantly having to check it to make sure I haven’t missed a call or a text.

Let’s see if I can describe pieces of Turkey for you, and if it isn’t better than photos.

I sleep in my father’s old room, and it overlooks the front yard. Every morning, the sun wakes me up, no matter how many blankets I put up over the window to help the old curtains block out the light. Once the sun has me up though, I can’t fall back asleep. So I sit at the window, sometimes, and look out into the yard. My grandmother’s flowers are blooming right now. The colors are radiant. And in the distance, I can see the house where my mother grew up.

I don’t know if I ever told you, but my parents grew up very close to one another. My father’s best friend was my mother’s older brother, so they would see each other all the time. They got together when they were teenagers.

Sana, let me ask you this: coincidence, or not?

\- Y

 

+++

 

Sana looked at Vilde, stretched out on her bed. She looked tired, the bags under her eyes slightly pronounced. Vilde’s bag, jacket, and nametag were on the floor next to the bed, strewn haphazardly. As soon as Vilde had come over, she had just dumped her things and flopped onto the comforter. She had taken a summer job at a local clothing store, and had picked up a bunch of hours for a coworker that was on vacation.

“How’s work going?” Sana asked, sitting at her desk.

“This woman asked me to hold her baby while she tried on clothes, but failed to mention that the baby had just eaten, so I got puke all down my back,” Vilde groaned.

Sana curled her lip in disgust. “And now you’re on my bed?”

“I changed my shirt!”

Sana laughed. “I know you don’t remember this, but you puked all over me in Eva’s bed, freshman year.”

“I did not!”

“Yeah, you did. That night that you got blackout drunk and thought you were having William’s baby.”

Vilde groaned and rolled over onto her stomach, burying her face with her hands. Sana laughed again, and then got up from her desk. She moved over onto the bed, poking Vilde until her friend slid to one side. Sana sat next to her, rubbing her back and stroking her hair. Vilde mumbled something Sana couldn’t quite catch, but she thought it was about remembering that horrible experience with the school’s doctor.

“She did seem pretty incompetent,” Sana said in a soothing voice.

Vilde lifted her face from her hands. “Promise you’ll never treat your teenaged patients that way?”

Sana nodded solemnly. “I swear.”

Vilde rolled onto her back, her arm pillowing her head. Her blonde hair was spilling out of its ponytail. She smiled, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“At least I never have to worry about that again,” Vilde said.

“What? Going back to the nurse? Or thinking you’re pregnant with William’s baby?” Sana grinned.

Vilde cleared her throat. “Thinking I’m pregnant. With anyone’s baby.”

“Did you get an IUD?” Sana asked. “Why didn’t you ask me to go to the clinic with you?”

Vilde shook her head no. Then she tilted her head up, looking at the ceiling instead of looking at Sana. She brought her hands up, and began to pick at her nails, pulling at the cuticles and then biting at the edges of her fingers. Sana watched her for a moment, and then gently placed her hand on top of Vilde’s. She pushed down on them, moving them away from her friend’s face.

“Vilde, what’s happened?” Sana frowned. “Are you okay?”

“I broke up with Magnus,” Vilde said.

Sana froze for a moment, confused. Vilde stared up at her with wide eyes, and then rolled over again, this time onto her side. Her arm flopped over the bed, and Sana leaned forward. Vilde was digging through her bag.

“I’m sorry, Vilde,” Sana said. “What happened?”

Vilde pulled out her phone, and turned back to Sana.

“I’ve… been talking a lot to Eva and Isak,” she said slowly. “And just started… realizing… things.”

Sana furrowed her brow. “Realizing things?”

“You know, like, seeing how happy they are...” Vilde nodded, and put in her passcode.

“How happy they are?”

“You know, dating,” Vilde said. She paused for a moment, than her eyes went wide. “Not that I don’t see how happy you are, too, with Yousef. I love Yousef, I am all for you and Yousef-”

“Vilde, shh,” Sana said. She was still confused. “Okay? So, talking to Eva about Khadijah and Isak about Even made you realize… what? That you’re not really happy with Magnus?”

Vilde breathed a sigh of relief. “Yes. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“That… you don’t feel strongly about him anymore?” Sana shook her head. “What does that have to do with not getting pregnant? Have you decided to be celibate for a while?”

Vilde sighed, and then shoved her phone in Sana’s face. “I made a Tinder profile.”

Sana batted Vilde’s hands away from her face. “What?”

“Just look at it,” Vilde said, lips flattened into a line.

Sana raised her eyebrows, but took Vilde’s phone. She glanced at the profile. The picture Vilde had chosen was beautiful; she was laughing at someone just to the right of the camera, her entire face glowing. It listed her name, Nissen, and the same information that was on her Instagram. Sana wasn’t even sure what she was supposed to say, until her eye caught on a line of text.

“Interested in women only,” Sana said slowly, lowering Vilde’s phone.

Vilde looked like she wanted to jet off of Sana’s bed and run out of the room. With shaking hands, she grabbed her phone back from Sana. Sana felt a smile slowly stretch across her face. She leaned in immediately, enveloping Vilde into a hug. She knew that this was a big moment, and she was worried that she would mess it up. She was excited for Vilde, but not too sure what to say. So, she just said her friend’s name, with as much joy as she could put into her tone.

“Vilde!”

Vilde’s arms came around her immediately, hugging her back. Sana squeezed her tightly.

“Vilde, I’m so proud of you,” Sana said, partially into her hair. “Thank you for telling me.”

Vilde pulled back slightly, eyes still wide. She bit her lip. “Really?”

“Vilde, yes, of course,” Sana said. “I love you so much. And - I’m sorry, if I made you too nervous to tell me-”

Vilde shook her head quickly. “No! No, it wasn’t anything you did. It’s - well. I’m still having trouble saying it out loud. You know. That I’m. Maybe? You know.”

Sana titled her head. “A lesbian?”

Vilde sighed with relief. “Yes.”

A smile played on Sana’s lips. “There’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian.”

Vilde laughed. It sounded a little weak, but not forced. “I know, I was just… I didn’t know how I was going to say it. Eva was totally cool, you know, when she told is she was bi. I was worried I’d mess up my first time.”

“I’m so proud of you,” Sana repeated, and then paused. “Wait. Your first time?”

Vilde nodded quickly. “You’re the first one I wanted to tell. You know. Besides Tinder.”

Sana felt overwhelmed. “Vilde… I… thank you.”

“I knew that you would say the right thing. You always do. You… You never shy away from us, no matter what.” Vilde said.

They hugged again, and Vilde rested her forehead in the crook of Sana’s neck. When they pulled away, Vilde had a huge grin on her face.

“And you know, before I told you, I’ve been doing a lot of research on LGBT Muslims. There’s a lot of them besides Khadijah.” Vilde said. “Did you know that they existed?”

Sana tried not to laugh at her. “Yes, Vilde. Muslims of all kinds exist.”

“Right. Well, like this woman, who does photography, Samra Habib?” Vilde looked excited. “Do you know her?”

Sana raised her eyebrows. “Vilde. How many times do I have to tell you, I don’t know all of the Muslims in the wor-”

“No, no, I meant, do you know her art,” Vilde said quickly.

When Sana shook her head, Vilde gestured towards her laptop, still open on the desk.

“I can show you, if you want?” Vilde asked.

Sana smiled, nodding her head. “I’d love to share that with you.”

 

+++

 

**WED JULY 26, 15:21**

Adam: Anyone missing a right shoe?

Adam: It’s black and shiny and professional

Elias: What? No.

Mikael: No

Mikael: Wait, actually yes

Elias: Bro

Mutta: HOW

Even: :D

Mutta: How could you not have noticed you only had one shoe on?

Mikael: I wore my work shoes to Adam’s last week but brought sneakers to change into and forgot one of them

Mikael: I’ve had to wear my dad’s shoes to work all week because I couldn’t remember where my right shoe was

Elias: Disgraceful, man

Adam: Okay well good to know

Adam: I was just going to throw it out because I knew it wasn’t mine

Adam: But I’ll save it

Adam: When can you come get it?

Mikael: Can’t you bring it to me?

Mikael: So I don’t have to walk around with only one shoe?

Elias: Mikael

Elias: Why wouldn’t you just wear another pair of shoes and bring a bag

Mikael: Why would I do that?

Mutta: WHY WOULD YOU ONLY WEAR ONE SHOE TO PICK UP THE MATCHING ONE????

Adam: Yeah I’ll bring it to you

Mikael: Okay, what time are you coming over?

Elias: Can you stop talking about your damn shoes

Elias: When Yousef returns all he's gonna see are a bunch of notifications and get hype and then realize they're all stupid messages about shoes

Mikael: We could take him out the group until he returns

Elias: TAKE HIM OUT OF THE GROUP?!

Elias: Okay bro why don't I take YOU out of the group, huh?

Even: Hey, did I ever ask you guys if you wanted to come over for a party?

Even: Isak and I were thinking of throwing one

Even: Invite whoever you want

Elias: Ayeeeeeeee

Adam: Sounds good my man

Mikael: When?

Mikael: Adam make sure you bring my shoe before the party so I can wear them

Elias: SHUT UP ABOUT THE FUCKING SHOE

Mutta: Did you invite the girls already???

Even: No

Even: Not yet

Even: But I’ll tell Isak

Adam: Make sure Chris is coming

Adam: So that Mutta doesn't stand around looking like a kicked puppy the entire time ;)

Mikael: Yo Mutta, how many times have you looked at her Snaps today?

Mikael: :D

Adam: Just as bad as Yousef with Sana

Elias: Bro, leave my sister out of this

Elias: At least Yousef actually talked to her

Mutta: I’VE TALKED TO CHRIS

Even: “Excuse me, pass the watermelon” is not talking

Mutta: EVEN YOU WEREN’T EVEN SITTING NEXT TO ME OK

Mutta: You don't know how it went down

Elias: Wow, is that the last time we all hung out?

Adam: Yah

Even: Okay, so Monday night?

 

+++

 

Sana chewed on the end of her pen, looking at Jamilla critically.

They were back in the kitchen, a bunch of textbooks between them. Jamilla was reviewing a few flashcards for an upcoming test. She decided to take a few summer classes, to help her graduate on time while getting a special certification. She had said it would be good prep for Sana too, and suggested they grab dinner afterwards to celebrate all their hard work.

But so far, Sana hadn’t done much studying at all. She was starting to feel a bit like Isak.

Jamilla finally looked up and smirked. “Yousef’s not even here, and he’s still distracting you.”

“No, that’s not it.” Sana smiled back around her pen. “Well. Maybe a little bit.”

Jamilla titled her head. “What’s up?”

Sana bit down again, and glanced towards the hallway. She was pretty sure Elias was home, and this was one conversation she didn’t want him to overhear. No matter how cool he was with Sana and Yousef going out.

“You want to go outside?” Sana asked instead.

Jamilla looked at her for a few minutes, before she nodded slowly.

They ended up back at the swingsets, the site of their reunion earlier that year. Sana smiled as she took a seat, pushing off of the ground slightly. Jamilla swung slowly, slightly twisting the chains of her swing as she turned her head to regard Sana. Sana furrowed her eyebrows slightly, the sun in her face, as she glanced back at Jamilla.

“Is this far enough away from the house?” Jamilla asked.

Sana looked down at her sneakers. “Did you really only get engaged to Omar so that you could have sex?”

Jamilla made a small choking noise, and Sana didn’t dare look up. She was pretty sure Jamilla was laughing at her. The suspicion was confirmed when she heard a small snort.

“Who told you that?” she sounded flabbergasted.

“Elias,” Sana admitted. “But that was years ago.”

“I got engaged to your brother because I love him.”

“But why engaged?” Sana looked over at Jamilla. “You can love someone and just date them, no?”

“Well, yeah, but-”

“And how did you know it was love? You were only sixteen when you met, only seventeen when you announced the engagement,” Sana said.

Jamilla squinted. “Is this about Omar and I, or you and Yousef?”

“I… both?” Sana sighed. “I don’t have any other Muslim friends, Jamilla.”

She was embarrassed to even be asking these questions, but she had to know. She had been thinking about it all, ever since her talks with Chris, Isak, and Vilde. She knew that she was young, but she also felt in love. She felt that Yousef was the only one for her. She would be lying to no one but herself if she didn’t admit that she often played what he asked her, that night in the dark kitchen, over and over in her head -

Do you believe in soul mates?

But it just felt so much more complicated for her, than she imagined it was for the rest of her friends. So even though it was kind of weird to be asking Jamilla about her relationship with her older brother, she trusted Jamilla. And she really needed advice from someone more mature, someone who might understand a bit of what she was going through. Even if Jamilla and Omar were both Muslim.

“Ah,” Jamilla said finally.

The swung in silence for a few moments.

“I’m not trying to pry,” Sana said. “I just… you know, I thought it would get less confusing, actually dating Yousef. But it’s really not.”

Jamilla huffed out a laugh. “Preaching to the choir.”

Sana smiled.

Jamilla continued. “I knew I was in love with your brother the first time I saw him, and I was never shy about that. I… rushed into a lot of things with Omar, and he was always willing to take those leaps with me. Actually, he probably took many of them first, and I just ran to follow.”

“Yeah.”

“And a lot of people didn’t understand, I think. Our parents, for starters. Yours though I was too young for him, and mine couldn’t believe I chose someone who wasn’t Somali. But I thought, what was three years or another ethnicity, to be with someone who just got me, you know?”

“I know,” Sana said.

“So when Omar proposed… what could I say but yes? Especially since he was going to Paris to study economics for a few years,” Jamilla said. “For me, that was a beautiful way to show our commitment to each other. To tell everyone, hey, we’re apart, but we’ll always be together. I love him and I trust him.”

Sana hummed, watching Jamilla’s face closely.

“It’s not the right move for everyone,” Jamilla said pointedly. “But for us? Yes. I think there’s many different ways to be with the one you love, and this was just ours.”

“So… you didn’t do it just to have sex?”

Jamilla laughed. “Okay. Well. I won’t lie to you. Sex was… a reason. Yes. It was part of the equation. But, I don’t know. That was something Omar and I talked about a lot, something that we felt would be okay because we loved each other and made the commitment to be married.”

“Except you’re not actually married, not yet,” Sana couldn’t keep herself from saying.

Jamilla shrugged. “No. And that’s something that’s between Omar, Allah and I.”

Sana nodded slowly, her foot skidding against the ground as she thought.

“You know, this is all to say that I’m not really the one you should talk to about this. Not to say I’m not glad you’re opening up to me,” Jamilla added, quickly, “But that it’s a choice you and Yousef have to make.”

Sana sighed. “I know. It’s just… I’m very serious about him. And… a lot has happened between us, you know? I trust him, so much, and I want him, so much, and…”

“And you love him?”

“Yes. I love him.” Sana nodded, her heart pounding. “I love him, so much.”

It was the first time she had said it out loud, and it wasn’t even to Yousef himself. She wanted to bury her head in her hands, but Jamilla was shooting her a brilliant, unguarded smile. All Sana could do was grin back. She let the feeling overwhelm her, and suddenly she wanted to shout about how much she loved Yousef.

“I knew it!” Jamilla grinned.

“I haven’t told him,” Sana said quickly. “And we haven’t talked about… any of this… yet. I’m… I don’t know. I’m worried that it’s too serious, too soon. We’ve just started dating, and now he’s abroad until September, practically. I’ve been thinking about it all a lot, but I can’t even really talk to him about it. It’s not stuff you can just blurt out over an email.”

“An email? Definitely not,” Jamilla looked slightly disgusted. “Skype, though? Why not?”

“He can’t Skype,” Sana said. “His grandparents barely have internet.”

“Oh. Well,” Jamilla huffed. “Okay, then, yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“Look, Sana,” Jamilla said slowly, “You and Yousef… I’ve seen you together. And you’ll work it all out. I know it’s stressful, but be patient with yourself and be kind with your relationship. I’m sure he’s thinking about all this, too. And when he comes back, you’ll talk. You’re not doing this alone.”

Sana smiled. “You know, Omar is lucky to have you.”

Jamilla laughed. “Make sure you tell him that, just so he doesn’t forget.”

They swung a little bit in silence, before Jamilla looked back at Sana again.

“Khadijah told me that she invited Eva over for dinner,” she grinned.

Sana raised her eyebrows. “Wait, really?”

Jamilla nodded. “Yeah. She’s supposed to come over to meet our parents on Sunday.”

“How did your parents react?”

Jamilla said, “They’re curious to meet Eva. And honestly, they’re just excited that Khadijah finally dumped that awful American girl, you remember her? Julie with the tongue ring?”

Sana nodded, “She kept taking it out and playing with it at that summer barbeque.”

“Yeah. So they made me show them Eva’s Facebook, they’re just happy she looks like a pretty, normal Norwegian.”

Jamilla shot her a knowing look, and they laughed together.

 

+++

 

 **Subject** : I saw a swan today…  
**From** : Sana Bakkoush  
**Sent** : Jul 28, 19:54

Yousef,

I saw a swan today, and it reminded me of that time when you literally fell apart. At first, all I could do was look at it and laugh, thinking of you, but then it made a horrible noise and started running after me. I had to hightail out of there to make sure I kept all of my fingers. Then I felt guilty for making fun of you, all those weeks ago. It was actually terrifying. Which was a little strange, because I’m not really terrified by things, just… ideas? For example, I love horror movies. Chris and I used to marathon them all the time, and I really miss doing that. Hopefully this summer, she and I will start the tradition up again. But they would just make me laugh, no matter the film.

I saw Jamilla recently, and it was nice talking with her. We spoke about Omar a little, which was weird. And it made me wonder, about you and Elias. Was it weird, for you, talking about me to him? I’m just assuming that you did, but maybe not.

Your description was beautiful. After I read your email, it was all I could think about as I stood on the balcony and regarded my own view. It’s not nearly as picturesque, but it holds a lot of treasured memories. It’s hard not to look down on the lawn and see all the things that have happened back there. I’m sure your father feels the same, when he’s in his old room. Did one of your grandparents grow up in that house too? I wonder what they see when they look out onto the garden.

Sana

P.S. I don’t think I believe in coincidences.

 

+++

 

Sana wandered into her parents' room, stalling in the doorway for a moment. All of the lights were off except for a small lamp on the nightstand. Her mother was in bed, reading. Her hair was wrapped up in a towel and she just had on pajamas and a loose robe. Her face was smooth and relaxed, and Sana was hesitant to disturb her.

"Hey, Mama," she said, entering the room.

Her mother looked up and smiled, and patted the bed next to her. Sana walked over. She settled herself on the bed as her mother closed her book, keeping her finger inside to keep her page. Sana scooted closer, leaning her head on her mother's shoulder. Her mother's arm came up around her, and stroked her shoulder.

"How come you're not asleep yet?" she asked.

Her mother kissed her forehead. "I'm just waiting up for your father. He got called in for an emergency, but should be home soon."

Sana smiled. Her mother often tried to wait up for her father to come home, no matter the hour. It was so sweet; inadvertently, she thought about Yousef. How she just knew he would do the same thing, while she did her future medical studies and residency and then career. She could see him, stretched out on their couch, waiting for her to get home. Food still warm on the stove so she wouldn't be starving, coming home at three or four in the morning. A slow, sleepy smile melting onto his face as she leaned in to kiss him-

"What about you, love?" Her mother asked, shaking Sana from her thoughts.

"Hmm? Oh, I just couldn't sleep."

"Something on your mind?"

Sana was silent for a few moments. She was thinking about the conversation she and her mother had, when she had finally told her that Yousef wasn't Muslim. She had taken her mother's advice seriously, and knew that they had come from a place of care. But so far, her relationship with Yousef hadn't been so difficult, whenever they've sat down and talked about Islam. Even when she was having doubting moments, he seemed to just pull her back in, and remind her of why she believed.

Yet, something was still nagging at her. And she knew that it was because, again, she was scared that she was feeling too serious, too quickly. Her mother's words echoed in her head: you're not going to get married at seventeen. But even before they admitted to liking each other, Sana thought about her future. And in every iteration, Yousef was in it.

As helpful as her conversation with Jamilla was, she was still feeling confused. And she knew she had to talk to Yousef about all of this. But what if it was all too soon? Or, perhaps, even worse. What if they were on the same page now; but three or four years down the line, she still loved him, and he realized they couldn't actually work out?

"When you first starting dating Baba," Sana asked slowly, "Were you ever worried that he would... change his mind? About you?"

Her mother stopped stroking her arm for a moment.

“Yes, I did,” she said. “And sometimes I wondered if I would change my mind, too. That’s the nature of relationships. Not only romantic ones. There are friends, I’ve had, that I used to consider my sisters that I don’t speak to anymore. It happens.”

Sana said, “Yes, but I mean… you were young, when you met, right? And you got engaged not too long afterwards-”

Her mother sighed. “Sana, you’re much too young to be thinking about getting engaged-”

“Okay, but I’m just asking,” Sana said. “You said it was okay to ask.”

“Yes, but-”

“Okay, so, what if I’m not talking about me,” Sana said. “What about - what about Jamilla and Omar? Why did you let him get engaged so young?”

“Your brother is very different than you, Sana,” her mother said slowly. “He… does a lot of his acting first, and then stops to think later. Nothing I could say to him would mean a thing. He’s not one to really stop to look at the realities of the future. He loves Jamilla, yes. But I think, especially when they first began dating, that was all he could see.”

“So you don't think they'll actually get married? Be happy together?”

"I don't know. Nobody does. Do I hope they work out? Yes, of course, and I wish them every happiness,” her mother smiled slightly. “I wish that for all my children, that you will end up with people who love you and who are committed to your happiness and will help guide you in your weakest moments.”

Sana stayed silent.

“But my love, no one can predict who that person might be. Who you are now… that, I can promise you, will not be the same person you will be in ten, five, or even just one year from now.”

“But just because you change, doesn't mean your love will, does it? Isn't it possible to grown together and not apart?” Sana looked up at her mother. “Look at you and Baba.”

“Yes, that’s true. But Sana, listen. You are not Omar or Elias or me or your father, you are you. And it doesn’t help to pretend these sorts of conversations are about anyone else.”

Sana looked back down at her hands. “I know.”

“You are quite the opposite from your brothers, in many ways. You take your time to consider all the possibilities. You think, sometimes so much that it takes you a very long time to act.” Her mother squeezed her shoulder. “But that’s a good thing, because you are so young, Sana. You don’t jump into things like so many others. But you also don’t need to put so much weight on this, on your first boyfriend.”

Sana let out a long breath, and tried to think of an appropriate response. But all that was coming to he was the swelling of emotions that always pushed to the surface when she thought of Yousef. How he was caring and smart, funny and thoughtful, how he both pushed her to think differently and affirmed her in her faith. She didn’t know anyone else like him. And honestly, if there was someone else like that… she didn’t care to know them. Because she had the best one, right in her heart.

“I-” Sana let out a breath. “He’s not just a first boyfriend. I’m in love with him, Mama.”

Her mother was quiet for a long time, and Sana almost regretted saying anything at all. She bit her lip, chewing on the skin.

“My little girl, in love,” she said finally; her tone was gentle and a little sad.

Sana continued. “And… I know I’m young, but… I can’t imagine feeling this way about anyone else. I can’t imagine changing my mind about him. I just… I don’t know if he feels the same way. And I’m scared that even if he does feel that way now, what about in the future?”

Her mother sighed. “I know that more often than not, I don’t say exactly what you want to hear. But, when you ask me advice, know that I will never lie to you. I never want to see you get hurt. But, my love, it’s going to be a possibility. I can’t tell you that Yousef will love you forever, and I can’t tell you that you’ll always feel the same for him. But… being in love with him, right now? You feel that for a reason. And that is beautiful. Don’t put too much weight on it. Just try and feel it.”

Sana huffed out a laugh. “It sounds much simpler when you say it.”

Her mother laughed too. “I know. But, let me tell you this. There are two things that always help me whenever I’m stuck.”

“What?”

“Talking it through with your father and praying on it,” her mother said.

Sana was quiet. “Thank you, Mama.”

“I’m always in your corner, Sana. Though, I must say, things were much easier when you were younger and were just asking about what clouds were made of,” her mother said wryly.

Sana laughed. When her mother kissed her forehead, she snuggled closer under her arm, like she used to do as a child.

 

+++

 

**SUN JULY 30, 20:37**

Eva: NOORA PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME THAT WASN’T WILLHELM’S CAR I SAW PARKED OUTSIDE YOUR PLACE

Vilde: WHAT

Eva: I just drove by with Khadijah and we saw his ugly car

Sana: WILLHELM IS IN OSLO?

Eva: Khadijah refuses to double-back though

Chris: WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Eva: And she says not to get out the car and do something I’ll regret later

Vilde: OMG

Eva: Noora I need you to answer asap

Vilde: OMG

Vilde: OMG

Chris: Why is he here????

Chris: Is his new girlfriend with him???

Chris: Noora do you want us to come over there and kick the shit out of him???

Chris: Sana bring your brother!!!!!

Sana: Noora, are you all right?

Eva: I’m trying to convince Khadijah to go back around

Eva: I told her that if she didn’t I would grab the wheel myself

Sana: Eva, aren’t you supposed to be at dinner right now???

Vilde: Eva!!!!

Vilde: You can’t go back to Noora’s and try to beat up Willhelm

Vilde: Khadijah’s parents will never like you if you miss dinner for something like that!!

Eva: Calm down dinner is over

Eva: It was so fun, btw

Eva: I think her parents really liked me

Vilde: That’s great!

Sana: Yay, Eva!

Eva: BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

Chris: <3

Vilde: NOORA

Chris: Noora should we come over?

Chris: If you don’t answer in five minutes I’m grabbing Los Losers and I’m omw

Sana: I can get there in 15 minutes

Sana: I just asked Elias for a lift

Vilde: Someone come get me!!!!

Eva: Okay I told Khadijah that this was IMPERATIVE

Eva: And that I would literally jump out of this moving car

Vilde: Is anyone coming to get me??

Chris: I’m grabbing my jacket to leave

Eva: Okay

Eva: We’re turning back now

Eva: Noora I’ll be there soon!!

Sana: Elias and I are getting in his car

Sana: I’m leaving my house

Noora: Guys, stop please.

Chris: ARE YOU STILL ALIVE

Chris: QUICK, YES OR NO

Noora: YES.

Noora: I don’t need any backup, okay.

Noora: Stop blowing up my messages, I’m fine.

Sana: Noora, I swear if he hurts you

Noora: He won’t. Look, it’s fine. Just give me some space, okay?

Noora: I’ll see you all tomorrow, at Even and Isak’s party.

Eva: ARE YOU SURE

Eva: We’re literally right down the block

Sana: I’m in the car with Elias

Sana: Just say the word

Sana: And we’re there

Noora: Please, it’s okay. Leave us alone.

Vilde: :/

Noora: We have to talk.

Sana: Okay

Chris: Ok

Sana: Please call or message if you need anything

Eva: Fine

Noora: Okay. Love you guys <3

Vilde: <3

 

+++

 

Sana was sitting on the couch next to Vilde, Khadijah and Eva. Khadijah was in the middle of a story about a Tinder date gone wrong, with Vilde looking on with horrified fascination. Sana and Eva kept glancing each other and trying not to laugh.

They were all at Even and Isak’s place, the party in full swing. Elias, Isak, Jonas, Mikael had just brought out a pack of cards, and were starting a game of Ride the Bus. Even was chatting with Mahdi, Magnus and the rest of the guys near the kitchen, laughter constantly streaming through the open doorway. Chris and Mutta were standing slightly off to the side, having a conversation that Sana wasn’t quite sure she could, or wanted, to follow. She had only heard a few words - the nation-state is a social construct created to divide us from our shared humanity - before she decided to tune it out. Mutta’s face was very serious, his entire body leaning towards Chris, who looked like she was fully engaged but also just wanted to kiss him.

Sana heard the doorbell ring, and a large cheer went through the apartment, before it tapered off into a strained silence. Sana turned her face from Khadijah to see Noora walk in, William in tow. Noora smiled at soon as she spot the group, giving a cute little wave. Sana felt her mouth press into a frown, and she exchanged a glance with Eva.

“Hey girls,” Noora said, a tight smile on her face.

A small chorus of ‘hellos’ emerged from the couch. Sana glanced towards her brother, who was holding the deck of cards in his hands. He was staring at William’s back, a confused look on his face. His jaw clenched for a moment, and then he went back to dealing the cards. Sana’s eyes slid over to the rest of the guys. Mikael was looking at Elias with a concerned look on his face. Isak was getting up from his seat, and walking over towards the couch.

“Willhelm, good to see you back in Oslo,” Eva said without much enthusiasm.

Vilde, who had just taken a sip of wine, almost began to choke. Noora looked like she wanted to laugh, but twisted her mouth into pursed lips instead. Sana gently began to pat Vilde on the back. Khadijah slid her hand on to Eva’s knee, squeezing slightly.

“How’s London?” Vilde asked when she caught her breath.

William barely glanced at Vilde, his eyes on Eva. “It’s London. Chris sends his regards.”

“You can take them back to London with you,” Eva said. “When will you be returning?”

“Noora, William,” Isak strolled up to them, a confused smile on his face. “Nice to have you here. Anyone need a drink?”

Noora shook her head, but William nodded. “I’ll come with you.”

The two boys walked back towards the kitchen. Noora stayed standing, fiddling with the sleeves on her jean jacket. There was an awkward pause, and then Khadijah stood up.

“Well, it looks like you girls have a lot to, uh, discuss,” she said, inching towards the card game.

“What, you mean you don’t want to stay for this awkward conversation?” Eva said, a smile playing on her face.

Khadijah grinned back, and bent over to kiss Eva’s cheek. “I’m sure you’ll fill me in on it later.”

Sana watched, smiling slightly, as Khadijah walked over to the guys. She slid into a spot next to Elias, punching him on the shoulder and looking at the game. In her peripheral, she noticed Chris looking in their direction, a surprised look gracing her face when she noticed Noora. Chris gestured towards Mutta, slipping her drink into his hand, and wandered over. Sana wanted to grin when she saw the downcast look on Mutta’s face.

“I can’t wait to be part of a cute lesbian couple,” Vilde sighed.

Sana pressed her lips together and tried not to smirk at the look Eva and Noora threw at Vilde. Chris slid into the spot Khadijah had just been in, and leaned against Sana.

“Not to distract from what’s happening,” Vilde added quickly. “Noora?”

“When did you get in?” Chris asked.

“A few minutes ago,” Sana filled Chris in. “She brought Willhelm with her.”

“What?” Chris’s eyes were wide. “He’s here? Why?”

Noora sighed, and perched on the arm of the sofa. She swung one leg back and forth, staring off towards the kitchen. From her spot, Sana could see Isak laughing, a beer in his hand. William was standing close to him, nodding at something.

“We… maybe didn’t do much talking last night...” Noora hedged.

“Ugh, Noora!” Eva said.

“I know. But he… look, there’s something between us, you know. It’s… it’s always been me and William.” Noora sighed. “And… I missed him. Plus, if there’s one thing that’s always been good between us, it was sex.”

Eva said slowly, “But… you know… good sex…. It isn’t…”

“I know, but every time I tried to talk, he… I just got distracted.” Noora shifted uncomfortably.

“Did he say he was here?” Sana asked. “Why he showed up out of the blue?”

“He said he loves me and he wants to work things out,” Noora said. “That he’s changed, and he knows I have too, that we can put… some of the stuff of the past… behind us.”

“Stuff like not being there for you with everything for the trial?” Eva asked.

There was a pregnant pause. Chris and Sana exchanged looks; Noora said nothing.

“Maybe he has changed,” Vilde said, not very convincingly. “Has he… apologized? You know, or said anything before you two…?”

Noora shook her head no. “I just… you know. It’s William.”

“Well, if the sex is still good, that’s good,” Chris said, a fake upbeat tone in her voice.

“Yeah,” Vilde said. “And bringing him here, to hang out with us all, that’s good.”

Noora stuck her tongue into her cheek and didn’t say anything. Sana furrowed her brow.

“What’s that look?” Sana asked.

“Well... ” Noora hesitated. “I told him that I was hanging out with you today, and he was… upset. You know, said he came all the way here, and that we had a lot to discuss. But I didn’t want to miss the party, so he asked if he could come along.”

No one said anything for a moment.

“Okay… so not only does he show up to your house with no warning, he also came here, uninvited?” Eva asked.

Noora said, “I didn’t want to leave him alone at my place!”

Chris said, “Oh, Noora.”

“I’ll...” Noora shook her head, speaking quickly. “Look, I just need time, and some space. We have a lot to talk about, and I don’t really need you piling on me. Okay?”

Sana reached out to squeeze Noora on the leg. “Okay, okay. But we’re here for you, whenever, whatever you need. To talk, to not talk. Whatever. Right, ladies?”

No one answered. William was walking back over to them, Isak trailing behind him. Isak had a fake smile plastered on his face, and gave a little headshake to Sana when she shot him a concerned gaze.

Sana cleared her throat. “I said, right ladies?”

“Yup!” Vilde said, a smile on her face.

“Uh-huh,” Chris mumbled.

Eva just nodded curtly, and stood up. She walked over to the card table when William and Isak came back to the girls. Noora bumped her shoulder against Sana’s gently, a silent thank you. Sana looked up and smiled at her. She was worried for her friend, but also didn’t want to overwhelm her. Sana knew things with William were complicated, and she wanted to help. She hated seeing Noora so stressed, and knew trying to bring all of it up at a party wasn’t going to help. They could talk, later. When William wasn’t around.

Sana saw Chris open her mouth to say something, but then her phone went off. It wasn’t her usual ringtone for family and friends.

“Is it time for you to pray?” Vilde asked, leaning forward.

“You can go in our room,” Isak offered.

Sana shook her head, pulling her phone out of her pocket. She glanced at the screen, furrowing her brow. It was an unknown number, one that definitely didn’t look Norwegian. She excused herself, and moved to step out of the apartment. She answered the call.

“Hello?” She said, once she reached the front door.

“Hi.”

Sana paused with her hand on the knob, a smile stretching across her face. Her heart began to beat erratically. It was Yousef’s voice on the other line.

“Sana? Can you hear me?”

Sana pulled the door open and hurried into the hall. She was getting a lot of static over the line, so she hurried to get outside, hopefully where the reception could be better.

“Yes,” she breathed over the phone. “Just - just hold on. Don’t hang up, I’m going outside.”

He laughed. “I’m not going anywhere.”

The sun was setting as she stepped outside into the night. A warm breeze was kicking up, and she walked down the street a little bit, moving to sit on someone’s front stoop nearby. Her heart was racing, just listening to Yousef’s slow, even breathing on the other line. He called out something in Turkish, maybe to his grandparents. His voice, smooth and clear, made her shiver. She wished she knew what he was saying.

“Sorry,” Sana said. “I’m over at Isak and Even’s, I just wanted to step outside. It’s loud in there, they’re having everyone over.”

Yousef cursed. “Elias told me that was tonight, I forgot. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to drag you away-”

“No, no,” Sana rushed to tell him. “You’re not dragging me away at all.”

She could hear the smile in his voice. “Okay, good.”

Her heart was squeezing in her chest, and she couldn’t stop smiling. She knew she must’ve looked incredibly goofy, just sitting on the phone, staring out at nothing. But she hadn’t realized how much she just missed his voice. She wanted to close her eyes and just listen to him talk about nothing, everything. Imagine that he was standing next to her, close enough to reach out and touch, instead of thousands of miles away. Her breath caught in her throat, and she had to remind herself to breathe for a moment.

“So - so how are you?” she asked. “How are you calling me, right now?”

“I’m good,” he said, his voice like a warm caress. “I actually - I’m out with my cousins, in the city. I was just talking about you, and one of them mentioned he has an international plan.”

“You’re calling from your cousin’s phone?” her cheeks hurt from grinning so hard.

“I - yes. I couldn’t let this opportunity go by, especially knowing that Stephen has probably been calling you from the Caribbean since he got there,” Yousef teased.

“That is true, I have been hearing from him almost everyday,” Sana said. “He sends his love.”

“Of course he does,” Yousef chuckled.

“You’re in the city?”

“Yes, my grandparents insisted. I think I’m driving them a little crazy,” Yousef said. “I thought at first things were so hard for them, out here alone, you know? But it seems like they’ve really been enjoying doing so many things at their own pace, on their own. I think I’m cramping their style a bit.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yes, the first chance they got, they shoved me out of the door and into my cousin’s car. And I was supposed to help my grandmother with dinner tonight, too.”

Sana laughed. “Maybe there were one too many cooks in the kitchen?”

“Okay, wow, and what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, you know, you can get a little bossy...” Sana laughed again.

“Bossy? Me?”

“I mean, you are constantly telling me that I peel carrots all wrong...”

“Wow, wow,” Yousef said. “And here I thought you were enjoying all those free lessons. But fine, okay.”

“I’m just saying, maybe if you didn’t lecture, your grandmother would have wanted you in the kitchen tonight.”

“Hah! You think I’m bad, wait until I introduce you to my grandmother. When you meet her, first she’ll cook everything for you imaginable. Then after a few days, she’ll make you get right in there with her, and she’ll have you chopping like a top chef in no time.”

Sana poked her tongue out of her mouth, moistening her lips. “When I meet your grandmother?”

“Of course.” His voice was low and dark, and it made Sana shiver. “Sana, of course it’s when.”

She could barely breathe. “Okay.”

“Is that alright?”

Her voice was little more than a whisper. “Yes.”

“I can’t wait for that,” he said, slowly. “For you to meet her, and my grandfather. My aunts and uncles, all of my cousins-”

He stopped speaking for a moment, and then there was a muffled noise. She could hear him yelling in Turkish again. Even though she didn’t speak the language, she thought she could sense a sheepish tone in his voice. Then she heard a cough, and he was back on the line.

“Sorry,” Yousef said. “Speaking of cousins, they’re trying to pester me into a drink. They keep laughing at me, telling me that since I’m not Muslim, it’ll be fine. They just can’t take no for an answer.”

“Do all of your cousins drink?”

“Not all of them, but some,” he said. “Yet all of them think a bit of peer pressure is going to work on me. Hah! They haven’t hung out with my boys before.”

Sana laughed. “You’re very stubborn.”

“It must run in the family. But I know they only do it cause they like to tease me. I’m the youngest cousin, have I ever told you that?”

“No,” she said, “I didn’t know.”

“They always laugh that I’m the baby, the favorite. They’re trying to corrupt my innocence.”

“Ah, yes,” Sana giggled.

“Are you laughing?” he sounded mock-outraged. “You don’t believe me? I can’t believe that, to you, out of everyone, I have to defend my honor and virtue!”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Sana said, a smile in her voice. “I’m definitely not laughing at you.”

“You better not be,” Yousef said.

“Hmm? And hypothetically, what exactly are you going to do if I actually am?” Sana grinned.

He laughed, too. “Oh, just you wait and see.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” Sana said.

“I- shit,” Yousef’s voice became low again, like a hand stroking up her back at midnight. “Sana, I can’t wait to see you again.”

“I...” Sana felt a blush run up her neck. “I miss you.”

He said, “I wish I could be with you, now. Standing outside the apartment, looking into your eyes, just the two of us.”

Her throat felt dry. “Me too.”

“Sana-”

He stopped talking again, and she heard something cover the phone. He was yelling in Turkish again, speaking rapidly, like he was arguing with someone. Sana sighed, staring out into the street. She tried to breath through all the emotions she was feeling at the moment. Nostalgic, aching, happy, excited, morose. Everything that was pushing its way to the surface because she just missed Yousef so damned much.

“Sana, I’m sorry, but I have to go,” Yousef came back to the line.

“Oh, I - of course,” she said. “I shouldn’t have kept you on for so long.”

“No, it wasn’t long enough,” he said.

She would be lying if she said that didn’t make her heart skip a few beats.

“It’s just - my cousins are trying to drag me back inside. And they’re saying I can make cheesy comments at you when I get home, but can only be out with them for a few more weeks,” he said. “Plus, you’re at a party. I don’t want to keep you from that.”

“No, of course,” Sana said.

“I - I just needed to hear your voice,” he said.

“I’m glad you called me,” she said, her heart beating quickly.

“I’ll email you when I can,” he said. “Will you message me? Tell me about the party and how’ve you been?”

“Yes.”

“Give my love to everyone,” he said. “Give Elias a hug for me.”

She smiled. “Yeah, definitely.”

“Goodnight, Sana.”

“Bye, Yousef,” she said.

She bit on her tongue before anything else slipped out, like that she could barely breathe when his voice was low and soft, or that she wished her hand was wrapped around his instead of her phone, or that she loved him so much she wanted to spend every moment with him that she could. She punched the end button on the call instead, and spent a few more minutes staring into the street. The sky was completely dark now, and the streetlights had all come on. The street felt uncommonly quiet, like the city was being respectful of her mood.

She finally stood back up, trying to collect her emotions enough to head back into the party. She had missed a few texts on her phone from the girls, asking if she was okay. She quickly responded that she was just on a call, and was headed back up now. She played with her phone on her way back up to the apartment, a smile on her lips that was both content and sad.

She paused once she got into the hallway, about to turn the corner to get back into Isak and Even’s apartment. Noora and Elias were standing a few feet apart, right outside the doorway. Elias’s body looked tense, and Noora was running her hands through her hair, visibly upset. Sana stopped, and wondered what she should be doing. She snuck back behind the corner, peeking out to look at them.

“Chill,” Elias was saying. “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay-”

“Chill? Don’t tell me to chill!” Noora snapped.

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” Elias’s voice got quieter. “I didn’t mean it that way.”

“And what other way could you possibly mean it?”

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just, when I came out here and saw him interrogating you-”

“It’s called having a conversation-”

“-It looked really heated, and fuck, I don’t know-”

“-You know, when two people interact with each other using words, instead of just, trying to flirt or whatever through Facebook messenger-”

“I thought you looked scared, like it really didn’t look like you were okay-”

“-Because what even is that, challenging me to video game battles and sending me links to cool shows but then not asking me to go with you-”

“-So I stepped in, and you’re right, it wasn’t my place to do that, except-”

“-God, and those awful memes, who are you taking dating advice from, that you think that’s gonna win a girl over, is that your move, or whatever, you can’t play an instrument so you send stupid pictures-”

“-When I see someone being cornered, the way he was cornering you, it’s my instinct to jump in. Especially when it’s for someone I care about. I don’t let my people get bullied.”

Noora stopped talking, and the two of them stared at each other for a moment. Sana was caught, wondering if she should just turn and go back downstairs or if she should break up whatever the hell was happening between them.

“Your people?” Noor said wryly. “You know, being in one group chat doesn’t make me part of your people.”

Sana knew Noora was trying to diffuse the situation, but that wouldn’t work with Elias. He shifted, not even looking at Noora. Sana could see him beginning to close himself off already, like he usually did when he didn’t feel like fighting anymore. He was the kind of person that sort of just… shut down the conversation. She winced.

“Noora, look. Maybe it was stupid and presumptuous, but I do think of you as my people. Sana, all the girls, the squad, Isak - all of you. Okay? That means I’m here for you, and I care about you, and when I think you’re not okay, I’m going to fucking jump in, fists first.”

“Elias-”

“So if it made you uncomfortable... I’m sorry that I interrupted your conversation, or whatever the hell it was, but I was worried. We could all hear you shouting from inside the apartment. I knew you were upset. I didn’t mean to make it even worst.” He straightened his shoulders. “I won’t make that mistake again.”

Sana thought Noora was about to stomp her foot. “That’s - look, that’s not it-”

“Noora,” his voice was even softer; Sana could barely hear what he was saying. “Noora, listen to me. I’m not trying to make this about me. You’re… it’s obvious you’re going through something now. And I want to be here for you. But I also… never mind. Just, okay. I got your message, loud and clear.”

Noora didn’t respond.

“If you need anything, you know how to find me,” he said.

Sana watched as he paused for a moment, waiting for Noora to say something. When she didn’t, he clenched his jaw and turned to go back into the apartment. As he did, his eyes caught Sana’s. Sana froze for a moment, but then Elias just went inside without another word.

For a moment, Sana wasn’t even sure if he was looking at her or through her, lost in his own thoughts.

Noora took a deep breath. After a few moments, she turned and went back into the apartment as well.

 

+++

 

**TUE AUGUST 1, 10:54**

Mikael: Yo, Mutta

Mikael: Where did you run off to last night

Mikael: ?

Adam: Yeah we looked for you everywhere

Elias: You definitely promised to help clean the apartment up

Elias: And you were nowhere to be seen

Elias: Typical

Even: You know… Isak said that the girls couldn’t find Chris either

Even: ;)

Adam: HEYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Mikael: Does this mean what I think it means???

Elias: AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Mikael: Mutta

Mikael: You got some splaining to do

Mikael: ;)

Adam: Speaking of explaining

Adam: Elias

Adam: Man

Adam: What’s up with you and Noora?

Elias: Nothing

Even: Is she okay?

Even: What happened last night?

Mikael: Yeah who was that douche?

Elias: Idk

Elias: Remember how I told you a few nights ago, Sana was really freaked out?

Elias: Cause Noora’s ex came back randomly and she wanted me to drive her over to Noora’s

Adam: Yah

Elias: That guy was the ex

Mikael: Wooooooowwwwww what

Even: :/

Elias: Yeah

Elias: So I go into the hall and she looks like she’s freaking out and he’s just kind of standing there laughing at her

Elias: I butt in to ask if she’s okay and he’s basically just saying it’s none of my damn business

Elias: I told him if it had to do with Noora it is my damn business

Elias: He’s just like “wow okay, wow okay” and starts saying this weird up shit to Noora

Adam: What an asshole

Even: WTF

Elias: Some of it is fucked up, a lot of it was like, “why’d I bother investing so much time into us if you’re just gonna walk away”

Mikael: Stalker????

Elias: Yah idk

Elias: So then he left and Noora was really upset

Elias: And we got into it

Elias: idk

Elias: It was dumb

Elias: And t was my fault

Even: You can’t blame yourself, you were just looking out for her

Elias: Yah but I could’ve done it better

Elias: Not upset her

Elias: Anyway that’s what happened

Mikael: Damn :/

Adam: I’m sorry man

Elias: It is what it is

Adam: Wanna come over and play FIFA?

Elias: Yeah

Elias: Sure

Mikael: Then we can put out a police report for Mutta

Mikael: Who is still missing

Elias: Ayeeeeeeeeeee ;)

 

+++

 

Sana sat next to Eva in her kitchen, watching as Eva threw out three week’s worth of old take-out containers. Eva’s mother was returning home the next day, and Eva was trying to make the house seem a little bit presentable. She opened a white carton and sniffed, then made a curious face as if she wasn’t sure what was originally in the box.

“If you can’t identify it, you probably shouldn’t be eating it,” Sana said.

Eva laughed. “Great advice.”

She tossed the carton into the garbage bin, and pulled out an old pizza box. Instead of lifting up the cardboard to see what was inside, she tossed it onto the table with a sigh, and then sat down next to Sana. Eva folded her arms and then rested her head on it, turning it so she could look at Sana and smile.

“This doesn’t look like cleaning,” Sana said.

“Ugh, I know.”

Sana said, “You invited me over to yell at you whenever it looked like you were getting lazy. Or distracted.”

“I just need a small break, I promise,” Eva said.

Sana pursed her lips to keep from smiling. “That’s what you said when we stopped for half an hour between cleaning the bathroom and the living room.”

“Ugh, you have no sympathy for me.”

“If you wanted sympathy, you would’ve invited someone else,” Sana said.

Eva smiled. “Yeah, that’s true.”

They sat in silence for a moment.

“Do you ever sometimes… think about how different life is now, than when we first started Nissen?” Eva asked.

Sana nodded slowly, and wanted to tell Eva that she didn’t know the half of it. Sana had gone from being bullied and trying to constantly protect her emotions to always being surrounded by people who loved her. People who laughed with her, who protected her, who extended their hands when she felt she was undeserving.

Sana almost laughed, and wondered what her twelve year old self would think, looking at her now. A woman who was talking about love with her mother, sex with her almost sister-in-law, mental health with her best bud, relationships and growing with her best friends, and everything under the sun with the man she loved.

“Yeah,” Sana said instead. “For starters, I thought you were just some rude girl who never took her hat off.”

“Hah!” Eva said. “You’re one to talk.”

Sana smiled. “Can I admit something to you?”

Eva nodded.

Sana took a deep breath. “You know, our first year… I had seen you around. Sometimes with Jonas and Isak and sometimes alone. And I knew… other girls didn’t seem to like you much. There was this one time, in the cafeteria...”

“Yeah?”

“Well, Jonas had just left, and I was looking for somewhere to sit. And I saw you, just pretending to read some book-”

“Pretending? Oh really, Sana!”

“-And I wanted to go sit next to you, but I was too scared too. Because I knew that it would go one of two ways. You’d either tell me to get lost or we’d become friends immediately,” Sana said. “And both… were scary options.”

Eva smiled. “Sounds about right.”

“But I never got a chance to introduce myself to you, because then Chris found me, in German class. I don’t think I’ll ever really know why she first talked to me, but she did.” Sana glanced down at Eva. “And then, the next time I saw you, we were joining a bus together.”

Eva just stared at Sana for a moment, her eyes looking glassy. “Oh, Sana.”

“Yeah, well.”

Eva grinned suddenly. “And look at us now, we’re friends. I knew you must be a little bit psychic...”

Sana laughed. “Oh, shut up.”

“But no, it’s so true,” Eva said. “I was so different. Everything was so different. I had a boyfriend, but no friends. Now, I have a girlfriend, and.... I’m constantly surrounded by my sisters.”

Sana glanced away, trying to pretend she didn’t have tears filling her eyes. Eva knocked her body into Sana’s arm, smiling. Sana cleared her throat. She wondered what had happened, that had made her so mushy at the smallest thing. That had made her feel comfortable enough to show that mushiness to other people. She smiled.

“Are you saying all this just to distract me from pestering you about cleaning?”

Eva laughed. “Is it working?”

“No.”

“Ah, okay,” Eva said. “Well, what about this, I went by Chris’s place, since she’s been so suspiciously quiet in the group chat and...”

“And?”

“I totally caught her and Mutta making out.”

“No!”

Eva’s grin was sharp. “Yes.”

“Elias totally owes me money!” Sana cackled. “He said it would take them until the end of the summer, but I knew it. Chris saw what she wanted and she went for it.”

Eva shook her head. “Your brother has a serious problem. He’s like addicted to matchmaking.”

Sana furrowed her brow. “Huh? What do you mean?”

Eva seemed to freeze for a moment, and then slowly sat up straight, stretching. Sana heard something in her back pop, as Eva refused to look her in the eye.

“Oh, you know. Just that… your brother is really into relationships.” Eva coughed. “And stuff.”

Sana scrunched her face up.”Have you and my brother been talking?”

“Uhm, no...”

“Okay, first Vilde, then Noora, now you,” Sana said, a suspicious feeling melting over her, “Tell me, what exactly is up with you guys and Elias?”

“Nothing!” Eva said quickly. “Nothing. Uhm. Just, speaking of Noora…”

“We’re not done talking about this,” Sana said pointedly.

“I swear, there’s nothing. But about Noora,” Eva’s face grew serious. “Have you heard from her? Besides her ‘I’m fine, love you guys’ updates?”

Sana sighed and shook her head. She thought about telling Eva about the conversation between Noora and Elias that she had eavesdropped on, but then changed her mind.

“No, that’s the only thing I’ve been getting.”

Eva slumped. “Me too.”

“I’m sure she’s okay,” Sana said, unconvincingly.

Eva sighed. “Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Enough sitting here, let’s get back to cleaning.”

 

+++

 

 **Subject** : There’s something in the water

 **From** : Sana Bakkoush  
**Sent** : Aug 3, 20:55

Yousef,

First, let me tell you how much everyone misses you. I thought Elias was going to cry when I told him I spoke to you on the phone. Then, he demanded to know why I didn’t immediately turn the phone over to him. So, that’s something you’ll definitely have to look forward to when you come back to Oslo. And everyone else says hello, to send lots of good wishes and that they all miss you.

I know you’ve been able to email the guys as well, so I won’t tell you everything that’s been going on. But it definitely feels like something’s in the water, in terms of all the shifting relationships and drama that’s happening.

Speaking of, do you ever feel like everyone is in on this big secret, and no one bothered to tell you what it is? When I was younger, I felt that way a lot. I think most of it had to do with insecurity, especially around being so different and being bullied. I guess I thought that the reason why people were so mean, so prejudiced, was because they all knew something I didn’t. Kind of like everyone received this manual except me. And as I got older, I started realizing that it wasn’t that, it was just that people are raised in different ways. And that we all grow up with different biases, and some people never learn (or chose to learn) anything different.

But lately, it’s been different than that.

I know this sounds crazy, but I kind of feel like there’s this big secret between my friends, Elias, and your friends. Like, they’ve all been hanging out behind my back? I know that’s paranoid, but something’s been going on between a lot of them that I just don’t understand. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just not paying as much attention to everything that’s going on as I think. Sometimes I do have to remind myself I’m not omniscient.

I guess that’s another thing that’s changed from when I was younger. I was so busy on the sidelines, watching. Rarely did I join in. But now, sometimes, it feels like I’m at the center of it all. Which can be nice but also overwhelming. I miss being the wallflower. Or, maybe that’s not right. Because there’s nothing I love more than being surrounded by my friends, being included, being wanted.

I don’t know. I’m sorry if this has just been rambling, and doesn’t make much sense. It’s just when I talk to you, I always feel so much more centered. Hopefully emailing you about this will help me with that too.

I hope you had a great time with your cousins, and that your grandparents realized how much they missed you while you were out in the city. I can’t wait to hear from you again.

Sana

 

+++

 

“What time does the movie start again?” Eva sighed as she moved to lean against the glass.

“Ten minutes ago,” Sana responded.

She was standing with Eva outside of the movie theater, waiting for Chris, Vilde and Noora to show up. She and Eva had been waiting for about twenty minutes, watching hordes of teenagers go by them and into the theater. Vilde had already texted five times saying she and Chris were only a few minutes away, that it was all her fault that they were late. Ten minutes before, Noora had let them know she was on the same block as the movie theater.

“Typical,” Eva said, though there was a smile in her voice.

“Where’s Khadijah tonight?” Sana asked, also leaning against the wall.

“Hmm, she’s out with her best friend,” Eva said. “Went to dinner, I think.”

“You know, none of us would have minded if she came along,” Sana said.

“Of course I know that,” Eva smiled. “I just wanted to have a night out, just us. You know, bus bonding.”

Sana laughed. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw white-blonde hair walking up to her.

“Hi, hi,” Noora was almost out of breath. “Sorry I’m late.”

“We’re still waiting for Chris and Vilde, so it’s no big deal,” Sana said.

“Oh, okay, good,” Noora said.

“And… how have you been?” Eva asked.

Noora pursed her lips. “I can’t be bothered, just ask me.”

“Ask what?”

“About how it’s going with Willhelm.”

Sana and Eva exchanged a look.

“Well, you’re calling him Willhelm again,” Sana said slowly, “So, maybe not too great?”

Noora didn’t say anything for a moment. “He… he’s always been good at twisting things... talking about situations... in a way that makes him look reasonable.”

“Okay,” Eva said hesitantly.

“And that’s one of the things we’ve talked about, how I feel like he’s always trying to convince people why he’s right, even when he’s wrong. That it’s so important for me to see things from his side that he never has space to try to understand mine,” Noora continued.

Sana asked, “And what did he say to that?”

“He didn’t say much of anything.”

“So… is he in your place now? What’s happening?” Eva asked.

“I told him he had to stay somewhere else, and I didn’t want to have sex anymore while we’re talking about things,” Noora said. “And I told him I needed a break with my girls, that I didn’t ask him to come here, and I didn’t care if he thought it was unfair. He can just find something to do by himself for a few hours.”

“Wow,” Sana said.

Noora shrugged. “Yeah. So. We’re… talking. You know. It’s… yeah. Can we change the topic?”

Eva looked like she wanted to protest, but instead just said, “Yes, whatever you want.”

“Hi, hi!” a voice called out to them.

Sana turned her head to see Chris and Vilde running across the street. They both looked flustered. Vilde was already yelling out apologies for being so late. She was blaming it on not being able to find the right jacket to wear and the complete lack of parking spaces around the theater.

“Anyway, how’s Yousef?” Noora asked.

Sana smiled. “He’s good, I think. I messaged him last night.”

“Who?” Chris asked, stepping up onto the sidewalk.

“Yousef,” Eva answered.

“Ah, Yossi!” Vilde smiled. “How is he?”

Sana repeated herself. “He’s good, I think.”

“I can’t believe he called you from his cousin’s phone,” Vilde sighed dreamily. “That’s so sweet.”

Sana couldn’t help the grin on her face; just thinking about it again made her heart flip. “It was great to hear his voice. I… really missed his voice.”

Eva slung an arm over her shoulder and squeezed her tightly; Vilde clutched at her heart and made a small, squealing noise.

“The way you light up when you talk about him is so fucking cute,” Chris said. “Even Mutasim says so.”

Sana felt her mouth drop open, and she turned to Chris with a disbelieving look on her face. Eva, Noora and Vilde looked confused as well, all of them staring at Chris. Chris noticed the gaping looks, and rocked back on her heels, a wicked grin on her face. Sana knew that the other girls didn’t know Mutta’s full name, so were a confused; however, Sana was mostly surprised at how well she pronounced it.

“Mutasim?” Vilde asked, uncertainly.

“That’s Mutta’s actual name,” Sana explained, glancing at Vilde.

Eva grinned. “Ah, Mutasim, huh?”

Noora was clapping excitedly. “Chris!”

“Yes?” Chris said deviously.

“Have you been with him this entire time? Since Even and Isak’s party?” Sana asked, on the brink of bursting with happiness.

“Not the entire time!” Chris said, her smile like the Cheshire Cat’s. “But, you know, it’s been pretty damn close to that.”

Sana tried to tell Chris how happy she was for her, but the only thing that came out was a gargled laugh. Eva spread her arms out, and together, all of the girls enveloped Chris in an excited hug. Sana rested her head on Noora’s. Vilde’s hand was gripping the back of her shirt tightly. She was sure that one of Chris’s legs was right between hers. When they broke apart, none of the girls could stop grinning at one another.

“God, this whole balloon squad, they really got game, don’t they?” Vilde asked, eyes sparkling.

“Some more than others,” Noora said wryly.

“Yeah, and thankfully for me, Mutasim didn’t need a whole Face-” Chris cut herself off when Eva began to cough uncontrollably.

“Eva? Eva, you okay?” Sana asked.

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Eva said. She cleared her throat. “Uhm, Chris, you were saying?”

Chris licked her lips. “Ah, sorry, just that, uhm, you know, it’s a good think I’m more outgoing that Sana is, or Mutasim and I would’ve been dancing around each other for months.”

Sana furrowed her brow. “Am I missing something?”

Chris shook her head quickly. “No, of course not. I’m just teasing you.”

“Yeah,” Vilde said. “We love you and Yousef.”

“I think we’re all glad that you’ve found someone who seems to make you just glow,” Noora said, smiling. “It’s really obvious how happy he makes you.”

“He does,” Sana said, smiling. “He really does.”

 

+++

 

**SAT AUGUST 5, 22:08**

Even: Hi, Sana

Even: I’m sorry for messaging you so late, but I’ve been swamped all day

Sana: It’s no problem!

Sana: I’m still awake

Sana: What’s up?

Sana: Everything okay?

Even: Yes, of course

Even: Everything’s good

Even: Isak and I were actually just talking

Even: And he mentioned he told you I’m in therapy

Sana: Yes

Sana: I hope that’s okay

Sana: I was being nosy and basically pulled it out of him

Even: :)

Even: No, it’s more than fine

Even: And he mentioned you might want to talk to me about my experience?

Sana: Yes, actually

Sana: Yeah

Sana: That would be great

Sana: Only if you don’t mind

Even: Sana, of course :)

Even: I’ll tell you anything you want to know

Even: And if I don’t feel comfortable, I’ll tell you

Even: Deal?

Sana: Okay :)

Sana: Can we meet up and talk in person?

Even: Yes!

Even: We’ll have a day of it, just you and me

Even: Okay?

Sana: Great <3

Sana: But can I ask you first, now

Sana: It’s not about therapy really

Sana: But about Isak?

Even: Shoot

Sana: Were you ever worried that you were falling for him too quickly?

Sana: Like was there a part of you scared by how easy it was to be with him?

Sana: I know I’m assuming a lot

Sana: Sorry

Even: Sanasol

Even: Yes

Even: I was going through a really hard time and in many ways still am

Even: Being with Isak doesn’t mean I’m not scared of opening up or don’t have bad episodes

Even: Most of the time I don’t even feel deserving of his love

Even: But I know that I am, and he reminds me of that everyday

Even: Whether he’s saying it or not

Even: It’s in the care he always puts into me

Even: And yes, big yes

Even: I was scared shitless of falling in love with him

Even: Sometimes I still am

Sana: Really?

Sana: You make it look so easy

Even: :)

Even: Trust me that I still have these insecurities even when it’s going amazingly

Even: Let me ask you something

Even: When you’re with Yousef, do you feel like you can tell him anything? Does he help you be braver? Even in your most insecure moment, even in your darkest place, does the thought of getting to see him help?

Sana: Yes

Sana: You know

Sana: It always felt so complicated with Yousef, except for when we were together

Sana: And all of the things that made it feel complicated were very important

Sana: But in so many ways, without me having to tell him, he was already asking all the right questions and giving me answers that didn’t make it less complicated, but more reachable

Sana: Like we were in it together

Sana: Sorry, does that make sense?

Even: I know telling someone not to worry often doesn’t help, but Sana, I don’t think you really have to worry

Even: It might seem too fast or too much, but how you’re feeling? It’s for a reason

Sana: You sound exactly like my mother

Even: You know what they say about great minds

Even: :)

Even: You’re very, very in love with Yousef, aren’t you?

Sana: <3

 

+++

 

Sana waited for her father by the nurse’s station, smiling at everyone she knew. A few of the physicians stopped to ask her summer was going or to tell her how big she’s gotten. It was embarrassing, but she really didn’t mind.

She loved being in the hospital. All of the potential that it held, for so many people; all of the hope, the ingenuity, and even the sadness. She always thought of hospitals as one of the most complex yet simple places that existed. It was somewhere that science should have full rule, but more often than not, it was faith that brought everything together.

“My sweet daughter,” her father said, walking up to her.

He was in his scrubs, holding a coffee in one hand and a patient’s chart in the other. Sana smiled widely at him, holding up the bag of food that her mother had packed for her to deliver.

“Mama made lunch, and I told her I’d bring it over,” Sana said.

Her father smiled. “You’re too good to an old man.”

“Baba,” Sana laughed.

“I actually don’t have anything scheduled for another half an hour,” her father said. “Do you have time to eat with me, or are you running off on your next adventure?”

Sana pretended to think about it. “Hmm, I don’t know. I have a very busy day planned. But I think I can fit you in.”

Her father clapped his hands together. “Ah, excellent. Let’s eat in the lounge.”

Sana followed him to the lounge, through the twists and turns of the surgical floor. He seemed to know almost everyone who he worked with. Some people he laughed with for a moment, others he just gave a passing nod to. Sana smiled through it all, until they were able to sit down in peace, and eat the food that her mother had prepared.

“So, my love, how have you been?” her father asked. “Your mother said you were studying with Jamilla today?”

Sana nodded her head. “Yeah, we met up earlier. It’s really been helpful, since she’s doing her nursing program.”

“It’s good to see you girls supporting each other. We need more of that,” her father said.

“Yeah,” Sana smiled. “Jamilla is so great.”

“And your friends? The Norwegian girls?” he asked. “How are they? Also studying?”

Sana took a bite, and shook her head. “Not that much, I don’t think. But I’ve also been working with my friend Isak? I had him over, before. I think you’ve met him.”

Her father nodded slowly. “Yes, he seemed like a bright boy.”

“He is, though we get distracted a lot,” Sana said. “YouTube.”

“Ah! Yes. If I had been in school when YouTube was around, I probably wouldn’t have done as well as I did,” her father winked.

“I’m sure you still would’ve been top of your class,” Sana said.

“Just like my daughter,” her father said proudly.

“Baba,” Sana smiled.

“But I hope you’re not doing too much studying, you know. It is summer.”

“I’m not, I promise. I’m… finding a good balance.”

“That’s good,” her father said.

Sana was about to ask him if he had any interesting surgeries recently, when he took a sip of his coffee. Then, casually, he asked her a question.

“And how is Yousef? Your mother says you are in love with him.”

Sana almost choked. Her eyes bulged out as her father began to chuckle, and then calmly continued eating as if he asked her if it was raining when she came into the hospital.

“Baba!”

“What?” he asked innocently.

“You - you can’t just ask me that,” she said.

“Why not?”

“Because,” she said.

“I’m just teasing you, my love,” he said. “It’s one of my great pleasures in life.”

Sana tried not to roll her eyes. “Of course, Baba.”

“And she told me because she is very happy, but she also worries about you. As do I.”

“I know.”

“It… certainly will not be easy, to be with someone who doesn’t share your faith. Especially when you are so young, and have so much growing to do.”

“I know,” she said again.

“I’m not trying to discourage you, but just so you understand where your mother and I might be coming from,” he said.

Sana nodded. “I do understand. And… I think about what you say to me. It matters.”

“We know, Sana. You are so different than Elias and Omar. My quiet, thoughtful girl,” he smiled. “You take so much after your mother.”

“You think so?”

He nodded slowly. “Yes. You know… your mother was already engaged when I met her.”

Sana paused, her fork halfway to her mouth. “What?”

“Yes,” he said. “I had just finished my residency, and we met through a mutual friend. She was engaged to her childhood sweetheart.”

Sana raised her eyebrows. “I didn’t know that.”

“I fell in love with her right away. But your mother, she was more hesitant. She said she had too much to think about, so many complications. In the end, though, she decided to give me a chance. I think she realized that with her fiancé, it was always just a crush. And with me, it was something so much more.”

“I’d love to hear the whole story, sometime,” Sana said.

“And I would love to tell it. But not now, when we’re on a timer before my next surgery. The point I’m making, my love, is that your mother is just trying to look out for you. Maybe Yousef is your love for now,” He smiled. “And maybe he is your soul mate. Either way, I know she worries that you will be hurt. We both want you to find joy and love, but we also want you to be realistic. At least a little bit.”

Sana nodded.

“But, of course, no one knows your heart or your mind better than you,” he said.

“Thank you, Baba.” She smiled at him.

He inclined his head. “That’s what your old man is here for.”

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, as Sana absorbed everything he had said.

“Yousef is a good man,” her father said. “Even if he lies about vodka bottles lying around my house.”

Sana couldn’t do anything but grin.

 

+++

 

 **Subject** : [No Subject]  
**From** : Yousef Acar  
**Sent** : Aug 7, 23:58

sana,,,,,,

Ii just saw that i got another email from you. And im su exicted to read it, but i cant relly focus on anthing right now. So im gona read it later and get bck to you. Im sure its so smart and funny and bautyful just like you.

I think i caught a cold or sotmhing when i was out with my cousns, cause ive felt like shit ever since them. Fever, coughing, sneeze, the whole nine yards. And its just been getting wors and worse.

My gradfathe game me this tea to drink whic i think had drugs or smthin in it cause ive been flling rlly weard since i drank it. He sad just drink a cup but i had the whole pot. Whoops. My grandmoter made that coup, you know, teh one tht I brought for our first date?//? That my mom made>? Wit the arrots? But it hasnt rlly helped, i still feel like shit. I wish you were here.e ven if you cant make the soup beause youre bad at peeling carots, youd make me feel so much better. I just know it.

Becuz I love you, so mcuh. So fucking much, sometimes it hurts to breathe. it s weird to not belevie in god but to be in the presence of someoen like you. to love you the way taht i love you, sometimes i jsut think, thre must be somethign greater. Something that brught me to you.

You remnd me of all of those rumi peoms. Which mayb you think is sacrafeligous cause those poems are all spposed to be about his love for Allah. But i read them and i cant stop picturing you. Your beutiful smile and your laugh and that mean look you five me thts not so mean at all. Bcuase i know youre in love me too. I wnna read rumi’s poetry to you, one day. I;ll read it to you in turkish. Even thou you cant understan it. Its so fcking beuatiful.

When i think about you, its in turkish. Becaue to me thats the most beautiful mangauge in the world. Its the langugae i dream in. the language of you.

Anywy. I shld go to sleep now. But i mis you so much and i want to har your vioce. And i had to tll you gow much i love you. I kno im not suposed to say this yet. But i cnt wait to propse to yo. To marry you. To make love to you. I thnk abut it. Taking my time, making you feel so gooood nd worshipin you.

Becaue theeres never been anyone else, sana. Just you., my soulmate. Soon. soon ill be home. I cant wait to have you in my arms again.

I love you.

\- Y

 

+++

 

Sana sat down at the kitchen table, her phone in her hand, and said good morning to her parents. Her mother was making a pot of tea, and her father was reading the newspaper. Elias stumbled in a moment afterwards, still looking half asleep. Sana raised her eyebrows at him, and then refreshed her email. She smiled when she saw a message from Yousef.

“Make sure you tell my best friend I said hi,” Elias smirked.

He dropped down into the seat across from Sana. She looked up for a moment just to shoot him a dirty look. He grinned back at her, and she knew he wasn’t taking her seriously at all. She stuck her tongue out at him.

“How is Yousef doing?” her mother asked casually.

Sana smiled. “He’s fine, I think.”

Her mother hummed agreeably, then turned up the music on the kitchen radio. It was an old Moroccan song, and her father began to sing it under his breath. Sana clicked open Yousef’s email. She was surprised for a moment, noticing that it had been sent at almost midnight.

Her frown deepened when she could barely understand the first line of his email. Then her gaze softened, and she tried not to laugh. She snorted as she read about his grandfather giving him medicine.

“What’s up?” Elias asked.

“Yousef, I think, has got a really bad cold, or something,” she explained, looking up. “His grandfather must’ve given him something powerful for it, because most of this looks like gibberish.”

Her father laughed. “You know, I don’t drink. But one time, an old friend, made me this tea. It must have had lemon, honey, one drop of water, and the rest of it was hot whiskey.”

Sana laughed, eyes twinkling, then looked back down at her email. “Yeah, Elias, you have to see this because-”

I love you

Suddenly, Sana’s mouth went dry, and she completely lost her train of thought. She could feel her heart pounding so hard that she was surprised her family couldn’t hear it. Vaguely, she heard Elias ask her a question, but she could only focus on the words in front of her. Her jaw slackened, and she could feel her face heating up.

They had never said ‘I love you’ to each other before. They had never talked about marriage, not really, besides teasing each other and dancing around it. And never had they talked about sex - about making love. But here it was, proof in her hands. As incoherent as it was, this was… Yousef loved her and he wanted her and he wanted to fucking marry her. He called her his soulmate.

Elias snapped his fingers right in front of Sana’s face. Her phone dropped from her grasp.

“Elias!” her mother said, disapprovingly. “Don’t put your hands in your sister’s face.”

“Sana?” her father sounded concerned. “Sana are you alright?”

Sana looked up at her father. He was staring at her like she had grown another head. She could feel Elias’s gaze on her. Even her mother had turned around to stare. She pressed her hands against the table, trying to stop them from shaking.

“Huh?” she asked.

“That must be one interesting email,” her mother said, spatula in hand.

Sana practically shouted, “No!”

Her mother and father glanced at each other. Elias looked like he wanted to burst into laughter. Sana took a deep breath, trying to steady her pulse. Was it possible to have a heart attack from someone emailing that they wanted to worship your body?

“Sorry, Mama,” Sana said. “No, I mean, it’s just an email. Sorry. Huh. I spaced because I just remembered, I’m supposed to meet the girls today, you know. And it was my turn to, um, bring snacks for everyone. But I completely forgot.”

Her mother smiled. “Sana, that’s all?”

“My love, it’s the summer, it’s a time to relax,” her father said. “I’m sure your friends won’t mind if you forget to bring food.”

“You’re right, of course,” Sana said.

Elias was still staring at her. Sana chose to ignore him. She left her phone on the table, too exhilarated and frightened to pick it up again. The pads of her fingers tripped over the case, as she smiled at her family and tried to figure out what the fuck she could even respond to this.

 

+++

 

**TUE AUGUST 8, 14:02**

Elias: Hey.

Elias: Sorry to bother you

Noora: Hi, you’re not bothering me at all.

Elias: Yeah, okay. Sure.

Elias: Have you heard from Sana recently?

Noora: Woah okay. What does that mean, “Yeah, okay. Sure.”?

Noora: And not really. I saw on Friday night, and we’re supposed to hang out today. Why? Is she okay?

Elias: It doesn’t mean anything

Elias: Nevermind.

Elias: She got a message from Yousef this morning

Elias: And I think it really freaked her out

Elias: I just wanted to check in with you

Elias: In case she said anything

Noora: No, she hasn’t messaged me, but I’ll keep you updated.

Noora: Also what does that even mean, that it doesn’t mean anything. If it didn’t mean anything, why would you bother typing it?

Elias: Thanks for keeping me in the loop

Elias: And seriously nevermind about the other thing

Noora: I literally don’t understand you, like, at all.

Noora: Elias.

Noora: Elias?

Noora: ????

 

+++

 

Sana was still shaken up when she met the girls at Eva’s house. She lay on Eva’s bed, turning her phone in circles around and around in her hands, unsure of what to do with herself. She hadn’t answered the email yet; she had no idea what to say, and she hadn’t heard anything back from Yousef. She didn’t even know if he was still sleeping or still high as a kite or what was even happening.

Eva was painting her toenails on the floor, while Vilde was French braiding Chris’s hair. Noora was on the bed next to Sana. They were both laying on their stomachs, supposed to be watching some trashy American teen show on Eva’s laptop. Noora kept shooting Sana concerned looks, but then would just shake her head quickly whenever Sana looked back over at her.

Finally, Sana snapped. “Noora? What’s with you?”

Noora’s eyes widened. “What? Nothing!”

“I can’t be bothered, Noora,” Sana said. “Spit it out already!”

Noora pursed her lips. “Me spit it out already? You gonna tell us what happened with Yousef this morning or what?”

In the corner of her eyes, Sana saw Vilde slowly stop braiding Chris’s hair. Chris was staring at the two of them. Eva had just painted over her big toenail and onto the floor. Sana pushed herself upright, staring back down at Noora.

She cocked her head. “How did you know something happened this morning?”

Noora said, “Why are you avoiding the question?‘

“Have you been talking to Elias?”

“What happened with you and Yousef?”

“Why are you talking to Elias about me?”

“Why are you avoiding talking about Yousef?”

“Are you a thing now, or something?”

“Are you not a thing anymore?”

“Seriously, there’s something up with you and Elias, does everyone but me know what is happening?”

“Seriously, there’s something with you and Yousef, what’s up?”

“Noora!”

“Sana!”

“Why does it feel like we’re arguing?”

“I don’t know!”

Sana and Noora glared at each other for a moment, before Noora’s face cracked into a smile. Sana started laughing at the absurdity of the conversation. Soon, Noora joined in. Eva, Vilde and Chris kept staring at them from their spots on the floor as if they had finally lost their damn minds. Vilde’s lips were parted almost in horror, and Chris’s eyebrows had damn near disappeared into her hairline.

“What is the matter with the two of you?” Eva asked, bewildered.

“Yousef said he loves me and he wants to marry me and he can’t wait to make love,” Sana said.

At the same time, Noora blurted out, “I officially broke up with William and part of it has to do with Elias.”

Eva knocked over her nail polish.

“Yousef told you he wants to fuck?” Chris screeched. “Yousef! My boy! Oh my God!”

Sana’s mouth dropped open. “You… like my brother?”

“You broke up with Willhelm?” Vilde’s eyes were wide with disbelief.

“Yousef told you he’s in love with you over an email?” Noora asked.

The girls all stared at each other. Sana wondered if everyone had stopped breathing, if this was one of those moments in time where literally everything stopped.

“He didn’t say fuck, he said ‘make love,’” Sana finally said.

Eva’s eyes were wide. “We… wow. Okay. Let’s deal with one of these things at a time.”

“Agreed,” Vilde said.

Eva held her hand out. “Sana, give me your phone. I need to see this message.”

Sana put in her passcode, and scrolled through her email. When she found Yousef’s message, her entire body heated up. She passed the phone over, warning that it might be unreadable.

“I think he was drunk or something,” Sana said.

Vilde frowned. “I thought he didn’t drink.”

“He doesn’t,” Sana told her. “He-”

“Okay, okay, shut up,” Eva said.

She held her hand up and shot Sana a dirty look. Sana rolled her eyes back. Eva cleared her throat and brought the phone up towards her face, beginning to read out loud. Sana felt her heartbeat race with every word that Eva said, and bit down at her lip as she gauged her friends’ reactions. Noora was staring at Eva with her mouth half-open. Vilde had completely abandoned Chris’s braid, and Chris just looked completely shocked. Vilde made small noises every few seconds, blinking rapidly as the reading went on. Eva seemed to be pulling the phone closer and closer to her face as she read, as if she wasn’t seeing the words properly and needed a close-up confirmation of what was going on.

Once she was finished, she slowly put Sana’s phone down onto the floor, just barely missing the nail polish spill.

Vilde was the first to speak. “Wow. He… he really, really, really fucking loves you.”

“He’s like, mega in love with you,” Chris said.

“He thinks you’re soul mates!” Noora practically shouted.

Sana knew her face was flushed. “I… I’m in love with him too.”

“Oh God!” Vilde practically threw herself on the ground.

Eva said, “Holy shit, this is cuter that Chris going around calling Mutta by his whole name-”

“What did you say back?” Chris asked.

“I… haven’t said anything, yet,” Sana said.

“Why not!” Vilde squeaked.

“I...” Sana took a breath. “There’s so much I want to say back to him, but I… I can’t do it over an email. And I don’t know how to tell him that without completely freaking him out thinking I hate him, or something. I can’t… the first time I tell him I love him can’t be over an email.”

“Oh, Sana!”

“I… Also… well. Eva, you read it. Just look at it. Does that seem like the words of someone who was coherent at all when he was typing? I… I don’t even know if he meant half of what he wrote or he was just so completely zonked out-”

“Don’t do that, Sana,” Noora said. “Look, he might’ve been drunk or high or something, but those are the words of a man who knows what he wants and-”

Sana shook her head. “It’s just, it’s complicated right now. I… there’s so much I want to talk to him about, but I just can’t right now. Not over an email.”

There was a pause.

“Maybe he’ll call you again?” Vilde said.

“Yeah, that way, you can talk it out?” Eva said.

“Yeah, maybe,” Sana said.

“Or...” Chris was squinting at Sana.

“Or what, Chris?” Noora asked.

“Or… you could talk to him in person....” Chris said.

Vilde shook her head. “He won’t be back until the end of August. They can’t just, not talk about it for almost a month-”

“What if they didn’t have to wait a month?” Chris began to grin. “What if it was just in a couple of days?”

“Eh?” Sana furrowed her brow. “Chris, what are you-”

“Road trip!” Vilde yelled.

A wide grin spread across Eva’s face, and she began to nod rapidly. Beside her, Noora gasped, and then pushed herself into a sitting position. She grabbed the laptop, and pulled it onto her lap, immediately typing. Sana began to shake her head no, looking at her friends in bewilderment. Vilde grabbed her phone and brought it up towards her, thumbs flying over the screen.

“No, no, no, no, no,” Sana said.

“Oh yes,” Chris clapped.

“It would take us less than two days to get there, if we plan our stops accordingly,” Noora said.

“We can’t just drop everything and drive to Turkey!” Sana said desperately.

Chris asked, “Why not?”

“I- well,” Sana faltered.

She knew that there were a number of reasons why this was an incredibly crazy idea. One, Turkey was another country, thousands of miles away. Two, it would be outlandish to simply drop everything, pile up in Los Losers, and drive to said country. Three, weren’t there permits or visas or something that they needed in order to even leave Norway? Sana was pretty sure that was a thing. Four-

“Sana, for once, stop thinking, and just answer me,” Eva said.

“Do you love Yousef?”

“I - yes, I just said that-”

“And do you want to actually tell him that, in person?”

“Well, yes, but-”

“And did he, or did he not, just send the most fucking romantic and incomprehensible email known to man?”

Sana grinned. “Yes, yes, okay, yes.”

“Then there’s only one thing to do now,” Eva said.

“Road trip!” Vilde yelled again.

All of the girls paused, staring at Sana for confirmation. Her heart was beating rapidly in her chest. All she could think about was the idea of seeing Yousef again, in person. Holding him, kissing him, staring at his gorgeous mouth and into his beautiful eyes. Telling him how much she loved him and how scared she was but how she didn’t care, that she believed in them and she couldn’t wait to see where they were headed.

“Road trip!” she yelled.

“Fuck yeah!” Chris cheered.

“Okay, I will plan all the details,” Vilde said. “Chris, first, you work out everything with Los Losers. Make sure she’s running smoothly and we’re going to be able to go.”

“Got it, no problem,” Chris said.

“Noora and Eva, can you map out our route, and look for some places to stay, just in case Yousef’s place doesn’t have enough space?”

“Got it,” Noora said as Eva nodded.

“He’s staying with his grandparents,” Sana said. “And - oh. No. I don’t even know where.”

“That’s fine, I’ll get it from the guys,” Vilde said, and then paused. “Oh.”

“Oh?” Sana asked.

Vilde bit her lip. “The guys. There’s no way they’re gonna miss this.”

“Oh yeah,” Chris grinned.

“Oh no,” Sana said. “No, no, no, no-”

“We can’t not invite the balloon squad,” Eva said.

Noora glared. “Wait, no, I’m with Sana, they can’t come with us-”

“Too late, I already posted in the Facebook group,” Vilde said. “The guys will see it any minute now.”

“Vilde, no!” Eva hissed.

Sana was about to protest again, but then paused. Because three chimes went off on three different phones in the room at the same time. She pursed her lips as Noora quickly tried to silence her phone, Chris tried to pretend she didn’t hear anything, and Eva just coughed. Sana didn’t know whose guilty face to laugh at first.

“So,” Sana started to say.

“Oops?” Vilde said.

“Oops?” Sana repeated.

“It’s actually a really funny story,” Eva said slowly.

“A really long, funny story,” Noora added.

“Well then,” Sana smiled, “It’s a good thing we have such a long drive ahead of us.”

 

+++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Just in case this wasn’t clear, here’s the deal with Khadijah and Omar. Khadijah is an original character; she’s Jamilla’s sister and has been dating Eva (the same sister that Elias told Eva about in “Oh I Think that I Found Myself a Cheerleader”). Omar is Sana and Elias’s absentee brother, who is engaged to Jamilla. I don't think they've ever said his name on the show, so I just made one up and why he’s never around. Apologies if I missed that detail, lmk and I'll edit! 
> 
> 2) The hilarious Pikachu dancing video: https://twitter.com/paul_haine/status/860533604975349760 (seriously I laughed for two hours and played this on repeat)
> 
> 2) Samra Habib is a real person, and if you wanted to learn more about her work, you can find one of her projects “Just Me and Allah: A Queer Muslim Photo Project” at queermuslimproject.tumblr.com!
> 
> 4) “Translation” of Yousef’s last email to Sana:
> 
> Sana,
> 
> I just saw that I got another email from you. And I'm so excited to read it, but I can’t really focus on anything right now. So I’m gonna read it later and get back to you. I’m sure it’s so smart and funny and beautiful just like you.
> 
> I think I caught a cold or something when I was out with my cousins, because I’ve felt like shit ever since then. Fever, coughing, sneezing, the whole nine yards. And it’s just been getting worse and worse. 
> 
> My grandfather gave me this tea to drink, which I think had drugs or something in it because I've been feeling really weird since I drank it. He said just drink a cup but I had the whole pot. Whoops. My grandmother made that soup, you know, the one that I brought for our first date? That my mom made? With the carrots? But it hasn’t really helped, I still feel like shit. I wish you were here, even if you can’t make the soup because you’re bad at peeling carrots, you’d make me feel so much better. I just know it. 
> 
> Because I love you, so much. So fucking much, sometimes it hurts to breathe. It’s weird to not believe in God but to be in the presence of someone like you. To love you the way that I love you, sometimes I just think, there must be something greater. Something that brought me to you. 
> 
> You remind me of all of those Rumi poems. Which maybe you think is sacrilegious because those poems are all supposed to be about his love for Allah. But I read them and I can’t stop picturing you. Your beautiful smile and your laugh and that mean look you give me that’s not so mean at all. Because I know you’re in love me too. I wanna read Rumi’s poetry to you, one day. I’ll read it to you in Turkish. Even though you can’t understand it. It’s so fucking beautiful. 
> 
> When I think about you, it’s in Turkish. Because to me that’s the most beautiful language in the world. It’s the language I dream in. The language of you. 
> 
> Anyway. I should go to sleep now. But I miss you so much and I want to hear your voice. And I had to tell you how much I love you. I know I’m not supposed to say this yet. But I can’t wait to propose to you. To marry you. To make love to you. I think about it. Taking my time, making you feel so good and worshiping you. 
> 
> Because there’s never been anyone else, Sana. Just you, my soul mate. Soon. Soon I’ll be home. I can’t wait to have you in my arms again.
> 
> I love you.
> 
> \- Y


	2. Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ROAD TRIP BBIES!
> 
> Thank you all so much for commenting on chapter one, I was so overwhelmed again that I had too many feelings and wrote too much. So I know I promised two chapters, but... here's three ;) 
> 
> I wanted to do something out of my comfort zone, so the POV here will be alternating between Sana and Yousef. Let me know what you think! 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this and that my love and care for these precious characters shone through! Again, please let me know if anything is off culturally or religiously, and I will work on it.
> 
> One thing I will ask of you all is to suspend your disbelief over some things, such as: the work and time it takes to actually plan a road trip, how long and how tiring said road trip might actually be, and the amount of languages these characters might or might not speak. 
> 
> SHOUT OUT: I owe a thousand thanks to @Artemis_huntress for offering to do translation for me. I decided to mostly keep it in English, but they graciously translated some things into Turkish for me. I am forever grateful! <3
> 
> IMPORTANT Edit: Hope this isn't too spoilery, but a few people have commented about Yousana kissing, which I so, so appreciate! There are a couple of scenes where they do make out, just so people know. Some of you have mentioned that for Muslims, it's forbidden to kiss before marriage, but depending on the person they might choose to. Thank you for pointing that out, that is so important!! I didn't make the choice to have them kiss lightly and I hope that came off. I tried to do those scenes as realistically and respectfully as possible while playing with the boundaries of their relationship and choices around consent and being intimate. Please let me know if/how I can write scenes like those better in the future. Seriously my heart is so full and I appreciate your critiques and comments so much!

+++

 

Sana’s mother perched on the edge of her bed, a slight smile on her face. Sana was running around her room, trying to decide what to pack. She had her phone in one hand, a weather app open, so she could see how warm it would be in Turkey; she was clutching a black scarf in the other.

“You know I trust you, Sana,” her mother was saying, “But this trip-”

“You were okay with me doing Russ, and this is much safer. Elias and his friends will be with us,” Sana pointed out.

Her mother pursed her lips. “Sana, it’s you, four Norwegian girls, and four Muslim men driving across country borders. That is not much safer.”

Sana’s anxiety was through the roof, and she had to stop herself from snapping at her mother. She took a deep breath, trying to remind herself that just because her emotions were all over the place, didn’t mean she could take them out on her mother. Because, honestly, her mother was not only being completely fair and truthful, but totally cool with this entire thing.

After getting home from Eva’s, Sana was completely prepared to plot out a detailed, comprehensive argument of why this plan to drop everything and drive to Turkey wasn’t completely insane. Even as her hands shook and she was breaking out in a cold sweat, she tried her best to come up with some reason that didn’t expose Yousef’s beautiful email and her own intense need. Because as caring and open as her parents were, she couldn’t imagine them being okay with her going, yeah so that guy who I told you I’m in love with? He’s in love with me too and explicitly told me how badly he wants me.

But when she had returned home, all of her worrying had been for nothing; which, of course, just made her more anxious. Elias had already spoken with their parents and convinced them to say yes to this impromptu trip. Sana had only heard the tail end of it, but it seemed that her brother had really turned up the charm. Usually, her parents didn’t fall for it, but this time around, they seemed more than willing -

_The boys and I had been planning a trip to surprise Yousef, anyway. And we figured, why not have Sana and her friends come along?_

_...Sana has had a tough year…_

_Right, and you said yourself, Pops, that she really needs to enjoy her summer and relax. You know, she’s been doing so much studying…_

_...That is true, however, this is a big trip, and you’re trying to leave in a day or two? Elias…_

_You know Sana is the most respectful, responsible person out there. And with her doing russ next year, I think it’s important for her and the girls to have at least one experience before then, so they can get a feel for the road and really understand the responsibilities of doing something like that._

_I really don’t know about this…_

_Mama, I swear to you, the boys and I will take care of them. And all of her friends’ parents have said yes already. I would just hate for Sana to miss out on something like this. She’s a good girl and we all need to show her that we trust and respect her choices._

_… You know, love, it would be nice to have the house to ourselves for a few days…_

_...And Sana really does deserve a nice vacation…_

Her parents had whispered amongst themselves for a few moments and then agreed without her even stepping into the room. It was honestly unbelievable, like something out of a young adult drama television show - teenaged girl drives long-distance to be with the boy she loves! Nervous laughter had bubbled up inside of her and she had to bite down on her hand to keep from letting it all out.

Sana had barely been able to breathe since then. All of her previous excitement was rapidly deflating as intense feelings of confusion, anxiousness and fear pushed their way to the surface. Her emotions were changing too quickly and so intensely that she felt like her skin was becoming too tight around her body. Because really, what the hell was she even doing? Driving almost two days to tell Yousef - who wasn’t even officially her boyfriend, now that she thought about it - that she saw his drunken, rambling letter and she felt the same way?

Her fist involuntarily clenched around her phone. She barely noticed her mother still staring at her.

“I’m not going to stop you,” her mother said softly. “But I am worried. This trip - doing something like this is so unlike you. You’re a planner, and everything is happening in a whirlwind. Sana, I just want to make sure you’ve had a chance to think about this.”

“You don’t think I should go?”

Sana didn’t know why she asked that. Maybe it was because she knew how risky all of this was. And her mother was right, she was a planner. She was an over-thinker. She had been hurt too many times to be someone who just threw caution to the wind and just do what felt exciting in the moment. Because she had been there, through the aftermath, when she just acted on her emotions. And right now, she maybe needed - wanted? - Someone to tell her how unreasonable she was being right now.

How many times in the past year had her own emotions gotten her into trouble? When she just allowed her anger, fear, and drive to consume her, as if it was the only thing that mattered? Like with the bus, declaring she could just get 300,000k like it was nothing. Or taking all of those conversations from Isak’s Facebook, which she damn near not only lost her friends over, but could have ruined her entire future by getting kicked out of school?

She bit her lip, and wondered if she was just being too difficult on herself. If this, in her anxiety, was one of those moments where her fear was overshadowing everything else. Because what about all those moments when she acted on her emotions, and worked through them in a positive way? When she was brave enough to tell Noora how she felt, or to let Isak and Jamilla in, or to step up to Yousef, all those weeks ago on the basketball court?

Her mother was smiling now, something soft and gentle. “That’s not what I’m saying. I just want to make sure you want to do this, and it’s not just something Elias or your friends are pushing you to do.”

All of this was reminding her of another conversation with Yousef, walking in the summer heat, Elias and Jamilla a few feet ahead of them. When they laughed and discussed whether one should keep everything inside, or blurt it all out like his kindergarteners.

Sana liked who she was, and was growing to find herself more and more each day. Praying was a way that always kept her centered. Her relationship with Allah, in all of its shifting forms, doubts, and hopes, reminded her of the important things in life. And recently, opening up to her friends and her family had been a way to bring her peace as well.

She was, she knew, a private person at heart. But as she was slowly learning, that didn’t have to mean isolating herself. It could mean putting faith in her own feelings; trusting her heart and mind to be in open dialogue rather than seeing them as binary opponents. What she really needed was to focus on how to trust herself; more than that, how to be honest and breathe and be kind to herself.

Her nerves were still ruffled, and all of her feelings were swimming dangerously to the surface. Was this a crazy plan? Yes. Was she scared, almost out of her mind? Yes. Did she definitely want to do this?

Yes.

Sana turned to her mother and smiled. Her mother, who was waiting patiently. Her mother, who rarely said what she wanted to hear, but who always backed her up.

“I do want to go,” Sana said, finally. “But… before I do, can we pray together?”

Her mother smiled at her. “Yes, of course.”

 

+++

 

Yousef felt like he could barely move without the world tilting on its axis.

Every time he turned his head, his skull pounded. Black spots and multicolored webs spun beneath his eyelids. His throat was dry and swollen. His bed sheets were tangled around his legs, everything damp and musty with day-old sweat.

He was fucking miserable.

“Yousef, here, take some more tea,” he thought he heard his grandfather say.

Yousef groaned and struggled to sit up. He felt cool porcelain against his dry lips; a contrast to the hot and bitter liquid splashing into his mouth.

“Dede,” he croaked, “This is gross.”

It also made his head cloudy. His tongue felt too thick in his mouth, and he could barely keep his eyes open.

“Just one more day, and I promise it’ll be all better soon,” his grandfather told him.

Yousef tried to tell him, “That’s what you said yesterday,” but he could barely understand the words dripping out of his mouth.

His grandfather laughed. “Don’t worry, Yousef. You’ll be up and out of bed in no time. And then you can send another letter to your Sana.”

Yousef grinned, just hearing his grandfather say her name. Sana. He giggled, falling back down onto the bed. Yousef was already halfway asleep. He thought of hands barely touching, soft skin gently whispering against the backs of his hands. He imagined deep-set dimples and an unrestrained laugh, dark eyes sparkling and tracking his every movement.

“I need to tell her I love her,” he slurred.

Why hasn’t he told her before? He should have done it the evening of their last date. No, he should have done it the first time they met!

Yeah.

In his groggy state, he can still conjure up that first image of her.

During their first week at Bakka, Elias has invited him and Even over to shoot some hoops in the backyard. Yousef had been so excited. He has known Even from middle school, and had clicked with Elias right away. It was so cool, he had thought, to make friends so fast. Elias was funny and witty and sharp, confident and sly; Yousef had always been more of a shy kid, so it was fun to be around someone like Elias.

He had just been playing around with Elias and Even, when out of the corner of his eye, he had first seen her standing off to the side, hands on her hips -

_Elias, Mama wants to know if your friends are staying for dinner._

Elias had nodded without asking him or Even, like it was just a fact that they’d be starving and didn’t have any other plans. Even had smiled tentatively at her, introducing himself. Yousef had been too startled by the bored, almost hostile look on her face to say anything. Elias had grinned -

_Sana, these are the guys. Even, Yousef, this is my kid sister, Sana. You think I’m great at basketball? She’s amazing._

Sana had just looked at them critically -

_They must not be very good themselves if they think you’re great._

And Yousef and Even had almost fallen over laughing. But instead of getting petty, Elias had just grinned and ribbed Sana back, before inviting her to a two-on-two game. He and Even had lost astronomically, mostly because Sana was so good at stealing the ball and always seemed to be open whenever Elias tossed it to her.

The entire time, her face was set in an intense, determined glare, until Even had announced she and Elias had beaten them to a pulp. Then, the cutest, biggest smile stretched across her face, and damn, if those dimples weren’t the most adorable thing Yousef had ever seen.

“Have you ever seen anything more amazing?” Yousef asked now, almost unable to keep his eyes open.

“Oh, my boy,” his grandfather laughed. “Sleep now.”

 

+++

 

Sana stood on the curb with Elias, waiting on Los Losers to pull up. Chris had already texted a bunch of times, detailing where exactly she was on her pick-up route. Most of the messages were selfies of her and whomever she had just gotten; a few were random emojis, like she just key smashed in excitement; and the last was an actual text -

_Five minutes away!_

After Sana and Elias were picked up, it would just be a short drive to Adam’s, and then they would officially be on their way.

The butterflies in Sana’s stomach were acting up already, and she took a shaky swig of water, trying to calm herself. She kept scolding herself, reminding herself that they wouldn’t even arrive until sometime on Friday. But it didn’t help; she was too anxious and excited.

Though it helped that her friends had taken complete control over the planning. Chris had everything all set with the van, Vilde had coordinated with the guys, and Eva and Noora had made certain all of the rest stops, gas stations, and potential hostels to stay in were all mapped out. Eva had even sent one text that almost sent Sana over the edge in tears -

_So we Googled the call to prayer times and plotted out a lot of places that looked quiet and out-of-the way that we can stop so you can pray. Should we send coordinates now so you can check them out?_

\- Because she was completely overwhelmed by it.

“You excited for the trip?” Elias said, smiling over at her.

Sana peered at him. “Yah.”

He frowned. “That’s not a lot of enthusiasm.”

“I’m nervous, too,” she admitted.

“Nervous? Why?”

She hesitated. She hadn’t actually seen the message that Vilde had sent to the mysterious group chat, but Noora had told her that it was pretty vague. Just that the girls had an exciting idea to road trip to Turkey, and they wanted the guys to come along. It would be a fun time and great surprise for Yousef, is what Vilde had stressed.

So it wasn’t that she didn’t want to tell Elias the truth about the email. But she wondered if it wouldn’t be weird, especially considering that he and Yousef were best friends. Sana was still struggling to decide how much she should - have? - To tell him. It made her realize that she was really going to have to figure out what her boundaries were when it came to Elias and Yousef. It wasn’t a bad thing, but it was just another way this relationship would be complicated.

She decided to go with a half-truth, and not mention the email at all.

“Uhrm, I… I think I’m going to tell Yousef I’m in love with him, when we get there,” she said, side-eyeing her brother. “You know. For the first time.”

Elias looked surprised for a moment, and then started laughing. “Sana, seriously?”

She scowled. “Why are you laughing?”

“First of all, I can’t believe you two haven’t said it already,” he said. “Second of all, why, out of everything in this world, why would that make you nervous?”

“Not all of us just throw ‘I love you’ around to every cute girl that slides into our DMs, Elias,” Sana said, growing slightly annoyed and embarrassed.

“Sorry, sorry, chill,” Elias said, not sounding apologetic at all. He took a swig of water.

Sana raised an eyebrow. “You know what else, I’m also nervous because I’m getting into a van full of people who all apparently have a group chat that I was never added to.”

Elias choked, spitting out his drink. Sana watched, unimpressed and a little gleeful, and water dripped down his chin and onto his t-shirt. She smirked as he sputtered.

“The girls would only tell me that it was your idea, by the way,” Sana said. “And you know… that hurt, especially considering this isn’t the first time this year I’ve been purposefully excluded on Facebook.”

“Sana - okay, hold on - it - well, uhm-” she looked, fascinated, as her normally cool, calm, and collected brother began to blush, waving his hands around.

Sana rolled her eyes. “That’s the best you can do?”

Elias blurted out, “Yousef wasn’t added to the group chat either.”

Sana nodded. “Hmm. Well, then why don’t you come up with whatever story you’re going to tell on our very long drive, and then you can tell me and Yousef what’s up when we get to Turkey, huh?”

She wasn’t really upset about it, mostly confused and surprised. She also felt vindicated. Because after weeks of having no idea what was going on with her friends, but being supremely suspicious, she finally had proof. And she while she was eager to hear the whole story, being able to mess with her brother like this would be so, so much fun. She rarely saw him get flustered over anything, and here was a chance to finally get him back for all of the sly comments and awkward situations he seemed to thrive off of throwing at her.

“You’re really gonna milk this, aren’t you,” he cut his eyes at her.

Sana shrugged delicately, a huge grin on her face. She was going to continue teasing him, but then she heard three short honks, and glanced down the street. Los Losers was pulling up, all of the windows down and music blasting from the van. From her spot, Sana could see Mutta hanging halfway out of the front seat’s window, and Noora and Vilde cheering from the backseat. Vilde had her arm stuck all the way out, waving what looked like the Turkish flag.

“Ride’s here,” Sana sang out.

She could practically feel the adrenaline pumping through her, and her excitement shot through her entire body.

 

+++

 

Yousef was gonna have a good day.

He finally felt well enough to get out of bed without stumbling into the wall. His throat was a little dry, but his vision wasn’t swimming anymore. He hadn’t sneezed in the past three hours and even had the energy to open the window and change the sheets on his bed. He practically guzzled down a gallon of water and could actually taste the spices in the leftover soup he devoured. He finally showered, scrubbing away all the dry sweat from his skin and dunking his head under the water to wash his hair.

Yeah.

It was gonna be a good day.

After he got dressed in a pair of basketball shorts and a soft t-shirt, he bounced down the stairs and into the living room. His grandmother was standing in the entryway of the front door, talking on the house phone. The cord ran over the doorway and back into the living room. She smiled at him, and he kissed her cheek before stepping past her. It was warm outside, and he took a deep breath, loving the feel of the warm, fresh air. He could finally smell the flowers again without practically hacking up a lung.

“Günaydın,” Yousef said, taking care not to disturb his grandmother too much.

She spoke into the phone in Turkish, telling the person on the line goodbye.

“How are you today?” she asked, reaching a hand out to feel his forehead.

“Better.”

She gave him a skeptical look. “You should still be in bed.”

“I’m fine, promise,” he said. “Where’s Dede?”

“He went into town to buy groceries,” she told him.

Yousef frowned. “He should’ve gotten me, I can carry for him-”

His grandmother scowled. “You could barely carry yourself a few days ago. You need rest.”

“No, I can-”

“You can take care of yourself,” she said. “Also, your grandfather is a grown man who can handle carrying one bag of food.”

Yousef was about to protest again when she winked, and told him to relax.

“If you spoil him now, I’ll have to hear him whine all fall when you’re gone,” she added.

Yousef smiled back at her, and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Okay, Nene,” he said.

She waved to a neighbor and asked Yousef to hang up the phone for her. He did, wandering back into the house.

He didn’t want to admit him, but just walking around that little bit still had him winded. He meandered over to the ancient computer, and sat in the chair. As he waited for it to boot up, he watched his grandmother and the neighbor who had come over. They were smiling and laughing together. Yousef pulled out his cell and took a photo.

After the computer turned on, and he hummed along to the sound of the dial-up, he went to check his email. There was nothing new from Sana, which made him slump just a bit. He missed her so much, and it always brightened his day when he saw her name in his inbox. But there was a message from Even, which made him grin.

He moved the old mouse to click on the new message. The cursor stuttered for a moment and jumped. He sighed, accidently clicking onto his sent messages folder. He moved the mouse back and forth, waiting for it to realign with where he wanted to go, when his eyes caught on the last message he sent. It was to Sana, with no subject, sent almost at midnight during the height of his fever.

He froze for a moment.

What. The. Fuck.

He wracked his brain, trying to remember writing anything to her at all. But all that was coming to him were bits and pieces of sickness. Rolling around in damp, sticky sheets; his grandmother’s rough palm pressed into his forehead; barely sitting up enough to drink the tea that his grandfather-

Oh.

Oh, no.

Yousef tried to tell himself to remain calm.

His grandfather’s tea was legendary in his family. No one knew exactly what was in it, but it was good for three things. One, for tasting absolutely disgusting, like the way gasoline mixed with pure rubbing alcohol might smell. Two, for kicking your immune system into high gear, probably by killing everything in your body. And three, for making you practically black out and do wild shit that you wouldn’t even really consider while sober.

Inadvertently, he remembered the last time his cousin Jamal got sick. Yousef had been on the receiving end of almost forty frantic text messages, a voicemail, and three dick picks. Jamal had drunk half a pot of their grandfather’s tea and then had, in a fit of desperation, tried to contact his ex-girlfriend, Yasmin. Thankfully for him, he had clicked on the wrong name in his contacts list. Horribly for Yousef, the image of his cousin’s penis was forever ingrained in his brain.

Oh shit.

Yousef didn’t believe in Allah, but he couldn’t stop himself from mumbling a quick prayer of thanks that he wasn’t able to send Sana any pictures. But that didn’t mean that whatever he had said wasn’t twice as bad.

He felt himself slide down in his seat, panic and shame slowly washing over him.

He really didn’t want to click on this email. Because as long as he didn’t read it, it didn’t exist, right?

He clicked the email.

He slowly breathed in through his mouth, and tried to release it through his nose. His heartbeat was going so fast he could feel it throbbing throughout his entire body. He tried to get his eyes to focus on the first line of text, but could barely read it. At first, he thought his nerves were fucking with his eyesight; but then he realized that he literally just wrote something practically unintelligible.

He ran his hand over his hair, cursing at himself.

Okay.

He could do this.

The first paragraph… this was corny. But not too bad. The second and third paragraphs, okay. His sickened self was just as bad at flirting as his regular self, so that wasn’t too bad. Maybe Sana had just laughed at his expense. He didn’t mind. He loved seeing her smile.

He was breathing a small sigh of relief when his eyes skimmed the next paragraph. And then the next. And the next. And by the time he was done with the fucking email, he thought he was going to pass out from sheer horror and embarrassment. What the fuck was wrong with him, truly, what was fucking wrong with him -

_Becuz I love you, so mcuh. So fucking much, sometimes it hurts to breathe_

_I wnna read rumi’s poetry to you, one day. I;ll read it to you in turkish_

_Its the langugae i dream in. the language of you_

_But i cnt wait to propse to yo. To marry you. To make love to you_

_Taking my time, making you feel so gooood nd worshipin you_

_Just you., my soulmate_

This was worse than anything he had ever done, ever.

He was practically on the floor now, entire body flushed with shame. This was his punishment, wasn’t it? For not being a good enough person, for all the things he shouldn’t have done but did anyway, this is what he deserved. He couldn’t believe he fucking betrayed himself like this, spilling his fucking heart out in the worse possible way, to a girl who was too beautiful and kind and just good.

Telling her the most inappropriate things, it didn’t matter if they were true, when they were only dating - shit, not even a couple, really, just going on a handful of dates, what the fuck - a grand total of a few weeks. He was moving way too fast, jeeze, she had literally just decided to like him, to reach out, to give him a chance, and this is what he fucking does with it? Over a fucking email?

She was going to break up with him.

His entire body was shaking, as he followed the train of thought down the rabbit hole.

She was going to break up with him, and then it was going to go back to awkward silences and stolen, unrequited glances whenever he saw her around the house. She was going to avoid him, and then, because he would never, never want her to be uncomfortable in her own home, he wouldn’t go over anymore. And Elias would notice, as he always does, and pry into it, and - and Sana, she wouldn’t want to expose Yousef, she was too loyal and kind for that, but the email would eventually come out into the open, Yousef could never lie well to his best friend, and - and then Elias would beat the shit out of him, oh, fuck, and all the guys, Even and Mutta and Adam and Mikael, they would take Elias’s side - no, they would take Sana’s side, because she’s not only like a sister but a friend, and, shit, he would literally lose everyone -

Yousef tried to breathe; he tried to calm himself down.

Maybe she hadn’t seen it yet, because she hadn’t responded.

Or maybe she had seen it and was so upset she threw her entire laptop out of the window-

“Yousef?” he heard his grandmother ask, sounding very far away. “Yousef!”

“Yeah?” He barely heard his own voice over the liquid filling his ears, drowning him in anxiety.

He felt his grandmother’s hands on him, pulling him back up. Everything felt like static, and he had to manually tell himself how to breathe. A small part of him was screaming that he was overreacting, that everything was going to be fine. But the bigger part of him was so scared, so embarrassed, that he couldn’t properly process everything that was happening around him.

His grandmother was pulling him away from the computer, and back to his room.

“I told you to rest!” she scolded him. “This is what happens when you don’t listen. Here. You need sleep, Yousef. Your body isn’t ready for the world again.”

Yousef was sure that he would never be ready for the world again ever.

 

+++

 

Even with everyone’s backpacks stuffed underneath the seats, it was a tight squeeze in Los Losers.

And just eight hours into the drive, Sana was already feeling cramped. The initial adrenaline of traveling and actually doing the damn thing had faded, and now she was just eager for the next rest stop so that she could get out and actually stretch her legs. But she knew it was even worst for the drivers, so she tried not to complain too much.

Even though Eva didn’t have her license yet, she did most of the driving on the E20 until they reached the Swedish border. Then Chris had taken over, loudly singing along to the playlist Mikael brought along. Mutta had sat in the front seat, taking charge of navigation. They stayed on the E20 and the E60 and were just about to reach Copenhagen.

Then it was only two hours to Kiel, where Elias would take over and drive for the next ten hours. There would be another switch around Bratislava, where Mikael would drive. And then, near Plovdiv, Adam would drive the last stretch to Yousef’s grandparents’ place.

Noora had shown Sana their route when she first got into the van, and it was intense. An odd 40-something hours driving through 8 countries - Sweden, Denmark, Germany, Czech Republic, Slovakia, Hungary, Serbia and Bulgaria - before they even got to Turkey. It was a straight shot down the highway, but it was going to be a long, intense drive.

In order to get there as fast as possible, they weren’t planning on making any overnight stops at a hostel or motel. Instead, every stop was carefully planned out, to refuel, get food, stretch their legs, or, for Sana, to pray. If everything went according to plan, they would hit Istanbul Friday night. And that was if everything went as planned. Sana knew that so far, they had been lucky that they didn’t hit any traffic and had gone through the country borders safely and swiftly.

This also meant that the back of the van was full to capacity.

Elias was stretched out on the longest bench, napping until it was his time to drive. Noora and Sana were leaning against each other on the two-seater right behind the front seats. Vilde was sitting cross-legged on the two-seater next to the sliding door; Eva curled up next to her with a book on her lap. Adam and Mikael were sprawled on the floor, sitting amongst a ton of throw pillows. Adam was dozing and Mikael was playing a car game with the girls, all of them trying not to laugh too loudly so that Elias could be as refreshed as he could be when it was him turn to drive.

“Vilde, it’s your turn,” Noora said.

Vilde frowned. “What was the last answer? Kendrick Lamar?”

“Yeah,” Mikael said. “So now you chose a celebrity whose first name starts with L.”

“Hmm, okay,” Vilde shifted around, swinging her legs off of the bench. She almost hit Adam in the head.

Sana leaned her head back, closing her eyes briefly as she listened to the music. She smiled as she listened to Mutta and Chris singing along, voices low and actually in harmony. It was so cute she felt her heart warm. They were so good together, she decided. Sweet and hilarious, they were both amazing friends with huge hearts.

“Okay, uhm, I got one,” Vilde said.

They had been alternating between playing car games, taking short naps, and doing individual activities. Sana had a book wedged somewhere in her bag, but hadn’t been able to look at it. She mostly stared at photos on her phone and reread text conversations between her and Yousef.

She had lost data service a few hours back, and that was stressing her out. She wondered if she really should have emailed Yousef back, if just to say that they needed to talk and would soon. Or to actually tell him that she and most of their friends were on the road so that they could be together again. Something.

Her stomach flipped nervously, and she wondered if he was still sick. She mostly hoped he wasn’t, because it really sounded like he was miserable. But she also felt guilty, because a small part of her hoped he was. That way, maybe he wouldn’t be checking his emails and freaking out that she hadn’t responded yet.

“Go ahead,” Noora said lazily.

“L.L.,” Vilde said.

“Okay,” Mikael ran a hand through his hair. “Is the person a woman?”

“Yes.”

Noora asked, “Is she real?”

“Yes.”

“Mmm, is she an actress?” Eva asked.

“Yes.”

“Is she on television?”

“Hmm… yes?”

Elias grunted, and everyone froze. Sana watched as he mumbled something in his sleep, then turned over, his back facing the group. Sana zoned out, opting to listen to the music playing from the front seat rather than play the game.

This was going to be a long trip.

They didn’t stop the car again until Kiel, in the dark hours of the morning. It was at an older looking gas station, which stood near a bunch of corporate buildings. They looked almost ominous, Sana thought, all dark and looming.

Sana had found a quiet spot to pray, while everyone else bought food, used the bathroom, or simply stretched their legs. When Sana was finished, she had walked around a bit, nearly crashing into Adam and Mutta as they chased one another around the nearby parking lot.

She laughed, and then walked over to Noora, who was drinking a Red Bull and sitting on the asphalt.

“That stuff will kill you,” Sana pointed out, plopping down next to her.

“Ugh, I know,” Noora wrinkled her nose. “But I have to stay awake for the next eight or nine hours and keep your brother company.”

She didn’t sound happy, and Sana winced. “You sure you don’t want me to ride in the passenger seat? We can trade. Mikael is really focused when he drives, he won’t ask you a million questions or anything-”

Noora shook her head quickly. “No, it’s okay. I’d rather just get it over with.”

Sana nodded her head, and they both looked out onto the parking lot. Elias had just joined Adam and Mutta. He was tossing something at them; Sana thought it was a tennis ball. She gave Noora a sidelong glance.

“We should… well. We should probably talk about this thing with you and Elias,” she said. “Don’t you think?”

Noora played with the tab on her can. “Do we really have to?”

“Noora.”

“What?”

“Just a few nights ago you said you left Willhelm because of Elias,” Sana said. “I think that’s something we need to talk about. Not because he’s my brother, but because you’re my friend. And I’m worried about you.”

Noora lifted her head back slightly, and sighed. “I didn’t say I left Willhelm because of Elias. I said Elias was part of the reason I broke up with Willhelm.”

Sana raised her eyebrows. “Okay? And the difference is…?”

Noora huffed. “The way you said it, makes it seem like I broke up with Willhelm just so I could date Elias. Which… well. Maybe I do want to date him, later on. But that’s not why I did it.”

Sana was quiet for a moment. “I didn’t mean to imply that.”

“No, it’s okay. I know how it looks, probably,” Noora shrugged. “But I didn’t do it for Elias. I did it for me.”

Sana didn’t say anything.

“You know… Willhelm is... ” Noora sighed. “He is my first love, I think. Yes. And when we met… I thought he was so skeevy. One dimensional. Like he only wanted me because I was, like, a prize that was just out of his grasp. And… okay… that… was exciting. In a way.”

“Okay.”

“And I got to know him, and I saw… there was other things, you know. Things about him that I liked. Sometimes it felt like he really was taking care of me. That challenging me on so many things, getting me to see his side of the story, was a good thing. And maybe part of it was.” she looked away. “But then, after we had so much time apart… after he hurt me by not being there for me… ”

“Yeah?”

“I think I realized he wasn’t challenging me. He was manipulating me.”

Sana didn’t know what to say, so she just rested her hand on Noora’s knee and squeezed.

“Sometimes, I look back at myself in the relationship, and I feel… was I happy? Was I even me?” Noora sighed. “And when Willhelm came back, to talk about it all, to start anew… I realized, that… yes. I did want to start anew. But with me. Not with him. I missed the girl I used to be. She - the one was the one I wanted to look back at.”

“Wow, Noora.”

“Yeah. And… I spent so much of the relationship pushing myself to be more open, to be more empathetic, that I never saw that he wasn’t giving me anything back. I think... ” Her voice got quiet. “It… might have… well. It wasn’t healthy.”

“I’m sorry,” Sana said, voice small. “I wish… that in the first place… I… I should have never told you to give him a chance-”

Noora shook her head. “No, that’s not it. You know, it was… good. Parts of it. But altogether… the bigger picture...”

“Yeah.”

“Ending it was hard, you know? I kept thinking about all the better times… about how people can change… how much he means to me...” she trailed off. “But I told him to leave, that he had to go back to London. If he stayed, I… I might have taken him back.”

She leaned against Sana; Sana put her arm around her and squeezed tightly. They stared at their friends, laughing almost maniacally as they ran around. Chris, Eva, Vilde and Mutta had joined them in whatever game Elias, Mikael, and Adam were playing. Vilde tossed the ball to Chris, who did a running leap towards one end of the lot. She began to wave her arms around, dancing, as Eva and Elias cheered.

When Sana glanced at Noora, she was smiling wistfully.

“And about Elias… he’s just, he’s nice,” Noora said. “And I like him. It’s… simple. He’s fun. And funny, and loyal. And he doesn’t think, sometimes, before he acts. Not in a chaotic way or anything, but… I don’t know. This... he’s very different from me.”

Sana smiled. “I don’t know. You’re similar in a lot of ways.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Noora said.

She took another sip of her Red Bull.

“You know, I thought he would have smooth moves, like when we first met? With the balloons?” Noora said after a minute. “But he’s… very dorky at flirting.”

Sana laughed. “I think all of them are.”

Noora rolled her eyes. “He keeps - or, kept, I guess - sending me memes. And some of them don’t make any sense. Like he sent me this one - it’s that one, you know, with that blonde woman, and math in it? After I was complaining about Eskild saying he was going to go out to get toilet paper, and then didn’t come back until the next morning with a bottle of vodka.”

Sana raised her eyebrows. “Wow.”

“I know, right? Why’s he so bad at flirting?”

“No, I mean, wow, they really all do the same thing. Remember how I told you about Yousef-”

“Oh, oh yes! How could I forget?”

“Really, what is wrong with them-”

“A mess.”

“Truly.”

They smiled at each other. Out of the corner of her eye, Sana saw Adam waving at them, asking if they were ready to get back on Los Losers. Noora shrugged her shoulders, and wiggled around to stand.

“Now or never, right?” She said.

 

+++

 

Sana still hadn’t responded.

Yousef sat in front of the computer, the only light in the living room.

He had spent most of the past 24 hours in bed again, under orders of his grandparents. He hadn’t really been able to sleep, and outright refused to drink any more of his grandfather’s tea. He had mostly lain in bed, thinking about all the horrible things that were going to happen, and all because he was a total idiot.

But now, he was out of bed, both of his grandparent’s sleeping down the hall. He was staring down at the desk, his head cradled in his hands, as he tried to think of the right thing to email to Sana. He tugged at his hair with his fingers, sharp and demanding, as he tried to get his brain to work. But the only thing he could think of was Sana’s face, surprised then shocked then embarrassed, sitting at her laptop and reading the message he had sent.

He tugged at his bottom lip with his teeth, and lifted his head up. His fingers paused over the keyboard, as he tried desperately to find something to write that would explain himself. So far, all he had typed was her name.

After sitting on it for about a day, he knew that the email itself wasn’t that bad. If it had been written coherently, it might actually be a beautiful love letter. But anxiety was still biting at his stomach because of how intense it was, how raw and unfiltered and open. The truth of the matter was, he was scared.

Sana was one of the few people he ever felt like he could really talk to. She never judged him or thought that he was getting too serious, ruining a good mood. She always responded back to him with thoughtful carefulness. She never downplayed his emotions or his train of thought. He learned more about himself through his conversations then he did just thinking to himself.

It was like she saw him in his wholeness; a guy who danced like a dork; was fiercely loyal to his loved ones; wanted to be as kind and free as his kindergartens; enjoyed being playful and cutting loose; and tried not to take himself too seriously, even when he was having very serious moments.

He was in love with her. He wanted to be with her for as long as she would have him.

But he - fuck, he couldn’t say any of that to her. And he shouldn’t have told her any of the things that he did.

He and Sana hadn’t been together for that long, and the relationship, sometimes, felt precarious. Even knowing that Sana liked him, it was hard not to feel like she could so easily just walk away from him without a second thought. So much of that was because it felt like it had taken so long for them to finally open up and admit liking one another, and actually talk about so many of the issues that were between them. And even then, it only worked because she had humored him enough to be honest and play that basketball game with him.

What if he scared her off for good, being too emotional and too intense? What if he made her feel caged in, but admitting that he wanted to marry her, when they weren’t even an official couple yet? What if he had embarrassed her, talking about wanting to make love when they never even talked about intimacy?

Yousef sighed bitterly. His medicine-drunk self knew that it was inappropriate, had admitted it, and yet went ahead and sent the email to her anyway.

But he couldn’t do anything about that. He could just try to fix it and hope that she wasn’t completely freaked out. He just had to apologize, explain that he was completely out of his mind and would never, ever pressure her or want to make her uncomfortable, ever, and that he would understand if she needed a break from him, or-

He took a deep, shuddering breath, and tried to type.

_Sana,_

_I don’t even know how to start this email, but please, please forgive me. I didn’t mean to type all that out to you -_

No. He highlighted the entire thing and pressed delete.

_Sana,_

_I know we’ve only been seeing each other for a few weeks, and that last email I sent was very intense. But please know I would never have said any of that if I were in my right mind -_

No.

_Sana,_

_Please don’t hate me forever, I’ve been in love with you for so long, and I’m sorry if my incoherent rambling just fucked everything up -_

Absolutely not.

_Sana,_

_I’m more embarrassed right now than that time you caught me dancing in the living room alone -_

Why, why would he even want to bring that up?

_Sana,_

_I know I said a lot of intense things, but would it be so bad if I really meant all of them? There’s nothing about you I don’t love, and I think about you, every day, every night -_

Going down that route would be worse than the original email.

_Sana,_

_I know what I sent to you was mostly unreadable and was extremely intense. But I want you to know that I respect you and would never intentionally do anything to make you upset or uncomfortable. Everything I typed was true, yes, but I would never tell you it consciously because -_

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

 

+++

 

Sana could hear everyone playing Never Have I Ever in the back of the van.

She was sitting in the front, keeping Mikael company as he drove. They hadn’t really talked; he was a careful and rigid driver. Sana had never seen anyone sit up so straight, hitting the speed limit exactly, while on a highway. He even had his hands positioned exactly at nine and three o’clock on the steering wheel. The music was playing softly, their friends voices loudly overshadowing the tunes.

Sana sat up a little bit and tilted her head back to look through the plastic partition. Adam was asleep on the longest bench, his head in Mutta’s lap. Mutta looked like he was knocked out as well; his head was pressed against the wall, his throat exposed. Vilde was on the third bench, legs splayed out, with only one hand up. Noora and Eva were on the floor. Noora was sitting with her back against Vilde’s seat. Eva was laying down on her back, both hands up, three of her fingers curled in on one hand. She couldn’t really see most of Elias or Chris, who was sitting right behind the driver’s seat. However, their hands were clearly displayed in front of them. Chris had four fingers down, and Elias only had one hand up.

Vilde had a look of concentration on her face.

“Never have I ever... ” She glanced up and made eye contact with Sana, grinning. “Thrown a drink at someone at a party.”

Noora and Chris started to laugh.

“I'm not playing,” Sana reminded them.

Elias put a finger down.

“What is with you two?” Noora asked.

Elias said, “I protect my boys!”

“Okay, okay,” Chris said. “Never have I ever… had sex with a girl.”

Elias put another finger down. Sana saw Vilde look at Eva expectantly.

“Khadijah and I have only been dating a few weeks!” Eva huffed. “Besides. How do you define sex?”

“Anything you do to make sure someone gets off,” Elias said.

Noora answered, “Vaginal, anal, or oral penetration or stimulation.”

“Smooshing booties,” Chris said.

“I'm still going with no,” Eva shook her head.

Vilde made a noise of disappointment.

Elias said, “Never have I ever… cheated on someone.”

Eva put a finger down with a groan.

“Never have I ever… kissed someone in this van,” Noora said.

Eva, Chris, and Vilde all put one finger down.

Sana caught a movement out of the corner of her eyes. She glanced over at Mikael, who had a slight smirk on his face. He had one finger off of the steering wheel, and raised his eyebrow at Sana. Slowly, he put it down, curling it back around the wheel.

Sana narrowed her eyes at him, trying to keep the smile off of her face.

“Can I ask…?”

He nodded.

Her voice was low. “Adam?”

He nodded again. “Once. But we decided we worked better as friends.”

Sana hesitated. “Was this before…?”

He seemed to know what she was asking, and didn't seem surprised. “Before Even tried to kiss me? Yeah.”

“So… why did you…?”

He shrugged, but it wasn't flippant. “We’re all works in progress. I was going through a lot, you know? And I'm still figuring a lot out.”

“Have you and Even talked about it, since it happened?”

“Yes,” Mikael smiled.

“And you’re both okay?”

“It’s not always easy, you know, but Even’s my best bud. We’re working through it,” he said.

Sana smiled at him, nodding her head. “That’s good.”

He looked over at her quickly, smiling back at her.

Sana was glad to hear that Mikael and Even had talked about things and were slowly repairing their friendship. From what she had seen amongst all of the Bakka boys, things were definitely looking better. She was curious to hear more details, but also didn’t want to pry. She didn’t think any of them - Elias, Yousef, and Even in particular - would mind talking about it with her. But she also wanted to be respectful of their friendship and their traumas; some things could just be private amongst them. And if it were really that important for her to know, any of them would have offered the information more openly.

She was quiet the rest of the ride, slowly bobbing her head to the music.

Their next stop was somewhere near the Serbian-Hungarian border, grabbing food at a small family restaurant. The guys were still inside, trying to decide what to order, while all the girls chose to eat outside, enjoying the cool, summer breeze. Sana had ordered something that she thought was vegetarian, but she actually wasn’t one hundred percent sure. She could see the guys through the thick windows, jostling one another and pointing out things on the menu, trying to figure out what things were.

Noora was staring at Chris in disgusted fascination.

“Chris,” she said, “Do you really have to eat your ćevapčići like that?”

“Eat it like what?” Chris asked, before winking at Noora.

Sana rolled her eyes at Eva.

“I have never seen someone eat a sausage so seductively,” Vilde said.

“That’s what Mutasim will be saying-”

“Okay!” Noora said abruptly, standing up from the table. “I’m gonna go the bathroom. Anyone else?”

Eva crumpled up a napkin and threw it on her plate. “Yeah, I’ll go.”

Sana watched as they disappeared into the restaurant, Chris snickering into her food. Sana raised her eyebrows at her friend. Vilde continued eating.

“Oh, come on, I’m only doing it to tease Mutasim,” Chris said. “There, look.”

Sana turned to back towards the restaurant, where Mutta was staring right at them. Although she couldn’t see his facial expression, it looked like his face was red. Adam was standing next to him, almost doubled over. Sana was sure he was laughing at Mutta’s expense. Sana had no idea how either one of them could even see what Chris was doing.

“Chris...”

“He said he doesn’t mind,” Chris winked. “I think he likes it, actually.”

“I used to tease Magnus a lot,” Vilde said. “Though, I don’t know if he liked it much. This one time, he said he wanted to try something with an ice cube, right? So I got one out the freezer, but it was shaped like Batman, you know, the logo? And when I put it on his di-”

Sana folded her arms on the tabletop, placing her head on top of them.

“Whoops,” Vilde said. “Sorry. I forgot, you don’t like talking about sex.”

“I -” Sana stopped. “That’s not it. I just don’t want to hear every detail.”

“Some things are okay to just be between you and your partner,” Chris added.

Sana tilted her head and saw the indignant look Vilde was shooting at Chris.

“What?” Chris asked. “I have layers.”

Vilde frowned for a minute, considering.

“We can talk about sex,” Sana said. “It just. Like. Doesn't have to be the only thing we talk about, especially so explicitly.”

“Okay. Okay,” Vilde said.

Sana poked at her food and took another bite. Chris licked her sausage.

“Sana, have you - ” Vilde cleared her throat. “Well, wait. Don’t answer if you don’t want to...”

“What, Vilde?”

“Have you talked to Yousef about… any of this?” she asked. “Because he might feel differently than you. You know. About the details.”

Chris said slowly, “Yeah, especially going off of that email...”

Vilde pretended to fan herself, and Sana couldn’t help but smile.

“No, we haven’t,” Sana said. “That’s… one of the things we have to talk about, I know. I’m nervous about it, though.”

There were so many things Sana wanted to say to Yousef, and so many things that she wanted to hear. But it felt overwhelming. There were so many parts of their relationship that were just unknowns, and Sana hated not feeling like she was in control. She knew they didn’t have to figure everything out in this one trip, but it made her anxious. Especially thinking about intimacy, in the light of his email.

“Yossi is such a great guy,” Vilde said. “I know he would never pressure you or anything.”

Chris nodded. “Yeah, and you know, talking about sex can be awkward, sometimes, but I’m sure he’s thinking a lot of the same things you are.”

Sana shifted. “Yeah.”

“Do you want to practice on us?” Vilde asked, leaning forward.

“What?”

“Pretend that we’re Yousef, and talk to us about sex!” Vilde said.

“Uh...”

Vilde was quick to add. “Only if you want, of course.”

Sana paused for a moment, looking at her friends. Vilde was nodding eagerly, her hands pressed together on the table. Chris was smiling in encouragement.

Well.

Why not?

“Okay,” Sana said slowly.

“Okay, good!” Vilde said.

“Good,” Sana repeated.

“Don’t worry,” Vilde said. “I’ve been reading a lot about consent in lesbian relationships, and I’m sure we can apply the same principles.”

Chris nodded eagerly. “That makes sense!”

Sana sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, okay.”

Chris adopted a strangely deep tone. “Hello Sana. It is I, your soul mate.”

Sana scrunched her face up, feeling absolutely absurd. “Hi, Yousef.”

“I love you so much, Sana,” Vilde said, also in a fake-deep voice. “And I would like to make love.”

“Vilde!”

“No, it is I, Yousef, your one true love,” Vilde nodded her head firmly.

Sana rolled her eyes. “Okay. Sorry, Yousef.”

“As I was saying,” Chris interjected, “I would like to make love to you. But I also want to know what you want. Please let me know.”

“I...” Sana’s mind drew a blank.

“I know that you are very devout and can’t - no, choose not to - do some things,” Vilde said. “And that is okay with me. What are some things you would feel comfortable doing?”

“Uh...”

“How about, what do you enjoy doing?” Chris asked.

Their fake Yousef voices were making Sana want to burst into laughter, but she stopped and took a deep breath instead. She was actually really lucky to have friends that would do this with her, she knew. It was actually helping ease some of the nerves in her stomach, no matter how silly they sounded.

“I… enjoy touching you, and kissing you.”

Vilde nodded. “Ah yes. You are a great kisser, Sana Bakkoush.”

“...Thank you.”

“Am I a good kisser?”

“Vilde!”

“No, still Yousef,” Vilde giggled.

Sana rolled her eyes. “Okay. Yes, Yousef, you’re a great kisser.”

“I always thought I might be,” Vilde said.

“You’re ridiculous,” Sana said.

“So you enjoy kissing and touching,” Chris said. “Me too.”

“Uh - yes. But that’s… ahem.” Sana coughed. “I… don’t want to go further than that. Like. Nothing… under the clothes. I don’t think.”

“I appreciate and understand your wishes, thank you, my dearest love,” Vilde said.

Chris winked. “I would like to kiss you now, to celebrate this helpful and consensual conversation.”

“Yes! Kiss me Sana!” Vilde said.

Sana groaned as they both began to make exaggerated kissing noises at her.

“Kiss me, soul mate!” Chris cackled.

“I’m… not going to ask,” Eva said, suddenly somewhere behind Sana. “But I think everyone is ready to get back in the van.”

“Yeah, okay,” Sana said.

She got up and smiled at Chris and Vilde, offering them a grateful nod. They both grinned back at her.

Hours later, Sana was asleep on the van floor next to her brother, when the sound of three loud honks scared the shit out of her.

“Ugh?” She groaned, feeling groggy.

She pushed Elias’s leg off of her, which had been half thrown over her torso. She struggled to sit up in the moving van, a cacophony of noises making it hard for her to understand what was happening. The van’s horn was still blaring, and it sounded like hands were pounding on the roof. She rubbed at her eye with one hand, before squinting.

Mikael was slumped over on the bench behind the driver’s seat, his head pillowed by Noora’s lap. Her hand was in his hair, but she looked bewildered, as if she had also been dragged from her sleep. Eva and Chris were on the longest bench. Chris had her legs stretched out on Eva’s lap. Mutta had headphones on the last bench, bobbing his head slowly to the music.

“Who’s making all that fucking noise,” Elias moaned, also sitting up.

Vilde’s face appeared suddenly through the plastic partition, separating the back of the van from the driver and passenger seats. She was grinning manically, and her eyes looked a little unfocused. Sana knew it was because of all the caffeine she had downed, to make sure that she could stay awake and keep Adam company while he drove.

“We’re about to pass Istanbul!” she shouted over the honk of the horn.

An excited laugh escaped Sana, as everyone began to clap and cheer. Mikael remained sleeping throughout it, but everyone else began to yell and stomp. Sana glanced around, unable and unwilling to stop the joy she was feeling, surrounded by all these people she loved.

Noora’s hair was sticking up in a thousand different directions, and her red lipstick was half-smeared off of her face. Eva’s eyes were pink and she looked flushed, crumbs from the last rest stop sandwich she had eaten still on her jean jacket. Chris’s right pant leg was hiked up, and she was wearing two different socks, her boots abandoned as soon as she was finished driving.

Elias had thrown his arm around her shoulder and she could smell his armpits, the deodorant long worn-off. A dry patch of drool stained Mikael’s chin, and he kept snoring, jerking slightly on Noora’s lap. Mutta’s hair was flat and greasy on one side, and wildly curly and frizzy on the other.

A huge smile spread across Sana’s face as she looked at them. Her best friends, her family, her incredibly sweet dorks. The noise began to die down as everyone went back to snoozing or their own projects. Sana checked her phone. It was just about four in the morning.

She felt a hand squeeze hers gently, and looked up to see Eva smiling into her face.

“Only a few more hours now,” she whispered.

“I know,” Sana whispered back.

Her body didn’t know what to do as her heart rate ping-ponged back and forth between smooth and calm to frenzied and excited. She felt almost manic, knowing that she and Yousef would be in the same space again soon. And then, it would be her turn to take a deep breath and expose her heart to him.

It made her smile, thinking back to when they had played H-O-R-S-E. In many ways, she felt that it was her turn to step up. Because he was the one who was bold and brave enough to orchestrate the whole thing. He did it in a way that was so unique, so sweet, so utterly him, that she hope that when she laid all of her feelings out for him, open and straightforward and sweet, that it could measure up.

Eva’s eyes softened. “This might come out sappy because I’m half sleep deprived, but Sana… I’m so proud of you.”

San furrowed her brow. “Why?”

Eva shrugged. “It’s… you know, when we first met, I thought that you were so strong. But in a… I guess fake way? Like, those action movie women who just kicked ass and didn’t have any other feelings. And I know that was dumb of me, because… I come off the same way, you know?”

Sana nodded.

“But… as we got to know each other more… became friends… I realized that, like, you know, like me, a lot of it was a front. Not that you’re not strong, but that some of it was… maybe because you were scared to reveal some other parts of yourself.”

“Yeah,” Sana said softly.

“And… fuck, this is coming out all wrong,” Eva gave a soft laugh. “Okay, what I’m saying is that this past year, I… thank you for showing me, showing all of us, the other sides to you. Trusting us, even when…. Sometimes we haven’t really deserved it. Like… am I making sense?”

Sana smiled. “Not really, but I think I know what you mean.”

“Okay, cool. It’s… you always saw us as more than what we put off, you know? More than what others were saying. And… sometimes we… I… was so judgmental. Like with the whole, exposing Sara thing,” Eva said. “And like... Self-righteous. Towards the one person who would’ve never turned their back on me.”

Sana was quiet for a moment. “I…”

“No, wait, not to talk over you, but I’m… let me get this out,” Eva said. “You apologized to everyone and no one apologized to you back. When… we fucking should have. We should have had your back from the first moment… and pushed you the way you always push past what we… like, put out, and you see us. So...”

“It’s okay, Eva,” Sana said, trying not to feel choked up with emotions.

“Fuck, I shouldn’t have tried to do this here, half-coherent. I… okay, the main point is… I see you, Sana Bakkoush. All of you. And thank you for sharing yourself with me. Because you’re an amazing friend… and a good person. And… I hope that I can be there for you in a much better way… like you’ve always been there for me.” Eva nodded.

Sana waited for a moment, and then couldn’t hold back the massive grin on her face. “Eva.”

“Okay, I know, corny, but that’s it, that’s everything,” Eva said, grinning back.

Eva’s phone beeped, and she looked down to check it.

“Oh, we’re gonna have to stop soon, so you can perform fajr,” Eva said, almost offhandedly.

 

+++

 

Yousef was sitting on an old plastic chair on the balcony, nervously fidgeting with his phone. He had music playing off it softly, hoping it would give him some kind of inspiration for what he should do next.

He hadn’t sent another email to Sana.

But he wasn’t sure what the next move was. He knew he had to say something, anything to her. That he was chickening out, again, when it came to telling her how he was feeling. But it was just. Fuck. This was something he couldn’t do over a message. He owed their relationship more than that.

He was contemplating just grabbing the landline and calling his cousin Hassan, asking if he could use his phone again to call Sana. He was glad Hassan had an international calling plan, because there was no way he was going to wrack up his grandparent’s phone bill, no matter how important this was.

“Yousef?”

He looked up to see his grandfather stepping out onto the balcony. His grandfather moved slowly, dirt and grass stains streaked on his pants. He had his gardener's gloves in one hand, and a large, wide-brimmed hat on his head. He moved slowly, walking around the railing of the balcony. He reached a hand out, touching some of the ivy that was growing around the iron.

“Hi, Dede,” Yousef said, smiling.

“How are you feeling today?” his grandfather asked. “Out of bed, that’s good.”

“I’m fine, Dede,” Yousef said, then shifted to get up. “Do you need help with anything?”

His grandfather chuckled. “No, no, sit down, Yousef.”

He shuffled towards the matching plastic chair, and slowly lowered himself into it. Yousef settled back into his seat, placing his phone on the corner table beside him.

“You’re a good man, do you know this?” his grandfather asked.

Yousef ducked his head. “Dede-”

“No, it’s true,” his grandfather said.

Yousef scrubbed a hand down the back of his hair; he wished he had a hat on. “Yeah.”

His grandfather peered at him. “Your grandmother said that you have been feeling... down? Lately. And it’s very rare that we see you like that.”

Yousef shifted. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you worry. I love being here, and-”

“Yousef,” his grandfather waved his hand as if pushing away smoke. “Of course I know this. You visit every summer, you never complain about not having your Internet or working on the farm or sitting around listening to your grandmother and I tell the same story for the thousandth time. Shh. Tell me what’s really happening.”

Yousef hesitated. “It’s nothing, Dede.”

His grandfather gave him a knowing look. “I’ve raised too many children and grandchildren to believe that.”

Yousef cracked a smile.

“Is it about your Sana?”

“Why would you think that?” Yousef froze.

“Ah, so it is,” his grandfather smiled gently. “The look on your face is the same one I’ve felt whenever I messed up with your grandmother.”

They sat in silence for a few moments. Yousef turned his head, hand still in his hair, and stared off into the backyard. His eyes skipped over the small plots of fruits and vegetables that his father so painstakingly tended to. He could remember being a toddler, crawling around the stakes and pointing at the handwritten labels, his grandfather laughing and carefully stepping around him.

“I… sometimes, I don’t even know why she likes me, Dede.”

His grandfather looked outraged for a moment. “What’s not to like about you?”

Yousef smiled softly. “I haven’t… this past year, especially, I haven’t been as good to her as I could have. You know, I… sometimes, when I’m around her, I just act like a child. And, this one time, I… might have kissed her friend...”

His grandfather didn’t say anything, just nodded along, encouraging him to keep talking.

“But she… liked me anyway. And gave me a chance, anyway. And I try to be worth her time, try to respect her wishes, try to not push too much… but I still...” Yousef shook his head. “I’m just worried that it’s too much, too soon.”

His grandfather was quiet for a long time. “Yousef, a little bit of worry is good. I always thought it meant that you care, and that you care deeply. But when you let it overwhelm you, especially when it’s because you’re not talking to your partner, that is when it becomes a problem.”

“I know, Dede,” Yousef said quietly. “It’s just… sometimes I look at her, and I wonder, she could have anyone. Why would she choose me?”

His grandfather smiled. “I think that every day that I’m blessed waking up next to your grandmother.”

His grandfather looked like he was going to say something more, when the blare of a car horn cut him off. Yousef jumped; the road his grandparents lived on was fairly rural, and didn’t get much traffic, especially not in the middle of the day.

His grandfather’s eyebrows were almost to his hairline. “What was that?”

Yousef strained to listen, and heard the sound of something driving down to the front of the house. Someone was turning into the driveway. He frowned; his grandparents almost never got unexpected visitors. Yousef got up, and heard multiple car doors slam. A chorus of yelling and cheers wafted up to the balcony, and then his grandmother was yelling out his name.

His grandfather’s eyes crinkled. “It sounds like you have guests.”

Yousef frowned. He was pretty sure he wasn’t meeting up with his cousins today. He squeezed his grandfather’s shoulder as he passed him, walking back into the house. He looped through the second floor, bounded down the stairs, and briskly walked through the living room. Through the screen door, he could see his grandmother standing just outside the house, smiling and clapping her hands together. She called out his name again, joy evident in her voice.  
Yousef pushed the door open and stepped outside. He almost tripped over his own feet when he saw a bright red van parked right outside of his grandparents’ house.

“Surprise!” a chorus yelled out at him.

Cause there, standing in his grandparents’ yard, was his friends. Here. In Turkey. They looked exhausted and wrinkled and so overjoyed that he was surprised none of them had fallen over.

Yousef was surprised that he hadn’t fallen over already.

Sana was here.

He could barely breathe looking at her, she was so beautiful.

She was just - she was standing there, in his grandparent’s yard, slightly hiding behind Elias and Noora. But she was smiling at him, her eyes looking slightly glassy, and her dimples out in full force. She was looking at him like she had never seen anything in her life that had pleased her as much as looking back at him did.

Him. Yousef.

Who was awkward and blurted things out and had messed up so many times and was sure he wasn’t good enough for her.

But there she was, eyes bright and white teeth all on display, and then she was making that fucking cute face, where she pressed her lips together and poked her tongue out just a little bit. She was so radiant; it almost hurt to look directly at her.

His stomach flipped; he wanted to shorten the distance between them and place his lips on hers, wrapping his arms around her and never letting go. But instead he stood like a statue, tugging on the back of his hair, staring at her in open admiration and confusion.

Had she not read the email? Why was she here, looking like that, smiling at him like that -

He didn’t even notice his squad moving at him, fast as a blur. One minute, he was sure he was wiggling his eyebrows at Sana unattractively, and the next, he was falling over from the impact of Adam’s body slamming into his.

Yousef laughed, exhilarated, as too many flailing limbs embraced him. Mutta was practically jumping on his back; Elias’s face was pressed into his neck; Adam’s whole body was wrapped around his; and Mikael’s legs were tangled with his and he yelped into his ears.

Just beyond the fray, Yousef could see the girls hooting, laughing, and cheering. He was sure that Sana was clapping the hardest, that wide, gorgeous grin on her face.

When the guys let go of him, he turned to his grandmother. She was standing off to the side, a large smile on her face. He noticed as she glanced at Sana, her eyes softening, probably recognizing who the only girl here with a hijab would mean to Yousef.

“Yousef,” his grandmother spoke Turkish, still smiling as she turned to him, “What is this?”

Yousef shrugged, overwhelmed, and also responded in Turkish. “Nene, I have no idea.”

The girls, who were walking over to the group, look immensely amused. Sana had a soft smile on her face, as she swept her eyes between Yousef and his grandmother.

“What - what are you all even doing here?” He asked in Norwegian, laughing helplessly.

“We missed you, man!” Elias said, clapping his shoulder, before cutting his eyes at Sana. “Some of us more than others...”

Sana gave Elias such a cold, hard glare that no one laughed. Mutta’s face did turn a particular shade of red as he tried to hold one in, though, and Eva quickly began to cough. Sana turned to her friend with a cheerful look on her face, thumping her on the back.

“Uh- so we decided to surprise you,” Elias said quickly, shooting a hesitant look at his sister for a moment.

“This is - you guys-” Yousef just grinned, unsure of what to say next. “Fuck, man.”

He turned to his grandmother, shrugging helplessly, as he switched back to Turkish. “Nene, these are my friends, from Norway. They - shit, I mean-”

She just laughed.

“They drove here from Oslo, to surprise me,” he continued.

Mutta, seeming to find his manners, immediately turned to Yousef’s grandmother. He extended his hand, and began to speak in Arabic.

“Mrs. Acar, it is such a pleasure to meet you.”

That seemed to spring everyone into action. Suddenly, his friends began to look embarrassed, and began falling over one another. They started apologizing and introducing themselves in a number of languages: Norwegian, Arabic, Turkish and even English.

Then Sana gently nudged her girls forward. And in her strong, sweet voice, she spoke in Arabic, introducing his grandmother to her friends. Each one stepped forward and gave her a giant hug.

“We’re happy to meet you,” Vilde said, in broken Turkish.

Even Sana looked at her, surprised. Vilde just shrugged back, a faint blush staining her cheeks.

“We’re sorry to just spring this all on you,” Sana said after a pause, still speaking Arabic. “It was - a very recent trip. A surprise, for Yousef.”

Her grandmother stepped forward quickly, embracing Sana. Yousef felt choked up when her arms went around his grandmother’s quickly, squeezing her back. He felt Elias’s gaze on him; when he glanced at his best friend, Elias was grinning broadly at him. Mikael nudged him in the ribs, also smiling.

His grandmother pulled away from Sana and then addressed the group in her slow, hesitant Norwegian. “I am so happy you are here. Yousef was sad. His friends are welcome in our home.”

She suddenly straightened, like she finally realized they would be housing almost ten more people. She called out to her husband in Turkish, yelling that he would have to go into town to get a lot more groceries.

“And you, don’t stand there, help them bring their bags in, and we need to get the other bedrooms ready,” she was speaking rapidly, pointing at Yousef with a grin on her face.

She turned to go back into the house, still yelling for his grandfather. His squad all gave him half-hugs and shoulder claps as they walked back to the van. All of the girls, except for Sana, did the same. He thought he saw Chris shoot Sana and exaggerated wink.

His heart skipped a beat as they stared at each other for a moment. He couldn’t believe that she was here, just a few feet away from him. She blinked up at him, bags under her eyes and a smile playing over her lips.

For a sweet second, he was transported back to the sidewalk in front of her house, late at night, after a fucking amazing walk home. They stared into each other’s eyes now, just as they had that evening. He didn’t know what his face was doing, but he knew he was probably smiling goofily. He could feel his entire body tingle, and he yearned to reach out to her and just, just fucking hold her.

He still had no idea what she was thinking, but she was here, in the flesh, smiling and staring up at him. She didn’t look angry or embarrassed or ashamed. A small part of him whispered that she looked like she was in love.

“I-” his breath caught in his throat. “Sana, I-”

“Sana! Come grab your bag, no one is carrying it in for you!” he heard Elias singsong.

Sana rolled her eyes, and Yousef was half amused, half frightened at the scowl that spread across her face. It softened just as quickly, as she stepped forward, and pressed a delicate kiss on the corner of his mouth. His entire face burned.

“We can talk later, okay? About - everything,” she said, all in a rush.

“Okay,” he said, tentatively.

Her smile was back again. “Okay.”

 

+++

 

‘Later,’ as it turned out, wasn’t as soon as Sana had hoped.

Between doing a grocery run in Los Losers so Yousef’s grandparents wouldn’t have to, getting settled in one of the guest rooms with the other girls, joking around and telling road trip stories, and trying not to pass out from exhaustion, Sana hadn’t had any time alone with Yousef so far.

Every time she looked at him though, he was staring back at her, his face slightly furrowed, like she was a puzzle he couldn’t figure out. And then his eyes would catch hers and he would either smile bashfully or quirk his eyebrows at her. She couldn’t help but grin widely back at him, feeling overwhelmed. She just wanted some time to talk to him alone, already.

Now, it was nighttime already, and it didn't look like Sana was going to get any one-on-one time with him at all. She was growing increasingly antsy, and felt embarrassed by that. Like everyone could tell she was desperate to be alone with Yousef, but weren't going to budge an inch to actually give her any.

Everyone was sitting in their living room, bodies piled on top of one another, after dinner. All of the windows and the front door were wide open, letting in a cool breeze. His grandfather was speaking in Arabic, telling them about the plans for the next few days.

Sana was sitting on the couch between Eva and Vilde, with Noora and Chris on the floor in front of her. She was doing her best to translate, but had to glance over to Yousef occasionally to make sure she had the right word. With his grandfather's Turkish accent and the slight difference in vernaculars, Sana wasn't 100% on all the terms he was using. Moroccan Arabic was just a little bit different.

She spoke to her girls in Norwegian. "He says that Yousef’s cousins are going to come over on Monday and take us to Istanbul, show us all the cool spots and take us to the touristy areas."

“Are we going clubbing? That would be so cool!” Vilde said excitedly.

Noora gave her an amused look. “You know, there’s more to this city than just drinking and dancing-”

“Oh, right, I’m sorry,” Vilde said quickly, shooting a horrified look at Yousef. “I know your family doesn’t drink.”

Yousef grinned, loose and easy. “Actually, a lot of my cousins do.”

“Yeah, remember that time when Fatima came to visit, and she got so wast-” Mutta started to say, then glanced at Yousef’s grandparents.

They both leaned forward, raising their eyebrows at him. Sana wanted to laugh; she bet it was a move they used often on their grandchildren, perfected after years of being in sync together. She was pretty sure that they only knew very basic Norwegian, but that didn’t matter. The look they were giving Mutta so very clearly said, “no, please, do go on, and tell us all about how badly our kids have been acting.”

“-Uhm, she got so, uhm, water, yes, she got so much water, she was very hydrated, that entire trip,” Mutta rambled, his face flushing.

Chris cracked up laughing; Elias rolled his eyes and Mikael just patted him on the shoulder condescendingly.

Yousef’s grandmother turned to him and asked something in Turkish. Sana watched as he nodded, and then leaned forward to stretch. His shirt rode up just a bit, and her eyes shot to that patch of skin between the hem and the waistband of his pants. She could see his ab muscles flexing slightly, and there was a dark trail of hair leading down.

She almost shivered, and then felt her face get hot. It was, quite frankly, embarrassing. She was so distracted and turned on by just a small patch of skin. Yet when his Yousef’s shirt dropped back down, she almost sighed, already missing the view.

But then her eyes trailed up his t-shirt, right up to his face. His head was cocked slightly and he was staring at her, his eyes looking dark and intense. She self-consciously licked her lips, and then felt a rush of excitement as his gaze dropped slightly. She was sure he was tracking the movement with his eyes -

“Sana?”

She felt something in her neck crack as she swung he head to look at Eva. She tried to ignore Vilde practically snickering in her ear and the delicate cough that masked Noora’s giggles.

“Hmm? Sorry, I’m really tired,” she said, not even believing her lies.

Eva looked like she was struggling to keep a straight face. “Right. Well. We were just saying, everyone should head to bed soon, no?”

“So we don’t keep Yousef’s grandparents up too late,” Noora added.

“And we can be all ready and refreshed for the morning, you know,” Vilde nodded.

“Oh, oh yeah, that’s a great plan,” Sana said, her stomach sinking slightly.

Shit. Was she never going to get any alone time with Yousef? She tried not to look too disappointed as Yousef translated the conversation in Turkish for his grandparents.

Everyone said their good nights, and Yousef’s grandparents went to retire to their room. Sana followed the rest of the group up the stairs. She was walking in front of Yousef, can could swear that she felt his gaze running up and down her back. It made her hot, and the warm, Turkish night wasn’t helping that at all.

There were two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a large, open common area that lead to a balcony on the second floor. The boys would be sharing Yousef’s room with him, and the girls would be in the other. Luckily, Yousef’s grandparents’ house was a popular spot for all of the cousins and was well prepared for a party of ten to sleep over. The rooms were big enough that no one would be cramped, and there were enough mattresses so no one would be stuck on the floor.

In the room Sana would be sharing with the girls, there was a queen-sized bed and a twin sized bed, plus a blow-up air mattress tucked into one corner. They all agreed to rotate so that everyone would have a chance to sleep on the twin bed by themselves. For this first night, Sana was stuck on the air mattress.

She collapsed onto it, sighing and staring off into space as the others made their nightly preparations. Chris was starfished on the twin bed, and Noora was painstakingly transferring her clothes from her book bag to an open drawer. Vilde was on the queen bed, drawing up a shower schedule for them all to follow. Eva was moving her phone around the room, trying to find the right selfies lighting.

“Yousef’s grandparents are so sweet,” Chris said, her face half muffled by a pillow.

“Yeah,” Eva said. “Now that I think about it, they are really, really cool. I can’t imagine the freak-out my family would’ve had if I showed up with a bunch of friends out of the blue.”

“And for them to insist we stay here instead of a hostel, it was just perfect,” Vilde added.

“Yeah,” Noora said slyly, “Especially so that one of us can… hmm… have a late-night rendezvous.”

It took Sana a moment to realize all of her friends were staring right at her. She raised her eyebrows, trying to quell the rapid beating of her heart.

“Late-night rendezvous?” she asked.

Vilde sighed dreamily. “We’re in the countryside, in a foreign country… it’s so warm out… there’s a balcony and the sweetness of love in the summer...”

Sana caught the slightly laughing, slightly disturbed look Noora and Eva tossed each other, before Eva cleared her throat.

“Yeah. You know, some of my best times with Jonas happened up at the cabin, finding time to be alone...” she trailed off, looking at Sana pointedly.

Sana tried not to roll her eyes and failed. “Yeah? You mean the cabin where Jonas’s grandparents weren’t right downstairs, and you didn’t have an annoying brother lurking in the exact same room Jonas was sleeping in? That cabin?”

The girls all groaned; Vilde’s face fell.

“Okay, minor obstacles,” Chris said firmly.

“Minor?” Sana felt her eyebrows raise. “Yeah, okay. Minor.”

“Look, we got you all the way here, do you think we wouldn’t get you some quality alone time with Yossi?” Vilde asked.

Sana was on alert, a feeling of suspicion crawling up her spine. “What exactly is going on here?”

“Nothing,” Eva said, a smirk gracing her face. “Just that, you know, it’s a lovely night to just go out onto the balcony...”

“Look at some stars, feel the nice summer breeze...” Noora added.

“Ambiance, bitch,” Chris waved her hands around, as if trying to hit the point home.

Sana looked at the four girls, all of them grinning back at her. Her heart sped up, and she self-consciously touched her hijab, needing to be grounded for a moment. This was it; she was finally going to talk to Yousef, just them, after weeks of not seeing one another. Days after she first read his email, each word practically seared behind her eyelids.

“How do I look?”

“Frazzled,” Eva replied automatically.

“Your eyeliner is a little smeared,” Vilde said. “Just like - right, right under there.”

Sana rolled her eyes. “Great. Thanks.”

Noora glared at Eva and Vilde. “I think what they meant was, you look confident, happy, and in love.”

“You’re practically glowing,” Chris added, nodding her head resolutely.

Sana smiled. “Okay, great.”

“Go get your man!” Chris said.

The other girls began to quietly cheer, dancing around the room. Sana could only stare, helplessly wanting to laugh, for a few moments. Noora was doing her awkward shoulder-shimmy, Chris began to roll around in her bed, and Eva and Vilde were doing an odd sort of salsa. They all began to chant, “go get your man” in low, laughing tones.

Sana pushed herself off of the air mattress, and straightened her clothes as best as she could. Fortified by her friends' love and pure excitement, she took a deep breath, threw her shoulders back, and marched out of the room. She made sure to gently close the door behind her.

The common area was dark, almost pitch black, and she almost tripped into the side of a sofa as she made her way across the room. Sana glanced towards the room the boys were sharing. There was just a thin sliver of light, poking out between the bottom of the closed door and the wooden floor.

She didn't give herself time or room to hesitate as she stepped towards the balcony doors. Instead, she slid the curtains back, and peered through the glass doors. She could barely see anything, except for a dim yellow-orange light glowing outside. She grasped the handle, her stomach in knots and her breath caught in her throat, before silently sliding it open.

Yousef was already outside, sitting on a white plastic chair. He looked nervous, and was tugging on the back of his hair. He was staring out into the dark backyard, so Sana took a moment to just stand and stare at him. He brow was furrowed in concentration, and his knee was bouncing up and down as he jiggled his leg.

Sana leaned into the doorway, her heart racing as she just watched him. Her heart was swelling even as her mouth went dry and her palms became sweaty. This was it, the moment she had driven all the way across country borders and time zones for. She was just going to step up, and blurt it out -

Yousef turned his face suddenly to look at her, and all coherent thoughts flew out of her head. He flinched, his eyes wide, and his mouth half-open. She thought she heard him whisper out half of a curse, before he awkwardly pushed himself to stand up. He rubbed at his ribcage with one hand, a confused and crooked and almost painful smile on his face.

For one awful moment, they just stood and stared at each other. Sana's nerves began to get the better of her, and she couldn't make her mouth work. As Yousef just stood and stared at her, anxiety coming off of him in waves, Sana wondered if she had just interrupted his private time. Maybe he didn't actually want to talk to her at all.

It occurred to her that maybe this was all one big mistake. What if he really hadn't meant any of the things he had said in his message? What if he really had just been drunkenly rambling about nothing? Yousef hadn't actually made any effort to get her alone since they had all gotten to his grandparent's place. And, she realized, what if he had emailed her while they were traveling to just say he wasn't in his right mind, to just forget everything he had written?

But then his eyes softened, and he said her name. Reverent and soft, like he was scared she was an apparition, come to either bless or condemn him.

Before her brain could keep up with her body, her legs were moving towards him. Her blood was humming and all of her nerve endings were lit up; the swish of her clothes against her skin was almost too much to bear.

She threw her arms around his neck, pressing her body against his. Her fingers found the back of his head, pushing into the soft hair near the nape of his neck. Almost blindly, her lips crashed into his mouth, and she kissed him, trying to press everything she wanted to say into that one action -

_I love you, I love you, I love you._

His arms came around her waist desperately, and he pressed his hands into her back. She felt his fingers knead her muscles, half clawing and half caressing. He kissed her back eagerly, just a tad sloppily, his tongue sliding along the seam of her lips.

When he pulled back his face was flushed and his eyes were darker than she’d ever seen them before. Sana inhaled, feeling lightheaded. She blinked up at Yousef, unable to keep the smile off of her face. He was grinning back at her, all of his teeth showing. He was so beautiful, she thought, standing in the soft glow, his hands resting gently on her waist. Her fingers flexed on his shoulders.

“Hi,” she said, smiling so hard her cheeks hurt.

“Hi,” he parroted.

She didn’t want to let go, but she couldn’t think clearly with him so close to her. So she pulled out of his grasp, swallowing down air, and moved back a little. She walked over to the balcony railing, staring out into the dark backyard. There were a few pinpricks of light; fireflies, she was sure.

She heard him move behind her, coming to stand next to her at the railing. He leaned his forearms onto it, looking for all the world like he was going for casual but failing miserably. She inched a little closer to him, until their elbows almost knocked. He smiled, shooting her a sidelong glance.

“So...” she started. “I - uhm, I got your email.”

He said hesitantly, “Okay.”

“And, uhm, then we drove here,” she said.

“Yeah.”

“Uh, and here we are,” she finished lamely.

Her courage was failing her with every asinine comment she was making. Why was it so hard to just come out and say what she was feeling? She took a shuddering breath and glanced at Yousef. His head was down, staring into the garden below them. He cleared his throat.

“What, uh, what did you think?” he stuttered. “About the - uh - my - email?”

“I -” her throat was dry, and no amount of swallowing was helping. “It - it surprised me. In a good way.”

He let out a breath. “Okay.”

“I- uhm. I hope you meant everything you wrote to me,” she said. “Because - I uhm, I liked it. A lot.”

“Wow,” he croaked. “Wow. Yes. Okay. Wow. I - definitely. I did. All of it. I. Yeah.”

She pivoted suddenly, turning to face him full on, her hand brushing against his forearm. She set her jaw, telling herself she could do this. She wanted to do this. She was just gonna fucking do this.

“Yousef, I’m in love with you,” she said. “And - I know it’s only been, uhm, a few weeks, that we’ve been dating. But I can’t help it. I just, I love you.”

There.

She watched his reaction carefully. Saw his body tighten for a moment, before he turned to look at her. His face was lit up in a smile, his eyes dancing across hers. Part of his gaze was exuberant, and the other part, disbelieving. Like he didn’t deserve her love, like he couldn’t actually understand the words coming out of her mouth.

“Uhm, and I thought your email was beautiful,” she rushed to say.

“Sana,” he stepped closer to her.

“Even though I couldn’t understand most of it the first time.” She smiled wryly. “And I - I didn’t want to say all this to you in an email. I had to - I had to tell you.”

“I meant it. Every single damn word.” His voice sounded hoarse.

“I - okay, good,” Sana said, her heart pounding in her ears.

“I- shit,” he huffed, laughing a bit. “It’s so hard to say this, looking into your eyes-”

She wanted to laugh, she was so giddy. “Should I turn around?”

He closed his eyes for a moment, grinning and shaking his head. “No, no, I want to look at you. You’re so beautiful.”

She blushed.

“I - I wish it was more eloquent. I hope I didn’t embarrass you,” he said. “I would never want to do that. Never want to make you uncomfortable. I know it was a lot, since we just started dating-”

“And haven’t talked about - about a lot of it, before,” she interrupted, her face burning as she thought about having sex with him.

“Yes, right, and - but I guess my, uh, inebriated self didn’t get the memo,” he said.

“No, I guess not,” Sana grinned.

“But - I meant it,” he said, taking her hands in his own. “I meant all of it Sana. And more. I want to - I want to recite poetry to you in Turkish, and tease you about cooking, and talk to you about Allah, and hear all about your studies and - and I want to wake up to you everyday -”

“Wow,” she breathed.

He took one of his hands back, scrubbing it down the back of his head. “Sana, I - fuck, sorry. I just - I love you, okay. I love you so much.”

“Okay, that’s - okay, cool,” Sana said. “I love you.”

Yousef grinned. “I love you.”

She couldn’t help herself; now that she said it once, the words were just bubbling out of her. “I love you.”

He pushed into her space. “I love you.”

Sana heard some rustling behind her, and the Mutta’s voice faintly, “You said that already!”

She snapped around, feeling like she was going to fall over in surprise. Yousef turned slowly, his face melting into a look of total embarrassment. His face scrunched and he closed his eyes, a deep sigh escaping his body.

“This is not happening,” he groaned.

Sana dragged her eyes from his face to stare at the sliding glass doors, which were still open a crack. There, peeking behind the heavy curtains, were eight pairs of eyes. If she weren’t so mortified, Sana would have laughed at the sight. Lined up like a totem pole, their friends were pressing their faces into the glass. They all looked frozen in horror, guilt etched into the lines of their faces.

Sana stomped over to the door, and heard everyone scrambling to move back as she flung the glass open even wider. She watched, almost in slow motion, as chaos ensued.

Noora jumped back, stumbling into Elias, who immediately put his arms around her. Noora practically squeaked and tried to right herself on her own. Mikael and Mutta flailed, clutching onto one another like they were life vests. Vilde was giggling uncontrollably, and Eva was standing completely still, averting her gaze, like she was simply admiring the wallpaper. Adam was on the floor, looking like he wasn’t exactly sure how he got there. Chris was staring back at Sana nodding slowly like she was really liking what she had just seen.

Sana pressed her mouth into a line, trying to keep from hysterically laughing. “Ah, so I see. This is what you call quality alone time?”

“Yousef was gone for a long time!” Mutta blurted out. “We had to make sure you didn’t, you know, push him off the balcony or anything.”

“And, we were here, just for emotional support,” Noora said, smoothing her hands down her shirt. “You know.”

“Right, right,” Vilde added, nodded quickly. “You know, sending out good vibes.”

“And you couldn’t do that from the bedroom?” Sana asked, her teeth sharp as she smiled.

“All of you,” Yousef said slowly, opening his eyes, “Are menaces. Every single one.”

“Hey, hey, chill, bro,” Elias said, looking offended.

“That’s very hurtful,” Adam added.

“Yeah, if it wasn’t for us-” Mikael started to say, before cutting himself off.

Sana noticed as everyone around him turned to glare.

She cocked her head, eyes narrowing. “If it weren’t for you?”

“We... ” He coughed. “You know. Uhm. We wouldn’t be in Turkey.”

Eva was staring up towards the ceiling, arms crossed. Noora and Vilde exchanged a look; Chris looked like she was chewing on the inside of her cheek, looking everywhere but at Sana.

Even without any of them saying a word, her friends were terrible liars.

She pointed her finger at them. “I can’t be bothered. One of you, tell me now, what is happening here.”

Vilde caved first. “It was all Elias’s idea.”

She hadn’t even heard Yousef move. But then, suddenly, he was standing right behind her. His hand was pressed against her lower back, a comforting weight that also made her want to sigh and press into his body.

“Elias,” he said, his voice warning.

Sana wanted to smile. It was the tone that he always used whenever Elias said something rude to her.

“Okay, okay, let’s all just calm down, let’s chill,” Elias waved his hands.

“Elias!” Sana narrowed her eyes at him. “You know, all summer, I knew, I just knew, something was up. And then I hear about this group chat you all have without us-”

“Group chat?” Yousef sounded confused.

“- And then there’s this, you all hiding and spying on us, so someone, anyone, tell me exactly what’s happening!”

“Sana, chill,” Elias said again.

She glared at him.

“Okay, okay,” he nodded, like he was having a conversation with himself, trying to decide what to say next. “We’re sorry we invaded your privacy. But, you know, I think I speak for all of us-”

“Yeah, that’s right,” Adam said firmly.

“- When I say, you know, we just wanted to see the fruits of our labor.”

“Nope,” Noora shook her head quickly. “Nope, he does not speak for all of us.”

“Fruits of your labor?” Yousef asked, squinting at his best friend.

“I...” Elias rubbed the back of his neck. “No, we-”

“No, it was definitely an I,” Eva but in.

“Fine, I… may have… formed a… ahem… committee...”

“Committee?” Sana felt her eyebrows fly into her hairline.

“Yes, committee… to… set you guys up.” he cleared his throat. “You know. To date.”

“Like matchmaking,” Mutta added, somewhat redundantly.

It was completely quiet for a few moments as Sana stood there, her lips parted in surprise. Everyone was staring at her and Yousef, looking like they were trying to gauge their reactions. She was literally speechless.

But she didn’t know why she was surprised.

She thought back to all of the seemingly random, weird events that had tossed her and Yousef together earlier in the summer, helping them to reconnect and actually talk to one another. That party where he stood outside the door as she prayed. Walking to the gym, Elias and Jamilla blocks ahead of them. That coffee date that Isak never showed up to, with Chris and Vilde running off at the first chance they got. The summer carnival, and Noora finally pushing her to talk about Yousef.

And then the dinner party. That perfect, sweet night, when they admitted their feelings to one another.

Sana opened her mouth, but all that came out was a croak.

“Why?” Yousef sounded bewildered. “No - how?”

“You were taking too long,” Vilde said.

At the same time, Adam said, “Facebook, man.”

“All of you?” Sana asked.

“...And Isak, Even, and Jamilla,” Eva admitted, smiling awkwardly.

Sana suddenly couldn’t keep it in anymore. It was - this entire thing, it was nuts. Completely unbelievable, while at the same time, totally plausible. It was a damned mess, hilarious and adorable and completely like something her brother would do - 

_When you’re sad, I’m sad._

She began to laugh, a deep, bellyaching thing, that had her almost doubled-over. Tears were streaming down her face, and she clutched at Yousef’s arm for support. Then, he was laughing too, his wide smile lighting up the night, his eyes screwed up in pure amusement.

She could only just blearily see their friends glancing at each other, before slowing retreating back into the darkened common area.

“You know, it’s very late,” Noora said quickly. “We should -”

“Yeah, bedtime,” Chris cut her off.

“Great idea,” Mutta was nodding enthusiastically.

Before they could scramble away, Sana moved swiftly, arms stretched out. She managed to snag most of them into a giant hug, limbs flailing and bodies every which way. She ended up sandwiched between Noora, Elias, and Mikael. For a moment, no one moved, and then she felt them all, arms gathering around her, squeezing tightly. Tears were still dripping down her face as giggles floated up through her.

She sighed, resting her head against her brother’s.

“I know I… maybe crossed a line,” he said into her ear. “I just hate seeing you both so unhappy.”

“I know,” she whispered back. “I’m not mad.”

“I love you, sis,” he said.

She said, “I love you too.”

“I love you too!” Adam said, somewhere near her right shoulder.

Sana grinned, and then, slyly, hissed right into Elias’s ear, “But don’t think this means I’m done with this conversation.”

She couldn’t see his face, but she knew he had blanched. She squeezed her arms tighter around everyone, than glanced to her left to look at Yousef. One of his arms was around her, and the other was looped around Eva’s neck. Their eyes met, and he grinned back at her.

 

+++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) I've never been on a multi-country road trip nor have I been to most of the countries listed on this road trip, so please forgive any inaccuracies. I used the Almighty Google maps to plot one out, and hopefully this was accurate enough. 
> 
> 2) I realized after I started writing that languages might be an issue, and tried to make the language barriers seem authentic. I thought it might that all of the Muslim (or Muslim raised) characters might speak both Norwegian and Arabic canonically, so I ran with that. A thousand apologies if that part is not accurate at all. And I figured, why shouldn't Yousef and his family speak Turkish, Norwegian, and Arabic? Thanks to SKAM PoC on Tumblr for their list of the balloon squad's ethnicities (some based off of their actors), which also helped in my choice to have them all know Arabic! (For the record: Elias, Sana and Adam are Moroccan; Yousef is Turkish; Mutta is Pakistani; and Mikael is Egyptian).
> 
> 3) I looked on AirBnB (lol) and modeled Yousef's grandparents' place after this listing: https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/15205115 and in this story its somewhere between Istanbul and Ankara.
> 
> 4) Turkish translations (THANK YOU AGAIN @Artemis_huntress):  
> Dede - grandpa  
> Nene - grandma  
> Günaydın - good morning


	3. Part III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now... the moment(s) we've all been waiting for... YOUSANA DATING FLUFF.

+++

 

Yousef woke up with a smile on his face.

Although he was bleary and his body ached, he just couldn’t stop grinning.

The guys were all lying on the floor in a big pile. They had pushed all the furniture against the wall, and pulled three different mattresses onto the hardwood. It was a tangle of bodies, pillows, and blankets. It was comfortable, but only if everyone stayed in their own spots, which definitely didn’t happen.

But it didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter that Adam’s elbow was jammed into his spleen and that Mikael had taken his arm hostage to cuddle it in the middle of the night. It didn’t matter that Mutta’s smelly foot was inches from his nose and that Elias, while sleeping on his chest, had drooled all over his t-shirt.

It didn’t matter that he was still half asleep, too hyper from the events of the night and his best friends making fun of him until the sun rose about Sana. Telling him all the shit they plotted to get them together and then moving on to all of the things he missed while he was in Turkey.

None of the aches and pains mattered because Sana Bakkoush was in love with him.

“You’re such a dork,” Adam said, lifting his head up and grinning at Yousef’s face.

Elias stirred to look up at Yousef, before shaking his head. “That’s my sister, man. Calm down.”

“Nope,” Yousef said, his cheeks beginning to hurt from grinning so much.

They still had a lot to talk about, but he felt so happy, so free. Sana loved him back; she was in love with him. And he hadn’t freaked her out or pushed her away, he had inspired her to travel halfway across the world, practically, just to tell him how much he meant to her.

His heart ached, in a good way, and he wanted to stretch his arm out and press his hand into his chest. He wanted to get up, make some coffee, and meet Sana out on the balcony. He wanted to put his arms around her, and have her lean against him, her head next to his heart, so she could hear it beating, just for her.

Shit.

He was being so corny, but he couldn’t help it. And what was more, he didn’t care. He wanted to laugh and shout and dance forever.

Elias poked him in the armpit. “Are you gonna act this goofy all day?”

“Yeah, he is, look at his face,” Mikael said.

Adam began to joke, “Oh Sana, I love you so much! Hold my hand on this romantic tour through Istanbul! Wait, let’s stop so I can read you poetry by the bazar!”

Mutta cracked up laughing. Yousef grabbed the pillow from beneath Adam’s head, and began to smack him in the face with it. He blushed, but was in too good of a mood to take the ribbing seriously. In all honesty, he was pretty much used to it. He had been gone on Sana for a long time.

“At least I got someone,” Yousef said back, grinning. “And what can any of you say to that? Eh?”

“Hey!” Mutta sounded offended. “I told you Chris and I have been dating. I sent all those emails-”

“Oh yeah, I read them,” Yousef laughed. “‘Today, I took Chris to the movies and we split a popcorn, but it was a scary movie and I grabbed her hand during one of the horror scenes and she laughed at me. What do you think that means?’”

The rest of the guys burst into laughter, and Mutta just kicked at Yousef’s chin.

“You get scared as shit at horror movies too!” He said, pouting.

“And Elias’s got Noora, sort of,” Adam snickered.

Mikael started to say, “Except she gave him the red card-”

“We drive all the way here for you to insult me? Please,” Elias cut him off, sounding unimpressed.

When Yousef glanced at his best friend though, he had a hurt and annoyed look in his eyes. Their gazes met, and Elias shook his head a little bit, indicating that he didn’t want to talk about Noora. Yousef nodded slowly. He understood; they’d talk when it was just the two of them.

Yousef shoved Mutta’s feet off of him. “You stink.”

Mutta grumbled and then sat up. “I think it’s time for me to shower, anyway. Have you seen Vilde’s schedule anywhere around here?”

Mutta went off to shower, and Mikael and Adam wandered downstairs in search of food. Elias and Yousef stayed behind to tidy up the room, stacking the mattresses up in a corner and folding the sheets on top of pillows.

“You know, I didn’t get to tell you thank you,” Yousef said, glancing at his best friend.

Elias smiled. “You don’t have to say that.”

“I do.” Yousef paused. “You… you’re my best friend, my brother. I can’t believe that you did all of this, to get me and Sana together.”

Elias stared at him for a few minutes, yesterday’s sweats in his hands. “Yousef. Of course.”

“You say of course, but not a lot of people would do that.”

“You would’ve done it for me.”

“There’s still time to,” Yousef said, giving Elias a knowing look.

Elias gave him a half-smile. “Don’t worry about me and Noora. I’ve got it worked out.”

Yousef huffed, laughing. “Okay.”

“I can’t stand seeing you two miserable,” Elias said. “It’s like, a crime against nature or something.”

Yousef smiled, and then looked down for a minute. “So. I did want to… besides saying thank you I mean. I...”

“What?”

“I… know it must be weird, you know… me and Sana....”

“Hmm?”

“Because… well. She is your sister,” Yousef hesitated, frowning. “And… if I mess up, and something happens-”

Elias said, “That won’t happen.”

“Okay, but if it does-”

“We’re family,” Elias said, his voice like steel. “Regardless of what goes down between you two. Of course I want you to live happily ever after, give me a few nieces and nephews to spoil-”

Yousef cracked a smile. “Elias-”

“But you can always come to me, man, and I’ll help you figure it out, if shit goes down,” Elias said. “It’s always gonna be me and you, Yousef. Always.”

“Okay,” Yousef said. “Okay, I know.”

“Do you? You sure? Or do I have to beat the shit out of you for even questioning me?” Elias was grinning.

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Yousef shoved him gently.

“Okay, good.”

“You know I love you, right?”

“I love you too.”

Once they finished, the pair wandered downstairs. There was a huge spread of pastries, fruit, coffee and juice for them in the kitchen. The girls were already downstairs and eating. Yousef said good morning, trying not to stare and smile at Sana too hard, before wandering into the backyard. His grandfather was on his hands and knees, pulling weeds.

“Dede, let me help with that,” Yousef said immediately, walking over to his grandfather.

His grandfather looked up and batted his hand. “Yousef, your friends are here-”

“I’m sure they’re all tired from the trip, they can relax while I work on this,” Yousef said, frowning.

Dede frowned back at him. “That beautiful young lady comes all the way here, and you want to spend time in the dirt with an old man?”

Yousef opened his mouth, but was interrupted by Vilde’s loud voice. He turned to see everyone had wandered outside, food and drinks in hand.

“This place is beautiful!” she was practically yelling.

“Vilde, use your inside voice,” Noora said.

“Why? It’s not like we’re still inside,” Vilde pouted.

Yousef saw Sana look upward, as if asking for divine help, before she wandered over towards him. A small smile crept over her face and she looked at him shyly. Yousef grinned back at her. When she stopped a few feet away, they looked at each other dopily. Behind her, she could see his friends all elbowing each other and making kissy faces at him.

Sana cleared her throat, and glanced towards his grandfather. “Good afternoon, Mr. Acar.”

His grandfather grinned at her from the vegetable patch, switching to Arabic. “Good afternoon to you as well.”

She gestured. “Yousef mentioned his grandmother’s flowers, but didn’t say anything about your garden. It’s beautiful.”

“Thank you,” his grandfather practically glowed.

“Do you need any help?” she asked.

His grandfather huffed. “Stop, please. You’re on vacation, you and Yousef both-”

“I really don’t mind, I would love to help,” Sana said.

Yousef bit back a smile. “Ah, and what do you know about gardening?”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “If you can do it, it must not be too difficult.”

His grandfather laughed.

“Oh, I see, wow,” Yousef said. “You talk a big game, for someone who can’t even peel carrots properly-”

“Pulling carrots out of the ground has nothing to do with peeling them,” she insisted, a spark in her eye.

Noora and Vilde wandered over. Noora was blowing on her coffee, and Vilde was eating a banana.

Vilde said, “Halla, Grandpa Yossi!”

“Good afternoon,” Noora said, in slow, measured Arabic. “Would you like help?”

Yousef noticed as Sana whipped her head around to stare at her friend like she had grown tentacles.

“It’s good to know my grandson has such polite friends.” His grandfather laughed. “But, no. I’m going to actually stop, for now. It’s no good being out under the sun when it’s so high.”

Noora hesitated and said in Norwegian, “Okay, that was a little over my head.”

“It’s getting too hot to do any work,” Yousef translated. “So he’s going to stop for now.”

His grandfather stood up and dusted his pants off. Before Yousef could do anything else, Elias was right next to him. He passed his grandfather a cup of water, ice cubes clinking against the glass.

“Thank you, my boy,” his grandfather beamed at Elias.

He turned to Yousef and said in Turkish, “You can tell these two were raised right. I’ll be so happy when they become part of the family, after you marry Sana.”

Yousef choked on absolutely nothing. “Dede!”

His grandfather shrugged. “What? I can only assume, after how many ‘I love you's you said to one another last night.”

Yousef felt a wave of embarrassment wash over him, but he also wanted to laugh. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, before running his hands over the top of his snapback. His family and his friends were the absolute worse. None of them knew what the word ‘privacy’ meant.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed about, Yousef, your grandmother and I thought it was quite beautiful-”

“Nene heard too?”

“ - Well of course, we often take romantic strolls around the backyard late at night -”

Yousef groaned, and tried not to notice the curious look Sana was throwing him.

“ - But you know, you’re very much like myself, Yousef, you know, I wrote her some… how should I put this… racy letters myself, back when we first met-”

“Dede!”

“Oh, relax, we couldn’t understand most of it. But, my boy, I will tell you, reading poetry in Turkish was one of the moves I used to get your grandmother in-”

“Wow, okay!” Yousef yelped loudly, then began to speak Norwegian. “Why don’t - hey, everyone, let’s go do something, wow, yeah?”

Everyone stopped what they were doing to stare at him. Vilde dropped her banana peel on the ground. Sana’s eyebrows were raised high up to her hairline. Chris and Mutta slowly stopped their conversation to turn and stare at him. Adam and Mikael were snickering, even though neither of them could have understood the brief conversation.

His grandfather was chuckling almost manically as he walked back into the house, patting Yousef on the shoulder as he went.

“That sounds like a great plan,” Eva said hesitantly, shooting Yousef a confused look.

“Yeah, bro, let’s get this party started,” Elias said, throwing an arm around his shoulder. “Show us the Turkish countryside, man.”

“Yeah, and we should invite your grandfather,” Sana was smiling. “I want to hear all your embarrassing baby stories.”

Yousef blanched as Mutta cheered and Adam gave Sana a high-five.

 

+++

 

Sana didn’t know how such a chill day could be so exhausting. But it was a good kind of tired; she was content as she sat in the grass, stretching her legs out in front of her.

They had spent the day walking around Yousef’s grandparents’ neighborhood and some of the surrounding areas, Yousef acting as a tour guide. Sana loved looking at him as he lit up, talking about all the different pieces that meant so much to him and his family. Then once night was falling, they spent time in the backyard, everyone laughing and swapping stories. One by one, her friends went back into the house, trying to escape the bugs and the fading sunlight.

Now, it was only her and Elias, her brother lying on his back with his arms pillowing his head. Sana pulled at some grass, running her fingers through the separate stalks.

“I still can’t believe you did all of that - all of this,” Sana said, smiling down at him.

Elias winked up at her, and she knew he was trying to be charming to cover his feelings. “You’re welcome.”

“Elias.”

“What?”

“Don’t you think you’ve avoided this conversation long enough?”

He sighed. “Okay, okay. Let’s talk.”

“You… knew how much I liked Yousef. But if you knew he felt the same way, why didn’t you just talk to me?” She asked. “Why all this… secretive stuff?”

Elias sat up, and pulled his knees towards his chest. “Sana, come on.”

“Come on, what?”

Elias rolled his eyes. “Sana… Remember the first time I asked you if you liked Yousef? You couldn’t even admit it to me. And then when I tried to talk to you again about him, you said you were over him.”

Sana fidgeted. “Okay...”

“Exactly.” Elias pursed his lips. “I knew you liked him, but you never wanted to talk about it with me. I didn’t know if it was because I was your brother and he’s my best friend, or what. But you both just seemed so miserable. What else was I supposed to do? Neither of you were talking to each other and neither of you were talking to me.”

“So you… what? Called all our friends and plotted?”

“It wasn’t like that!” Elias paused. “Well. At first.”

Sana rolled her eyes.

Elias said, “It was a one-man job, I swear, when it started. But then Isak and Even found me out, then Jamilla, then your girls - and it all just evolved from there.”

Sana shook her head, smiling. “This is… unbelievable.”

“We all just wanted to see you happy. And actually communicating,” Elias said. “And look - all we really did was get you two in the same space. It was you two that got it together in the end.”

“Yeah,” Sana said, dimple popping out.

“Yeah is right,” Elias leaned in, nudging her shoulder with his own. “But I knew it. I knew you loved each other.”

“Okay, okay,” she said.

His face was serious for a moment. “But. I know it was borderline crossing the line. I do. And I’m sorry for the deception and stuff. But I’m glad it all worked out. You two… it’s like, you know, relationship goals.”

Sana grinned. “We are pretty awesome.”

“Yeah.”

Sana said, “It… you know… it wasn’t just you. That I… didn’t talk about my feelings to. Not…. not only about Yousef, either. I’ve… been trying to open up more, you know. Uhm. To you. And… the people who care about me.”

“I know,” Elias said.

“You… sometimes, it felt… feels… like you’re the charming one. The nice one, the open one. It… maybe this isn’t true, but I feel like… Mama and Baba are okay with you messing up. And I always have to be… strong. Stoic.” Sana coughed, feeling uncomfortable.

Elias didn’t say anything.

“I know that’s not… one hundred percent true,” she said. “But it… I… internalized a lot. And… am trying to learn how to care for myself better. Letting people in… Yousef, you… I’m trying.”

“Okay.” Elias said, quietly. “And I want you to be able to talk to me, about anything. Or if you don’t want to talk, that’s okay too. I’m here.”

Sana nodded, a knot in her throat. “Okay. Same.”

“Cool.”

“So… about you and Noora...” Sana said.

He shifted to glance down at her. Sana raised an eyebrow back at her brother.

“It’s a work in progress,” was all Elias said.

It didn’t seem like he wanted to talk any more, so Sana let the topic drop. Instead, she leaned against his arm, and he kissed the top of her head.

 

+++

 

“Okay, now the important thing is to never, ever accept the first price they throw at you, got it?” Fatima pointed at the group, a sharp look in her eyes. “They know you’re tourists. And they will cheat you!”

Noora cleared her throat. “But isn’t it supporting local artists? I don’t want to devalue their labor-”

“You, shh,” Fatima snapped.

Yousef tried to contain his laughter, wiping his hand across his mouth so Fatima wouldn’t see. Beside him, he felt Sana straighten her back, as if she were a soldier listening to a general speak.

The entire group, plus Yousef’s cousins - Fatima, Jamal, Ayda, Hassan and Ibrahim - were standing outside of the Nuruosmaniye Gate of the Grand Bazaar. It was just about two; Yousef’s stomach rumbled. They had an incredibly full day already, and he was starving.

His cousins had picked them up in four separate cars at about six in the morning, so that they could start a bright and early day wandering around Istanbul. Fatima made it her mission to make sure that his friends saw all of the “must see” sights through a local’s eyes.

They had spent the first part of the morning at Topkapı Palace, with Ibrahim speaking a mile a minute about the history of the place.

Yousef always had fun with his cousins, and he loved visiting all the historic sites, no matter how packed with tourists they were. There was just something about seeing old places with new feelings; he could spend hours just sitting and staring at one wall, the intricate designs flowing and forming something cohesive, like a dance.

And this time was no different, except that he got to see Sana take everything in for the first time. He loved watching her experience this city, all of the art. They had walked through the entire palace together, hands not quite touching, as she took everything in and he took in her. He knew that he took too many pictures of her, just standing off to the side and spending minutes staring at the architecture.

More than once, she caught him, but she didn’t seem to mind. She simply just turned to him, laughing.

Now, Fatima stood in front of everyone, head up and eyes steely. She spoke in rapid Norwegian, her accent flawless.

“They get more than triple the amount from the silly Americans who traipse around here!” Fatima said. “If you want to overpay, that’s your prerogative, but don’t expect me to stand idly by!”

“I like her,” Vilde whispered, eyes wide.

“She’s certainly a force of nature,” Adam agreed.

Fatima clapped. “Enough chit-chat! Let’s go!”

As Fatima twirled on her heel to march inside, Jamal leaned over and whispered something to Yousef in Turkish. Yousef slid his hand over his mouth again. When Sana turned to him, eyes questioning, he quirked his eyebrows at her.

“He said, ‘some things never change, bossy as ever,’” Yousef explained as they followed behind. “Fatima is only a year older than me, but she’s always been like this. Constantly the one planning and executing everything.”

Sana smiled.

And as they stepped inside the Grand Bazaar, Yousef watched her face closely. He saw the grin transform into something of beauty and awe.

He knew what she was feeling.

The first time he had ever been, as a child, he wasn’t sure where to look first. There must have been hundreds of people browsing and haggling, the pathways packed. He had gripped his mother’s hand tightly, opening his eyes wide to try and view everything all at once. The stalls were full of clothes, wallets, rugs, housewares, and decorations. Everything looked so colorful and intricately designed that his eyes had skipped around, trying to take everything.

Yousef smiled as Sana exclaimed at how beautiful everything was with Vilde, eyes wide. He was about to poke fun at her when Ibrahim pushed him out of the way and began to speak to Sana in Arabic.

“Did you know, Kapalıçarşı is considered one of the world’s first shopping malls?”

Sana smiled. “Oh, really?”

He nodded. “Yes. Construction first started in the 1450s, though it wasn’t until the seventeenth century that-”

“Yousef, you better watch your cousin,” Hassan said in Turkish, gently pushing his shoulder.

Yousef glared at Hassan and then Ibrahim, who simply laughed in his face.

“What?” Ibrahim asked, a sly grin crossing his face.

“You know what,” Yousef said in Turkish.

“What? I can’t chat up a beautiful girl?”

Yousef shot his cousin an unimpressed look.

This was Ibrahim’s signature move, and it had always kind of amused Yousef, until just now. Whenever he saw cute foreign girls, he would always talk up the history of the Bazaar, and then offer to show them a private tour. It always ended with him getting their numbers or going out to dinner.

Before Yousef could say anything else, Ibrahim and Hassan laughed. Just past them, Ayda was rolling her eyes.

“Stop flirting with Yousef’s girl,” she snapped at them in Turkish.

Yousef smiled at his oldest cousin; it fell off his face when she turned to roll her eyes at him.

“And you, lighten up. Sana is a beautiful girl, what, you expect no one to flirt with her ever?” She asked. “Hell, I’m about to flirt with her too, if you don’t get your act together.”

“Ayda!”

“What? I'll take that surprise you're planning and make it seem like I was the mastermind behind it all-”

“Okay, okay!” Yousef was disgruntled.

Sana was staring up at him with a smirk on her face, as if she didn’t need to know Turkish to know exactly what was going on. Beside him, Adam and Mutta were snickering.

Ibrahim switched back to Arabic to address Sana. “Well, it looks like you don’t need me to show you around, after all. But, if you want a special tour of the Kalpakcılar Caddesi, I’m at your disposal.”

Sana laughed, and shook her head. “Thanks, but I’m good.”

Ibrahim grinned back and walked over to Noora and Chris. He moved between them, placing his arms around both of their waists. Yousef had to stop herself from snorting when he saw the disgruntled and outraged looks on Elias’s and Mutta’s faces.

“Your cousin is a flirt, huh?” Sana asked, looking back up at him.

Yousef shook his head; his voice had a slight edge to it. “He just loves attention.”

Sana tilted her head, a smile teasing her lips. “Yousef, are you jealous?”

“No!” he said too quickly.

“Ah, okay,” Sana raised her eyebrows, nodding her head.

She licked her lips and looked away, grinning at some random vendor. Yousef felt a flush creep up his neck, and was about to apologize. He knew he was being silly; it was just his cousins messing with him. But then he felt something slowly brush the back of his hand. He glanced down; it was her fingertips, just barely caressing him. Yousef smiled, and laced his fingers with hers.

“I want to show you something,” he said. “My favorite shop.”

“Okay,” she said, but then glanced towards her friends.

The four of them were grinning back at her. Chris had both of her thumbs up. When Yousef glanced at his boys, they were all nodding at him in encouragement. Mikael shot him an exaggerated wink.

“We’ll be fine with our guides,” Noora said. She pretended to bat her eyelashes at Ibrahim.

Sana laughed. “Okay.”

Fatima’s voice was sharp. “Yousef! Meet us at the south gate in three hours. We have too many things to see today for you to lollygag!”

Yousef flapped his free hand in her direction and gently tugged Sana away from the group. Yousef made sure they walked slowly so that they could stop if anything caught Sana’s eye.

“Everything is so beautiful,” Sana said. “And it’s so different from Oslo.”

Yousef nodded. “This place… it definitely has its problems, you know? Like anywhere. But sometimes it’s hard for me to see that, when I’m only here once a year. Most of the time, I think I look around at it through rose-colored glasses.”

“Yeah?”

He nodded. “Like… you know, some of my family, not only my grandparents, have never left Turkey. Some of it is because it’s home, like, why leave? But some of it is fear. That even though things aren’t great here, it could be worse somewhere else. You know. Being Turkish, being Muslim.”

Sana nodded slowly. “Have you ever talked to your parents about that? Why they went to Norway?”

Yousef shook his head. “There’s… just some stuff we don’t talk about.”

Sana said quietly, “Yeah, I know. I wish I… my parents are so open about many things. But they don’t talk about Morocco often, you know, why they left. And I don’t know… it’s silly, but I don’t know how to bring it up. I guess it’s because - my mom especially - they sound so wistful, so sad but loving, you know? Talking about their childhoods.”

“Have you been?”

“No,” she shook her head. “But… I would love to go. You know, we could… uhm...”

Yousef grinned. “We?”

She pursed her lips and glanced away. “You and me. One day.”

His heart swelled. “One day.”

Her thumb was slowly sweeping against the back of his hand. “Okay.”

He smiled down at her. “Okay.”

“Do you ever… think about leaving Norway?” she glanced up. “Moving back here?”

He shook his head. “Not really, no. Though, I have family that has.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Fatima, actually. She was born in Norway. Her mom - my aunt - was the first one to leave Turkey.”

“Really?”

Yousef nodded. “That was the aunt that helped me get my job in the kindergarten. But as soon as Fatima was old enough, she came back here, to Istanbul. I think… she was searching for something. Maybe the magic of the summer, all year round. But I don’t know if she’s found it.”

“Do you think she’ll ever move back to Norway?”

He shook his head. “Even if she wanted to, she’d be too proud to do it, I think.”

They walked in silence for the rest of the walk, squeezing past other visitors, shoppers and tourists. The quiet between them felt comfortable, safe. It was one of the things Yousef loved about Sana, about their relationship. Even before they started dating, even when he was nervous around her, he could always just exist, the two of them. Yousef didn't know many people who didn't always want to fill the silence. Sana, who was so centered, so thoughtful, was the opposite of that. Yousef didn't have to worry about whether she was bored with their space; she always seemed to appreciate it too.

Yousef cleared his throat as they moved towards his favorite shop. From the outside, it looked like it might be closed. Heavy curtains were drawn across the threshold, just the barest hint of light poking out through the threads. A young boy, probably the owner’s son, sat on a chair outside of it, looking bored. He occasionally hollered at shoppers that they were open for business.

“Okay, you ready for this?” Yousef asked, stopping a few feet from the child.

Sana raised her eyebrows, a playful look crossing her face. “This, Yousef? It doesn't look like much at all. You sure this is it?”

“You're gonna eat your words, watch out,” he said, grinning back at her.

He let go of her hand for a moment to draw back one of the curtains, and gestured for her to step inside. She gave him an amused look, so similar to the one she threw at him in the kitchen, all those weeks ago -

_Twelve kids?_

And he laughed when he heard her soft gasp, and then followed her inside the shop. The curtain fell back behind them, and everything was illuminated.

All around them in the small, enclosed space were mosaic lamps and lanterns. The wares were the only light source in the shop, giving the entire place a soft, almost supernatural feeling to it. The stained glasses of the lights reflect an array of colors: yellows, reds, purples, and blues. Everywhere Yousef could turn there was a lamp, each one more intricately detailed than the last.

Sana gently reached up to touch a lamp just above her head. “Yousef. Wow.”

He stared at her openly, rocking back on his heels. “Yeah?”

She turned slowly in a circle. “These - this is amazing.”

He told her, “there are a lot of lantern shops here, but this one, it’s special to me. I actually got lost in here, once.”

She paused, turning her head to towards him. “Really?”

He nodded. “It was… probably? My first time in Istanbul. I must’ve been five or six. My mom had wanted to buy some cheap gifts for some of her friends back home, in Oslo. So we came here.”

“Oh no,” she said, breath catching, “She lost you? Here?”

“Yeah. She always says that I wandered off to take a nap somewhere quiet.”

Sana laughed.

“And I found this stall. I don’t know why this one, exactly. Maybe it just looked quiet from the outside. But I came in here, laid down on the floor, and slept.”

“How did your mom find you?” Sana shook her head. “She must’ve been scared out of her mind.”

“My aunt actually wandered in here and found me,” Yousef said. “She always says she couldn’t explain how or why, but she thought I might be in here.”

Sana tilted her head and smiled. “Have you come up with your canon yet?”

“Hmm?”

“Well, from your point of view, I want to know if that moment was fate or a coincidence.”

Yousef laughed. “I still haven’t figured that out yet. But you’ll be the first to know.”

 

+++

 

Sana was surprised to see Yousef’s grandfather out so late at night.

She double-checked the time on her phone; it was just about one in the morning. Even though she was exhausted from the day, she couldn’t sleep. So she snuck out of the room, trying not to wake anyone else up, to get some fresh air.

He was sitting in a folding chair next to the garden, head tilted back slightly to look at the stars. He had just a small lantern next to him. It was more like the kind one bought at a home renovation store, and less like the beautiful ones she and Yousef had spent hours staring at in the Bazaar. She blushed, thinking about it.

Yousef’s grandfather glanced up at her, smiling.

“Hello, dear,” he said in Arabic.

“Hi,” she called lightly. “Sorry to bother you-”

He waved his hand. “It’s no bother at all. Would you like to sit?”

Sana smiled and walked towards the empty chair next to him, perching on the edge of it. She glanced up at the sky. It was such a clear, dark night. The moon seemed within her reach.

“How have you been enjoying my country?” he asked.

Sana glanced back down. “It’s beautiful. Thank you so much again for having all of us-”

“We wouldn’t have had it any other way,” he said. “And it’s nice to see my grandson smiling again.”

Sana blushed.

“You know, I don’t like to pry into my grandchildren’s lives-”

The way he said it made Sana think that was exactly what he liked to do.

“-So I won’t nag you. But I will say, I am glad to have met you. Yousef had told us so many wonderful things.”

“Thank you,” she said sincerely. “And Yousef - he’s - well. You know him. He’s amazing.”

“He takes after his grandmother that way.”

Sana laughed.

“I know she’s very excited to show you all around the mosques tomorrow,” he said. “She’s quite the religious history buff. I always thought she should be one of those directors, you know, the ones who argue for money to preserve all those old sites. She’d be great at it. She can convince you in two seconds how important they are.”

“Ah? Then I’m excited for her tours,” Sana said.

He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. “I always thought it was interesting, how devoted her for those buildings is, especially considering she’s not Muslim.”

Sana was nodding along, but then froze. She blinked at him for a moment, sure she had heard him wrong.

She leaned in, trying to make sure she understood clearly. “Excuse me?”

“My wife isn’t Muslim.”

“Eh?” she stared at him. “She’s not?”

“No.”

“But - but you’re Muslim.”

“Yes.”

“And - and you’re so devout,” she blurted out. “You - you even cover your hair.”

“Why, yes. Yes I do.”

He seemed content not to offer any more information, and began to just hum quietly. Sana stared at him baldly, trying to process this information. She had been sure that both of Yousef’s grandparents were Muslim. And why wouldn’t she have been? Sure, she didn’t know them very well. She had never talked to his grandmother about Islam or see her pray or anything. And yes, she didn’t cover, but many believers didn’t.

Sana frowned, thinking for a few moments. She wasn’t really sure why she was so surprised. Was it their age, or maybe because this was Turkey? That had to be it. She knew plenty of Muslim and non-Muslim couples, but most of them were young. It was strange that someone in a much older generation would be married and both wouldn’t have the same faith.

It slowly began to dawn on her that he was telling her this for a reason.

“So...” Sana licked her lips. “You’re Muslim, and she’s not. You knew that, when you first got married?”

He nodded. “She was raised Muslim, of course. But at that point, she wasn’t Muslim any more.”

“And you married her anyway?”

He laughed, and Sana blushed.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t - that came out wrong.”

“No, no, it’s okay. I did. My parents knew, and they warned me against it. Said it would be difficult to be with someone who didn’t share the same values.”

“Yeah.”

“And I told them, Allah or not, we did have the same values, and I love her, and I’m doing it anyway.” he squinted. “Just as you and Yousef, it seems, have the same values.”

Sana smiled. “Ah. But it’s very different for Muslim men to marry non-Muslim women, isn’t it?”

“That is so.” He nodded. “But, it’s not impossible.”

“I guess not.” Her voice was soft. “Why… why doesn’t she believe?”

He thought for a moment. “For her, it’s not about belief. It was about the rules. She sees Islam - organized religion in general - as something that is too constricting. There were too many tenants on restricting yourself to be good, rather than how to love in abundance.”

“Do you think that?”

“No,” he shook his head. “But I do agree with her, that we all need to work from a place of love, rather than a place of fear.”

Sana nodded slowly.

“You know… you and Yousef are young, and that can be scary. But it’s also wonderful. It gives you room to learn from one another and grow together. That’s important for any relationship,” he said.

“Yes.”

“And, just because two people share the same faith, that doesn’t mean they share the same faith,” he said. “If you understand my meaning.”

Sana didn’t say anything; she did know what he meant.

He smiled. “But what do I know? I'm an old man with a romantic heart."

Sana smiled, tilting her head back to look at the stars again. Yousef’s grandfather began to say something in Turkish; it sounded like it had a cadence to it. Sana closed her eyes to listen, even though she had no idea what he was saying.

He switched back to Arabic. “‘A true lover doesn’t follow any one religion, be sure of that. Since in the religion of love, there is no irreverence or faith. When in love, body, mind, heart and soul don’t even exist. Become this, fall in love, and you will not be separated again.”

Sana squinted at him for moment. “Rumi?”

“Yes. There are many wonderful Turkish poets, but you know, I have a special place in my heart for Mevlâna.” He smiled. “My wife recited this to me, on our wedding day.”

“His work is about Allah, you know,” Sana said. “He was a theologian.”

He paused for a moment. “I think… that we find Allah in all of the forms of love we stumble into in our lives. And that… it is something of a prayer in itself, a blessing that we bring to one another.”

Sana rubbed her lips together for a moment. “Thank you, for sharing with me. For - just. Thank you.”

He rose from his chair, and inclined his head at her.

“The pleasure was all mine. Thank you for indulging an old man,” he said. “Now, it’s time for me to go to bed.”

Sana smiled and said goodnight, watching him walk back into the house with a slow, steady gait. It reminded Sana of Yousef. Their forms and their easy way of walking were extremely similar.

She didn’t know how long she sat near the garden, quietly regarding the moon.

There were a million questions she had wanted to ask Yousef’s grandfather, but hadn’t known where to start. What did they do when they argued about the big things, like how to raise children or what to do if one of them died? Did he feel lonely, his love so separated from his faith? Did they ever talk about feeling faithless, and how did they support each other in those times?

She wondered if Yousef and his grandmother had ever talked about Islam.

She sighed, but didn’t feel too overwhelmed, just pensive.

This was something that she and Yousef would have to tackle as their relationship grew. And even though it was daunting thing, she felt almost settled. Maybe it was the ambiance of the night or the rush she always felt when she thought of Yousef. Maybe it was sitting here, with someone who knew what it was like. An elder, who like her parents, seemed to only want their young ones to be protected and healthy.

She shifted, getting up from her seat to go back inside. But as she moved, she heard voices, speaking in low tones. She glanced towards the house and saw nothing. Frowning, she walked closer towards the backdoor. The voices sounded closer; it was then she realized the sounds were wafting down from the balcony. She paused just underneath it, recognizing Elias’s and Noora’s voices.

“-Alone. I didn’t realize you were out here,” Elias, sounding apologetic. “I just needed some air.”

“No, it’s okay,” Noora said quickly. “I just can’t really sleep.”

A huff. “Me either.”

“I was looking for Sana. I thought she might be out here, with Yousef.”

“No, he’s knocked out in the room.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Sana wondered if she should make some noise so they knew she was below them. Maybe call up to them, so they could come down to where she was?

“Elias,” Noora’s voice was softer now. “I- uhm. I miss talking to you.”

“I’m right here,” he said. “Remember what I said, outside Even’s? You know how to find me.”

“I - wait, that was serious?” She laughed. “That just sounded like such a line, you know that?”

Elias laughed too, but it sounded strained. “Okay, except, I don’t think I deserve that.”

“I’m - sorry, no you don’t,” Noora said. “You’re right.”

They were quiet for a long moment. Sana fidgeted. She really should make some noise. Or go inside, and pretend that she didn’t hear any of this-

“Noora, if you have something to say, spit it out, already,” Elias said.

“I-” Noora cleared her throat. “Okay. Spit it out? Okay.”

Sana swallowed; that didn't sound good.

“The last time we texted, you were a complete ass. Then we spend nine hours together in the front seat, and you refuse to talk to me! So yeah, you said I know how to find you, but it’s not like you were putting out much!”

“Uh-” Elias was floundering.

Sana could only imagine the look on his face.

“Oh, okay, great, ‘uh,’” Noora said. “And - you know, I was actually going to apologize to you, about how I acted in the hallway, that day-”

“You don’t have to,” Elias said, sounding confused. “You never have to apologize about that, I was the one who-”

“I said I was going to, but I changed my mind. I have nothing to be sorry for!”

“I - okay,” Elias said. “I agree.”

“Okay, good!”

“Okay?”

“And - furthermore, you said that you jump in for your people. And - well, after that talk, even though you said I was, I didn’t feel like - like your people anymore.”

“You are, Noora, you are-”

“You said you wanted to be there for me, but you weren’t. I felt like I couldn’t even talk to you,” Noora sounded angry. “Even though, over a short few weeks, we became friends!”

“We are friends, Noora-”

“Oh, are we?”

Elias sounded desperate. “We - fuck. Yes. Fuck yes, we are. You’re right. I should have reached out. I knew you were going through something and I - shit. I just. I was dumb. My ego was hurt. I’m sorry. It was my fault.”

It took so long for Noora to answer that Sana thought she left.

“What did you just say?”

“I-”

“You just said it was your fault.”

“I - yes-”

“It was your fault!” Noora sounded downright gleeful.

“Are you okay?”

“You’re not trying to convince me that it was my bad, or that I was too judgmental or that I didn’t try to see it your way, or that I overreacted!”

“Uh… do you… want me to do that?”

“What? No, don’t be dense.”

Elias’s voice was hesitant. “Okay.”

“You’re right, it was your fault,” Noora said. “But, mine too. So I’m sorry as well.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“We cool, then?”

“Yeah. Yeah, we’re cool.”

“I’m glad.” His voice got low. “I missed you, too.”

“You know… I broke up with Willhelm.”

“Who?”

Noora laughed. “Exactly.”

Sana decided this was her time to exit and give them some actual privacy. She slowly crept towards the door, and slunk back inside the house as quietly as she could.

 

+++

 

Yousef tipped his head back, enjoying the sunshine on his face. He was only half-listening to the conversation happening around him as the group waited in the Hippodrome. They were right outside the Blue Mosque, waiting for Sana and Mutta to come back out after midday prayer.

They had already seen the New Mosque and the Rüstem Pasha Mosque, and were going to get lunch before visiting the Hagia Sophia. His grandmother was in her element, pointing out all the architectural history and cultural influences in all of the mosques. Yousef had been a bit worried that his friends would be bored with all of the tours, but they seemed fascinated. Sana’s girls especially seemed to be taking a special interest in learning more about the mosques.

“The Sultanahmet Camii is often referred to as the last great mosque of the classical period of Ottoman Empire,” his grandmother was saying, in response to a question Eva had asked.

“It’s so cool to see all the different, like, cultural diffusion that happened, especially in these holy places,” Noora said. “It reminds me of being in Spain, a bit? How so many of the churches clearly have Islamic influences-”

Yousef closed his eyes, about to tune out the conversation entirely.

“Yousef,” Elias said next to him, jostling him in the arm.

“What?” he cracked his eyes open.

“You know we have to go back to Oslo the day after tomorrow, right?” he said.

“Vilde and I gotta get back to work,” Mikael said.

“Yeah, and I got to get back to the cuties,” Adam grinned.

Yousef scoffed as Elias rolled his eyes. Mikael pushed Adam so hard he almost fell off of the bench.

“Yeah, I know,” Yousef said.

“So...” Elias gestured with his hands.

“So, what?”

“Sana came all the way here to tell you she loves you,” Mikael said. “You have to do a grand gesture!”

“A grand gesture?”

“I swear, you’d think we taught you nothing,” Elias sounded disgusted.

“You know, you gotta plan something special for her. Dinner or something,” Adam said. “You gotta show her you appreciate her.”

Understanding dawned on Yousef. “What? You think I don’t have something planned? Come on. I’m Yousef.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what’s worrying us,” Mikael said.

“‘Here, Sana, I plucked these flowers from my grandmother’s garden for you,’” Adam mocked. “‘And I got some leftovers for us to eat, too.’”

Yousef gave them a blank expression. “Wow. Okay. You think so little of me?”

“You have no game,” Adam said.

“Negative game,” Mikael added.

“If it wasn’t for us, and my sister being so brave, you still wouldn’t be dating, man,” Elias said. “So you gotta step it up.”

“All of you can shut up, I got this,” Yousef said.

Adam looked skeptical. “You sure? Cause-”

“Man, yeah I’m sure!” Yousef felt himself getting heated. “I’m the most romantic out of all of us!”

“Nah, that’s Even,” Mikael said.

“Yeah, that’s true, he’s smooth as fuck,” Adam said.

Elias nodded, agreeing. “Boy’s got game.”

“Okay, okay, after Even, I’m the most romantic,” Yousef rolled his eyes.

Adam looked like he was seriously considering this claim. “Eh, I don’t know, that might be Mikael-”

“Look, I got this,” Yousef interrupted. “Why don’t all of you just - do me this favor, and trust? I got it covered. Just make yourselves scarce tomorrow.”

“Wow, confident man,” Adam said. “Hope you can deliver.”

“Okay, okay, if my boy says he’s got it, he’s got it,” Elias said.

Yousef nodded at Elias, and caught Sana walking towards them out of the corner of his eye. She looked so calm and radiant, the sunshine surrounding her like a hug. His breath almost caught in his throat as she caught his gaze, a sweet smile gracing her lips.

Oh yeah. He definitely had this.

 

+++

 

Something was up.

Sana was trying her best to remain engaged inside the Hagia Sophia - arguably one of the most beautiful buildings she had ever been in - but there was something that was bothering her. Something about her friends that didn’t seem quite… right.

She glanced at all of her girls, trying to figure out what it was. Eva was standing off to the side, alone, a tour book in hand as she gazed at the Emperor Alexander mosaic. Noora was a few feet away, leaning in close to Elias and Adam as she listened to Yousef’s grandmother talk about the decor. Vilde and Chris, were quietly looking up at the ceiling, Chris’s arm outstretched as she pointed out a detail. Chris leaned in to say something, and Vilde just nodded solemnly.

That’s when it finally hit Sana.

When was Vilde ever, in the years that Sana had known her, solemn?

This entire trip, her friends had been - well. Not to be mean about it, but they’d been respectful, serious and really going the extra mile.

First, there was the fact that they had plotted out all of the times she would have to pray on the road. And then, there was Vilde speaking in simple Turkish phrases and Noora and Eva suddenly seeming to know basic Arabic. Not once had they complained about not eating meat, and had only ordered vegetarian options when at restaurants, always offering Sana a bit of their food.

And then today, without being prompted, all four of them had dressed in long skirts and sleeves that covered their arms. They had even all pulled out their own scarves and wrapped them around their hair when before entering any of the mosques. She hadn’t heard one of them make an inappropriate or casually Islamophobic comment all day, even when asking questions about the holy sites.

Sana stood with her lips pursed, staring openly at Vilde.

It’s not that she didn’t appreciate it.

And it’s not that she wanted to feel confused.

But she had no idea what was going on.

She knew that her friends tried, they really did. It was just… that they often forgot central tenets that seemed like basic knowledge to Sana, or asked questions that made her blood boil and drove her back to being bullied in middle school. She loved them, and they accepted her, so she tried to be patient and kind. More often than not, she knew she wasn’t. She made too many sarcastic comments, just tired of having to explain herself over and over again.

So, to be here, now, in one of the most holy sites of Islam - she really had no idea what was happening.

It made her feel torn. Because part of her wondered where this thoughtfulness was for the past two years. And the other part of her felt guilty and foolish. Why was she focusing on the negative, instead of being happy in the now?

Vilde caught her eye and sent her a small smile before wandering over.

“Isn’t this beautiful, Sana? I’ve never seen a more-”

“Cut the bullshit, Vilde,” Sana said, voice coming out harsher than she intended.

Vilde paused, her eyes wide. “Sana, I don’t - are you allowed to say that in here?”

“I’m Muslim, I can say anything I want in a mosque,” Sana said. “Shit. Fuck. Damn.”

Vilde nodded quickly, like she was learning something new. “Oh, okay. I didn’t know-”

“Vilde!” Sana was on the verge of glaring, though she didn’t know why, really. “I was being sarcastic. Of course I shouldn’t be using profanity in here-”

“Oh, right,” Vilde blushed. “Right.”

“What is happening here?” Sana finally blurted out.

“What do you mean?” Vilde frowned.

“I can't be bothered!”

“Huh?”

Sana took a deep breath and stared for a moment. “Look. I’m not trying to be - uhm, mean, or ungrateful or anything-”

“Am I doing something wrong?” Vilde looked horrified for a moment. “I’m sorry, I tried doing the research-”

“No!” Sana groaned. “You’re doing everything exactly right. That’s the problem!”

“I - I don’t think I understand,” Vilde said hesitantly.

“How - when did you learn Turkish? Why do Eva and Noora keep saying ‘good morning’ in Arabic? Where did these scarves come from? I had no idea you even owned a floor-length skirt-” once she got started, Sana had trouble stopping her rant.

A look of understanding crossed Vilde’s face, and then she looked crestfallen. “Wow.”

“I - sorry,” Sana was suddenly embarrassed.

“No, no, don’t be,” Vilde said quickly. “I - we’re sorry.”

“Huh?”

Vilde took a deep breath. “Sana… I think… okay. How do I say this? Do you remember your Eid party?”

“Yeah?” Sana frowned.

“Well, when you invited us, we - we all kind of realized we had no idea what Eid was,” Vilde admitted. “And we ran around trying to figure out what to buy for you, what to wear, what it even was about. That all… it made me… made us… realize that we didn’t know about this massive part of your life. Being Muslim… it’s so important to you. And us - your best friends - had no idea about any of it.”

“Oh…”

“You know, I was embarrassed, a little, at the party,” Vilde said. “That Eskild and Linn dressed in traditional clothing and had the proper kind of present, and it didn’t occur to any of us to wear a scarf or ask your brother about any of it.”

Sana’s throat was dry. “I - I didn’t expect-”

“I know that. But we should have done all of that anyway. As soon as we became friends, we should have started doing that,” Vilde said. “Asking questions and actually retaining things. Not making stupid assumptions.”

Sana’s voice was soft. “Vilde.”

“Not to say that we’re, you know, perfect now, or that we won’t keep asking dumb questions,” Vilde said quickly. “But I think we all realized we were seriously slacking. And… you know… coming to Turkey, we thought… well… maybe it would be nice for you to not have to worry about everything by yourself. It must be a lot, constantly having to know when to pray or ask if you can eat something or remind us to not curse in a holy site-”

Sana felt a small smile cross her face, as most of her previous confusion and annoyance faded.

“Anyway. That’s what’s been up,” Vilde said. “Please don’t be mad. We weren’t trying to keep this from you, too.”

“I’m not mad,” Sana promised.

“Okay, good. Because we love you. And we’re going to try, really try,” Vilde said. “And I’m sorry we haven’t been doing that from the beginning.”

“It’s okay.”

Vilde smiled. “And you know, it’s been… the more I learn about Islam, the more I understand why you love it so much. Why you’re so devoted. It’s… beautiful.”

“Vilde,” her voice was soft, and Sana knew she was on the verge of tears. “Vilde, thank you.”

Vilde leaned into her arm, resting her head on Sana’s shoulder.

“How much Turkish did you learn, anyway?” Sana asked.

“Just basic phrases,” Vilde answered. “Why?”

“Well, there's this one thing I wanted to learn how to say…”

 

+++

 

While Sana showered, Yousef wandered into the kitchen. His grandmother was sitting at the table, coffee in one hand and a book open on the table. She looked up when he walked in, smiling over her mug.

“Nene,” Yousef said, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

“Yousef,” his grandmother said.

He pulled out one of the chairs and grabbed an apple off of the table.

“I had a lovely time with your friends yesterday,” she said. “Thank you for including an old woman.”

Yousef grinned. “Nene, you were the star of the show. I’m sure they all like you much better than they like me now.”

She waved her hand. “Look at you, trying to flatter an old woman.”

“It’s all true,” he said.

She shook her head like she didn’t believe one word coming out of his mouth.

“Your grandfather told me he had a nice evening chat with Sana,” she said.

Yousef furrowed his brow. “He did?”

She nodded slowly. “She seems very special. I’m happy you’ve found someone so thoughtful and beautiful, Yousef.”

“Me too, Nene.”

“And you’re very serious about her?”

“I’m in love with her.”

She smiled, but there was sadness behind it. “Her people, do they know you’re not Muslim?”

Yousef sighed.

He and his grandmother had talked about religion often. She was the first person he told when he started doubting; to his surprise, she encouraged him to go back to the Quran and try to find peace and faith in it. He felt that she really understood his struggle, in a way no one else did. When he felt like he couldn’t really talk to anyone else, he could talk to his grandmother.

“Yeah, Nene, they know.”

“And?”

“And...” he scrubbed his hand over his the back of his hair. “I don’t know. Elias supports us, and I think her parents do as well.”

“For now,” she said.

Yousef glanced away.

“This is not to disparage you, my love,” she said gently.

“I know, Nene.”

“It's important for both of you to think about these things.”

“I have been thinking about them,” he said. “And I know she has too. But for now… it seems like it’ll be okay.”

She nodded. “Okay.”

She took a sip of her coffee, not pushing the subject.

“I actually…”

“Hmm?”

“There's something else I've been wondering about more.”

“Yes?”

He asked, “Were you ever scared that one day, Dede would need you to believe something, to do something, and you wouldn’t be able to provide it?”

His grandmother titled her head. “Ah.”

“I love her faith. It's so important to who she is. But I don't believe, the way she does. And I'm scared of changing that in her. And I'm scared of letting her down, when she needs me to uplift her most.”

“When your grandfather and I started dating, we both went into it with our eyes open. He knew I wasn't a traditional woman, in the ways that he always thought his wife would be. And I knew how important is faith was.”

Yousef nodded.

“And at the risk of sounding like him, like an old romantic… it has still worked, Yousef. You can support someone how they need without believing in the same thing.”

“Yeah.”

“And Yousef… you are young. Who is to say that Sana won't help guide you in your own faith?”

“I just don't want to be the reason she loses hers.”

“Then when she's doubting, remind her why it's so important to her in the first place.”

“It's not so simple, Nene,” he paused. “Is it?”

She shrugged. “Being committed to someone, truly committed, while it might feel simple, is never truly easy. It's about work, not just sweet poetry and holding hands.”

“Yeah.”

“Will you be together forever? This I can't promise. But I know your heart, Yousef. In many ways, you're more like your grandfather than like me. What is it Jamal used to call you? Ah, yes. A dork.”

“Nene,” Yousef smiled.

She patted his hand. “So don’t be too hard on yourself. Enjoy the moments as they come.”

“Okay.”

Yousef could hear someone bounding down the stairs, and a few moments later, Sana appeared. She looked tired but radiant; Yousef’s heart squeezed.

“So what are you two doing today?” his grandmother asked in Arabic, casually switching topics.

“Yousef says it’s a surprise,” Sana told her.

“Ah, yes,” his grandmother said. “Just like Abdul.”

Yousef kissed his grandmother goodbye, and he and Sana went on their way. He was excited that it would be just him and Sana, exploring Istanbul alone.

Yousef drove his grandparent’s truck. They spent the entire ride laughing and listening to music, stealing glances and holding hands across the dashboard. Once they got to the city, Yousef parked in a nearby suburb, and they walked the rest of the way to their destination.

“Yousef, what is this?” Sana’s eyes sparkled.

Yousef couldn’t contain his grin as Sana stared at the building in front of them, her mouth open. They stood near the giant globe right outside of the entrance, the metal of it glistening in the sun. She turned first to look at the entrance sign, and then blinked right up at him, a look of glee on her face.

“This,” he said, gesturing towards the entrance, “is the Istanbul Museum of the History and Science of Technology in Islam.”

“Museum of...” Sana trailed off, her eyes growing soft.

“Ready to go in?”

Yousef had never actually been to this museum before, and he was glad that he waited to go with Sana. Seeing her light up, discussing all of the exhibits, was worth every moment. They spent hours roaming the halls, lingering over all of the reconstructions and contraptions. His heart practically swelled with pride every time they stopped at a medical innovation, and Sana stopped to talk about how different things were today.

They paused beside a water clock replica, modeled after one found in the Qarawiyyin mosque in Morocco. Sana leaned in, peering at one of the displays showing the position of the stars.

“This place...” Sana trailed off. “This is perfect, Yousef.”

“I know,” he smirked.

She whipped her head around, mock glaring at him. “Oh, you know, huh?”

“Yes,” he said. “Because I know you.”

When she smiled at him, her dimples popped out. Yousef felt his heart thudding in his chest, and all he wanted to do was lean in and kiss her. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, and press his hands into her lower back, pushing her into him. He wanted to be able to feel all of her, pressed against his body, her soft sighs in his ears -

“You know, how I want to be a surgeon?”

“Hmm?”

He focused his gaze back on her face, telling himself to breathe.

“I said, you know how I want to be a surgeon?”

“Yes.”

“For me… sometimes… medicine feels calming. I haven’t actually been in an operating room or anything, but hearing my father talk about it, or doing my own schoolwork on it… it gives me a certain clarity, you know? Kind of the same kind I get when I pray.”

Yousef nodded, waiting for her to continue.

“And… I think a lot of people don’t… get that? Or don’t want to get it. To me...” she paused, looking back at the clock. “Religion and science, there’s no separation. It’s all about, or it should be, about doing right by other people. Making the world the best that you can.”

“I can see that,” Yousef said slowly.

“Yeah. Like… you know, the Hippocratic oath? It comes from Greece, right, and it doesn’t really have anything to do with Islam. But the message behind it - to do no harm, to care for others, to respect life - it’s so similar to the message of Allah. They go hand in hand. So, how could I not want to be a doctor? You know?” She smiled, almost bashfully.

“I...” Yousef swallowed. “I wish more religious people thought like that. Especially ‘do no harm.’”

“They do, I think,” Sana said quietly. “And if they don’t, they’re not really religious.”

“Yeah.” Yousef’s voice was quiet.

“And this place… it sort of… proves how close the ties between science and religion are, don’t you think?” Sana asked. “All of the things in here, they were created by people who followed Islam and were doing exactly what the tenants tell us to. Be good, create, have compassion. Figure out how to make the world better than we came into it.”

Yousef inclined his head. “I wonder how many were scientists because of Islam, or found Islam because of science.”

Sana nodded slowly. “I don’t know if it has to be either or.”

They walked towards the next exhibit, the backs of their hands brushing.

“I love this, all of it,” Sana said, her voice almost a whisper. “I love you.”

Yousef couldn’t stop the grin that spread across his face if he wanted to. “I love you too.”

 

+++

 

They walked across the Galata Bridge slowly. Sana had her face turned towards the water, taking in the beauty of the sunset and the skyline. She could smell the food wafting up from all the cafes under the bridge, and felt her stomach rumble. Yousef walked closely to her, a steady hand burning through her top as he placed it on the small of her back.

“Hungry?” he asked, glancing down at her.

She nodded. “Did you want to try out one of the cafes?”

He shook his head no. “Next time.”

“Next time, huh?” she asked, a smile playing on her face.

He grinned back. “What, you think that just because you’ve been here once, you don’t need to come back again? There’s so much of Turkey I haven’t shown you yet.”

She dipped her tongue out between her lips. “And who says I want you to be the one to show me around again?”

“Wow, okay, so I put in all this work, and you don’t appreciate my tour guide skills?” he smirked.

“I mean, they were fine, I guess. Though I’m sure I can find someone else with more connections, you know, show me the lavish side of the country...”

“Oh yeah? Like who?”

She grinned sharply. “I hear Stephen Curry has always wanted to visit.”

“Stephen Curry?” He huffed. “Oh, okay. The man leaves you to go off to the Caribbean, and you still want to travel with him. Wow. I’m hurt, truly.”

She laughed.

“You say that now, but wait,” Yousef said. “I have one more thing to show you, then I promise you’ll be asking, ‘Stephen who?’”

“You’re that confident, huh?”

He simply shrugged, not answering her. But the smile never left his face.

They stepped off the bridge, and she followed him through the winding streets of Istanbul. The sun was almost fully set, and the city lights were illuminating everything around them. They kept going deeper into the city, until Yousef stopped at an apartment building. Sana glanced at him, furrowing her brow.

He didn’t stop to look at her, simply pulled a set of keys out of his jeans and let himself into the building. He held the door open for Sana, and she tentatively stepped inside.

“What is this, Yousef?” she asked.

“Shh,” he said, leading her over to the elevator.

“Yousef…”

“You trust me, right?”

Sana looked at him suspiciously. He had a blank look on his face, but she could see his mouth pulling up slightly at the corners, like he was laughing at her.

They got off on the third floor, and Yousef led the way down the hall. Sana sniffed; something smelled delicious, full of spices. She was pleased when they stopped in front of the door that the smell seemed to be coming from. Yousef unlocked it, and gestured for Sana to step inside.

The apartment seemed small but cozy. Everything, from the paintings on the walls to the throw pillows on the couch, was vibrant with colors. The lights were dim, and a few candles were lit around on bookshelves and the television stand. There was a low coffee table in front of the couch, filled to the brim with different bowls of rice, sauces, vegetables, breads, and what looked like baklava.

Yousef shut the door behind them, and Sana looked at him in surprise. They both kicked their shoes off. He led her over to the couch. She sat, a bit stunned, as he glanced around before picking up a remote control. He began to click a few buttons with one hand, gesturing towards the food with another. Sana immediately began to make plates for the both of them; everything looked delicious.

“What - what is this?”

“This is date night,” Yousef said, grinning.

“Whose place is this?”

“Ayda’s,” he said. “She was nice enough to give me the apartment for a few hours.”

“Right,” Sana said, faintly.

“Ah, here,” Yousef said, grinning.

Sana thought he looked so pleased with himself, and she had to admit, he should be. Her heart was pounding swiftly, and she was almost drunk with how much she was in love with him. The day had already been so perfect, just the two of them, in the museum and then wandering around the city. And now, he had planned something like this? Something small, and intimate, just the two of them, comfortable and chilling -

“What? Is this… is this not okay?” A look of concern crossed his face.

“No, this is- when did you even have time to set this all up?” Sana asked. “This is wonderful.”

He smiled. “Anything for you, girl.”

Her entire body felt like it was on fire as she just stared at him. The smile slowly slid off his face into something tenderer, more intimate. He leaned forward slowly, placing both of his hands on her cheeks gently. Sana’s breath caught in her throat, and she tilted her face up. Their lips met, soft as gentle, and Sana forgot what breathing even was.

Sana leaned closer to him, pressing her mouth more firmly against his. Almost of their own volition, her arms began to move. One of her hands slid onto his thigh, gripping the toned muscle. Her other hand crept around his waist, her fingers tightly clenching his shirt. He tilted his head slightly, his lips opening slowly against hers. As his tongue slid against hers, she made a noise in the back of her throat.

Well.

When Yousef pulled away, it was with an embarrassed cough. They stared at each other for a few minutes, just breathing.

“Sorry,” he said, voice ragged. “Uhm. Where were we?”

Sana flicked her tongue over her bottom lip, trying to think clearly.

“Huh? Oh. Oh. Uhm. The movie?”

“Right. I hope you haven’t seen this one,” Yousef asked, gesturing towards the screen. “I’ll admit, I’m not that big of a horror fan, but Chris said you liked vampires, and Jamal suggested this one-”

Sana dragged her eyes away from him to look at the television. It looked like a DVD menu screen was up.

“A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night,” she read, and then shrugged. “No, I haven’t seen this. What’s it about?”

He grinned at her. “Oh, you’ll see.”

“Hmm. Okay.”

“Promise me that you’ll hold my hand though, at the really scary parts,” he said seriously. “I’m only gonna be tough cause you’re here.”

She laughed. “I promise.”

 

+++

 

It was a little past midnight by the time they rolled up Yousef’s grandparent’s driveway. The house was dark when they got back from the city; only one table lamp was on in the living room. Yousef took Sana by the hand and led her upstairs, his body knowing by memory which steps creaked the most and where he avoid the bump in the carpet.

They stopped outside of the girls’ room; Yousef could barely see Sana’s face. But he stared into the darkness anyway, not wanting the night to end. There was a pang in his chest at the thought of her leaving. He knew he would just see her in a few more days anyway, once he flew back to Oslo. But… the time they had together, here, in his family’s home, it was so special. He still couldn’t believe that she - that all of his friends - had made the trip out.

His entire body was aching; he wanted to pull her close to him and hold onto her.

“I guess this is goodnight for now,” he said instead, dropping her hand.

“Or...”

“Hmm?”

Sana sighed, and her voice was barely a whisper. “I know we have a long drive tomorrow, but I’m not very tired.”

Yousef smiled. “We don’t have to go to sleep yet.”

“No?”

“It’s nice outside,” he said.

He was sure she was smiling back at him. “Oh yeah?”

“Follow me.”

He turned towards the balcony doors, pushing back the curtain as quietly as he could. He looked down at Sana as he opened the door, his heart beating faster at her face, illuminated by the soft yellow glow. She was so damn beautiful, staring back up at him, a slight smile on her face. He wondered if he would always feel this way, his breath catching, every time he looked at her.

They stepped out onto the porch and he turned his head away, only to jump in surprise. Sana furrowed her brow and turned as well; she immediately balked.

Mutta and Chris were outside, making out.

Chris was leaning against the railing that wrapped around the balcony. Mutta was standing between her thighs, one of her legs wrapped around his. Her hands were fisted in his hair and, from what Yousef could see, one of his hands was underneath her shirt. Mutta’s head was thrown back slightly, and Chris was mouthing down his neck. And then -

Mutta moaned.

“Oh, fuck,” the words tumbled out of Yousef’s mouth before he could stop them.

The couple in front of him froze.

Yousef wanted to die.

He didn’t dare look at Sana.

Mutta slowly turned his head, his entire face flushed with embarrassment. Chris slowly opened her eyes and stared at Yousef and Sana, the leg she had wrapped around Mutta sliding down.

The four of them stared at each other for what felt like an eternity.

“Well,” Mutta started to say, and then stopped abruptly.

“You’re still touching my boob,” Chris informed him.

Mutta began to cough uncontrollably, practically ripping his hand away from Chris. He tried to move away from her, but then tripped over his own feet. Yousef didn’t know what to do as Chris brought her hand up to her mouth, like she was trying not to laugh at him.

Yousef rubbed at the back of his head, playing with his bandana. He spared a glance down at Sana through the corner of his eye. She had a bored look on her face, like she often had to witness her friends making out with their significant other.

“Are you done, then?” she asked.

Yousef almost choked on his spit. Mutta’s face turned a shade of red that Yousef had never seen before in his life. He stood, half turned away from them, as he discreetly tried to adjust himself in his basketball shorts. Yousef turned his eyes upward towards the ceiling.

“Eh,” Chris said, pushing off of the railing. “Things were just starting to get good. Your timing is shit.”

“We can go, if you want,” Sana said, waving her hand towards the balcony door.

“I don’t know,” Chris said, looking towards Mutta. “What do you think?”

Mutta didn’t say a word.

Chris sighed. “I guess that’s a no, then.”

“Sorry for the interruption,” Sana said, not sounding apologetic at all.

“It’s fine, I guess,” Chris said. “We should probably get to bed anyway.”

Mutta made a gurgling noise.

Chris’s eyes got wide. “Not like that! I respect your choices, Mutasim!”

“Thanks,” was Mutta’s choked reply.

“Mutta is waiting until marriage to have sex,” Chris informed them.

“Yeah, I know,” Yousef said, then wondered why the hell he was contributing to this conversation.

“But we talked about it, and it’s cool for us to do other stuff,” she wiggled her eyebrows at Sana. “If you know what I mean.”

“We all know what you mean,” Sana answered.

“Oh, well,” Chris said.

They all stared at each other silently for another minute. Yousef looked at Mutta. Without saying a word, Yousef was pretty sure they were both agreeing to never talk about this incident again.

Well, after Yousef told Adam, Elias, Mikael and Even and they all laughed about it, of course. Yousef briefly wondered if they could turn this into a Hei Briskeby video.

“So, how was your date?” Chris asked. “I’m surprised to see you back here so soon and - oh. Oh shit. Were you... ”

Yousef had no idea what Chris was asking. But beside him, Sana seemed to freeze, and she was shooting Chris a look that Yousef had often seen her give Elias. It was her patented If You Don’t Shut Up Right Now.... glare.

Chris held her hands up. “Sorry! I was just asking-”

“Okay!”

“Well, have you two-”

“No!”

“Were you gonna-”

“No!”

“Have you even had that-”

“No!”

“Are you gonna-”

“Chris!”

Mutta and Yousef exchanged a glance.

“We should… go inside,” Mutta said, clearing his throat.

“Oh right, yeah,” Chris nodded, as if she had forgotten that was her idea in the first place.

She said goodnight, leaning in to give Sana a hug. Yousef grinned at Mutta who smiled back sheepishly. The two walked back into the house, shutting the door quietly behind them. Sana sighed, and walked over to the railing. Yousef watched her for a moment, and then joined her.

“That was...” he didn’t know how to finish.

Sana sighed. “Yeah.”

“You didn’t seem very surprised,” he said.

“I’m used to it.”

“What?”

Sana sighed. “Yeah, I guess, I… I kind of. Well. My friends aren’t… very private when it comes to… ”

“Ah,” Yousef said.

“To be fair, we did interrupt them,” Sana said. “It’s not like they’ve been making out in front of everyone.”

“Oh.”

“It was pretty bad when Vilde was still dating Magnus,” Sana continued. “They - okay, this one time, they were spitting coffee into each other’s mouths? And then she was talking about how he had a lion di- uhm. Never mind.”

Yousef blurted out, “This one time Even and I were at a party, back when he was with Sonja, and they had disappeared into a room, and I was kind of out of it and didn’t realize, and I just went in and I saw his - well.”

“Oh.”

“And Jamal sent me some dick pics once.”

Yousef wondered what the hell was wrong with him as Sana slowly turned to look at him.

She asked, “What?”

“I - it was a mistake,” he said weakly. “My grandfather’s tea.”

“Uh huh,” she said slowly.

“He meant to send them to his ex-girlfriend,” Yousef explained. “Yasmin.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Sana’s face was flushed. Yousef felt a little bit ashamed at how cute he thought that was, especially considering he could feel how hot his own neck and cheeks were. She turned towards the backyard again.

“Chris...” she said, and then shook her head.

“What?”

He watched her face carefully as she looked up, like she couldn’t believe the next words that were going to come out of her mouth.

“She asked me if you’ve ever sent me nudes,” the words came out all in one rush.

Yousef tried to breathe, but the air went down the wrong pipe.

He choked out, “Uh.”

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“Do you want me to?”

The words were out before he could stop them.

Beside him, Sana’s breath hitched, and Yousef considered flinging himself off the balcony. He was mortified.

Sana opened her mouth to speak. “I-”

“Shit, I shouldn't - I would never - Sana, I respect - oh fuck-”

“It's okay,” she said quickly. “I- uh.”

“I've never done that,” he said, taking a deep breath. “I've never sent anyone a dick pic.”

She breathed in through her nose. “Well. Okay.”

They fell silent. Yousef closed his eyes, trying to take a deep breath. He could practically feel the anxiety coming off of Sana, and he didn't know what to do.

Actually.

He did know what to do.

Talking about sex - this wasn't anything to be ashamed of, especially because of how he felt about her. But damn, if it wasn't going to be difficult.

Because they really needed to talk about this, about their expectations and their boundaries. Especially after what happened at Ayda’s place. He didn’t want to stop kissing her. If anything, he had wanted to pull her down onto the couch with him. He wanted to run his hands all over her, and run his mouth over whatever skin he could find.

He could almost feel the weight of his email pressing down on him. He loved her and he wanted her. He was sure she felt the same way, that same low heat and desire. And they both needed to figure out what that meant, how they both felt about intimacy, and what their boundaries were.

Part of him wished he had a basketball and a court. That would make things easier.

“We don't have to talk about this now,” Yousef said. “It can wait. But we should start thinking about it. Us, being physical.”

She nodded, but didn’t say anything.

He took a deep breath and ran his hand over his hair. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

“There are... ” Sana hesitated, and then looked up at him, meeting his eyes. “There are some things that I… won’t do because they are haram. And that’s important to me. My relationship with you… with everyone… I see that as a part of my relationship to Allah.”

Yousef nodded slowly. “Alright.”

“But… there are also… things that I won’t do because I’m… I’m not ready to do them,” she said. “And I also… it’s not like I have a timeline. There are things that I can do, but I just… don’t want to.”

“That’s more than okay, Sana,” Yousef said. “There are a lot of things that I don’t want to do either. Or - things that I want, but not now.”

Her eyes sparkled a bit. “Like making love?”

He felt his throat constrict. And with the look she was giving him - sly, confident, and sweet, all rolled into one - there was nothing he wanted to do more than to pull her against him and start kissing her all over again.

“Exactly,” he managed to say.

“Are you… do you only want to wait because of me?”

Yousef smiled. “No.”

“No?”

“I haven’t had sex before,” he admitted. “Of course I think about it, and I want to. But I also want to wait.”

“Oh,” she said softly.

“Is that okay?”

She nodded but didn’t speak.

“Okay.”

“Are there...” she paused. “Are there things that you want that… you’re ready to do… now?”

“Now?”

“Well, not this minute,” she rolled her eyes.

Shit, she was so fucking cute.

“I want to be able to touch you,” he said. “Hold your hand, or your waist. Hug you, or put my hand on your back.”

“I like when you do that,” she said.

“Okay, that’s good.”

“I - want to touch you too,” she said. “Like - on the couch? Was that - was that okay?”

He thought about her nails, softly digging into his thigh. The way her hand clenched against him, the way her breath quickened as they kissed, the way she held onto his side like she was free falling, and he was the only thing tethering her down -

“Yes,” he said.

“I liked that,” she said. “And I like when we kiss. I don’t - I don’t know if I’m okay with… kissing each other… not on the face. Uhm. If that makes sense.”

He nodded slowly. “So, not on the neck?”

“Yeah. I don’t - I won’t - remove, you know-” she gestured towards her hijab. “And - I don’t think I’m comfortable with… I want my clothes to stay where they are.”

“Okay,” he said slowly. “Okay.”

She reached out her hand, smoothing it over some of the ivy leaves that were curling near her arm. He watched as her fingers almost tangled in the plant.

“I’m okay with you kissing me everywhere, anywhere you’re comfortable with it. And I don’t mind taking off my shirt,” he said. “And… if you want, I would like if you touched me under my clothes.”

Her hand stilled.

“Not anything below the waist,” he said. “Well. Legs are okay. So. I guess anything that’s not - uh.”

He watched her hand yank on some of the leaves. He furrowed his brow, and glanced back at her face. She didn’t look overwhelmed, but thoughtful.

“I don’t know how I feel about that,” she said.

“That’s okay,” he ran his hand over his hair. “We also - Sana, we don’t have to figure it all out tonight. And none of it is set in stone.”

“I know.”

She smiled, and the next thing he knew, he had ivy leaves in his face. One flew onto his lips, and he flinched back, trying to spit it off of his mouth. Sana stood beside him, laughing. She reached forward and brushed the leaves off of his shirt, hands lingering on his chest.

“Wow,” he said. “I - so, I put it all on the line, and you throw leaves at me?”

“It seemed like the right thing to do, in the moment,” she said, not sounding apologetic at all.

Yousef laughed. “Come here?”

She leaned into him, and he put his arm around her shoulders. She placed her head near the crook of his neck, turning and pressing her ear against his chest.

“I think this was a good start,” Sana said.

Yousef agreed.

“Did you know that prairie voles are mostly monogamous animals, after they’ve found a mate?” Sana asked suddenly. “Before they mate, male prairie voles can’t tell females apart. But afterwards, something literally changes in their brain hormones that help them to form bonds. They then can tell their mate apart from the others. It’s not… I don’t think it’s like they’re in love, the way humans love. But their brain literally changes when they’ve found their life partner.”

Yousef couldn’t help but tease her. “Are you saying that you don’t want to have sex because you don’t want your brain chemistry to change?”

He couldn’t see it, but he knew she was rolling her eyes.

“No, of course not.”

“Uh huh.”

“I’m just saying, I think it’s interesting. Humans… humans don’t have anything like that. And it’s just one of those things, you know? Where I can’t believe that it’s random. That these animals… they have a partner that changes them, you know, on a biological level. In some way, they have to have been made for each other.”

“Hmm,” Yousef said.

“Maybe these animals have soul mates,” she said, tilting her head up to grin at him. “Because… I know that I do.”

Yousef’s heart stuttered. He couldn’t say anything; he simply squeezed her tighter against him, and stared up at the night sky.

 

+++

 

Sana woke up to find all of her friends staring at her eagerly. She was sandwiched between Chris and Eva on the queen-sized bed; Noora was sitting between her legs and Chris’s, and Vilde was practically on her feet.

“Ugh,” she said groggily.

Chris was wiggling her eyebrows. “So?”

“So?” she was only half-awake.

“How’d it go with Yossi last night?” Vilde asked.

Noora grinned. “Did he serenade you at sunset with Turkish poetry?”

Sana groaned, and tried to pull her pillow over her head. “No!”

“Come on, tell us about it,” Eva said, tugging the pillow away.

“Yeah, especially what happened after Mutasim and I went back inside last night,” Chris said.

Sana laughed. “Okay, okay. First we went to a museum-”

Vilde looked skeptical. “A museum?”

“It was about all these ancient scientific discoveries done by Muslims,” Sana said.

“Oooh,” Eva said.

“And then we walked around a bit, then had dinner and a movie at his cousin’s apartment.”

“Netflix and chill?” Noora asked.

“No!” Sana said. “Well. Maybe some chill.”

“Ahh yeah,” Vilde grinned. “Smooth moves, Yossi.”

Sana rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, then we came back here and caught Mutta and Chris fooling around.”

Eva began to laugh, and then gave Chris a high five.

“Then what happened?” Noora asked.

Sana paused. “We talked about… being intimate. You know, some things we want and some things we’re not okay with yet.”

Noora clapped. “Awh, that’s great.”

“What did you guys do while we were gone?” Sana asked, trying to fight down her blush. 

“Yousef’s cousins, Ibrahim and Hassan, came by and took us to see some of the ancient sites in Ankara,” Eva said.

“It was actually really cool,” Vilde added.

Sana smiled. “I’m glad you had fun.”

“Yeah, it was a relaxing day just walking around,” Noora said. “It was really nice.”

Sana caught the grin that Chris and Eva shot each other while Vilde began to giggle.

“What?” Sana asked.

“I think some of us had a nicer day than others,” Chris sang out.

Noora rolled her eyes.

“What does that mean?” Sana asked.

“It doesn’t mean anything,” Noora insisted.

“Elias and Noora held hands the entire time,” Chris said. “It was adorable.”

“Oh, really,” Sana tried not to smile, and raised her eyebrows.

“It doesn’t mean anything,” Noora insisted.

“Uh huh,” Eva said.

“Let’s go back to you finding Chris and Mutta making out, shall we?” Noora asked, face turning pink.

“What’s there to talk about? You all already knew about us,” Chris said.

"And I've already caught them making out like, three times," Eva said. "It's no fun teasing them anymore."

“Oh, let’s talk about how Noora fell asleep on Elias's shoulder and they cuddled in the back of the van,” Vilde said, grinning.

“I’ve cuddled with all of you and most of the balloon squad at this point!” Noora said.

“There’s no need to be embarrassed,” Sana grinned.

“Weren’t we talking about you?”

Sana shrugged.

Noora looked desperate. “Well - Eva sent Khadijah a postcard! A postcard. When we’ll be back before it even arrives.”

“I’m not embarrassed, that’s just romantic,” Eva said.

“Yeah, just like you and Elias holding hands around the Temple of Augustus,” Vilde said.

Noora took Sana’s pillow and held it over her face. Sana and the girls had to promise to stop teasing her before she even agreed to get out of bed. It was all so deliciously silly and fun that Sana couldn't keep the smile off of her face if she wanted to.  

An hour later, Eva and Vilde were still snickering as they marched down the stairs, bags packed and getting ready to head back to Oslo.

“But wait, I really do wanna hear more about you catching Mutta and Chris making out though,” Vilde asked, too loudly to be a whisper.

“I thought Mutta was going to pass out from embarrassment,” Sana laughed. “I swear, I don’t know how many times I’ve seen the rest of you making out, and the guy literally just goes on like I’m not there-”

“Mutasim is a classy fellow, that’s why,” Chris said.

Her grin sharp even as she pushed past Eva and Sana and into the living room. Noora glanced back and rolled her eyes at Sana.

“Hey, it could’ve been worse,” Eva said, eyes laughing. “You could’ve caught Elias with his hand up Noora’s blouse-”

“Eva!” Noora almost shouted.

Sana didn’t know whether to laugh or cringe, so she settled on scrunching her face up in a world-weary way.

“Thank you for that lovely mental image, Eva,” she said.

Eva shrugged and bounced out of the house, following Vilde’s cackles.

Noora shook her head. “Let’s not talk about that, ever.”

“Agreed,” Sana said. “But...”

“But?”

“Whatever happens between you guys, I’m glad to see… something softer,” Sana said after a moment.

“Yeah,” Noora said. “I don’t know what will happen. Maybe nothing. But it’s nice, that it’s not so intense.”

“That’s good,” Sana said.

“I’m glad for you too,” she said. “About Yousef, of course. But also for… I don’t know. You just seem more at peace. Opening up to us more.”

“I’m trying.”

“I am, too,” Noora smiled.

“Life is now, right?” Sana smiled back.

“Yes! Life is now!”

They walked out into the Turkish sunshine. Yousef’s grandparents were standing right outside the doorway, both of them with coffee in hand. Sana smiled when she saw his grandfather’s wide-brimmed gardening hat.

The guys were already loading up Los Losers, packing everyone’s book bags underneath the seats. Sana watched as Adam gave Yousef a big bear hug before climbing into the driver’s seat. Vilde gave Yousef a quick peck on the cheek before clambering into the passenger seat as well.

“Thank you so much, again,” Sana said to Yousef’s grandparents in Arabic.

“Our pleasure, of course,” his grandmother responded, embracing her. “You’re welcome back anytime, my dear.”

“Yes,” his grandfather said in Norwegian. “See you soon, at your wedding.”

Sana felt her eyes bulge, and she began to cough. Her eyes watered, but she could still see his grandfather’s devious grin spread across his face. Yousef’s grandmother rolled her eyes, whacking her hand across his chest.

“What?” he said, switching back to Arabic. “Didn’t I just say, ‘see you soon, safe travels’?”

Sana grinned back but said nothing, just moving in and giving him a hug as well.

By the time she walked over to Los Losers, everyone else was already in the van. Sana slowed her gait, her heart pulling painfully. She told herself it was just going to be a few more days, and she’d see Yousef again.

She pretended to ignore the blatant way their friends were staring at the two of them from the van. Instead she took a deep breath, and smiled up at Yousef. He stood with his back to the van, the back door still open.

“Maybe we should give them privacy,” she heard Mikael mutter.

“After last night? No,” Mutta grunted. “I want you all teasing Sana instead of me this ride-”

“Watch it! That’s my sister,” Elias said.

Yousef had a crooked grin on his face. Sana thought he looked so good, standing there in sweatpants and a t-shirt, his muscles cording as he reached up to tug at his snapback. She followed the lines of his arm, from his strong, slim fingers, all the way to his shoulder. She almost sighed contentedly, before meeting his eyes again.

“See you in a few days,” she said.

He nodded. “I’ll come home to you soon.”

She smiled.

“Can you do me a favor?”

“Hmm?”

He grinned wickedly. “If Stephen comes back before me, send him packing, okay?”

Sana felt her lips spread into a wide grin. “Okay.”

“Thank you,” he winked.

She reached up to give him a hug, pressing her entire body against his. She moved her face into his neck, and took a deep breath. She loved the way he smelled, musky cologne and sunshine on his skin. She moved her lips against his neck, gently kissing the semi-sweaty skin there. She felt, rather than heard, his breath hitch a little bit. His arms flexed, squeezing her even closer to him.

She pulled back a little bit to look him in the eyes, that dark, intense look staring deeply back at her.

“Seni seviyorum, Yousef,” she whispered to him.

She watched as a wave of emotions crossed his face - surprise, desire, and even a bit of humor - before he closed his eyes. His Adam’s apple bobbed for a moment, and then he leaned his forehead against hers. Sana stared at his eyelashes for a moment, before closing her eyes as well.

“Seni seviyorum, Sana,” he said.

 

+++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) I've never been to Turkey! So all of the information I put in here is based off of semi-extensive research. I hope everything is accurate (especially the place names and details), please forgive if it's not and let me know! 
> 
> 2) A Girl Walks Home Alone at night is a great movie, and I feel like something Sana would really love ;) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Girl_Walks_Home_Alone_at_Night 
> 
> 3) All information on prairie voles comes from this article, I am no expert on rodents http://news.nationalgeographic.com/2015/09/150903-prairie-voles-sex-love-animals-science/ 
> 
> 4) Turkish translations (Artemis_huntress IS THE BEST)  
> seni seviyorum - I love you
> 
> 5) THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR READING! Please leave me a review so I can know if you loved it and what I can do to improve my writing and these characters. A thousand hugs to each of you!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you lovely bbies for reading!


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